Thanks for your nice comments on my last, crazed entry. I am still crazed and in fact was totally nutters today but now? Now everyone's in bed, I'm going to watch and see who got kicked of AI, and tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is Thursday, a day on which I have TWO things to do, and even though one of them is the hateful, hateful speech therapy, I love to have something to do and I love to have people come to my house, even if it is the hateful speech therapist, who thinks Joseph should be strapped down so he can 'focus' on his speech therapy. I have NO taste! Come on over, Jack the Ripper! Coffee's on!
The weather is getting better, I can see the light at the end of the winter. My mom is coming home in a few weeks and she can help me, or at least be trusted to babysit so I can go out to dinner. Or go have a drink. Or something. My MIL didn't come up last weekend because gas prices are so high. Sigh.
My latest bitch? Because I know you all are DYING to hear? Is that Kathleen isn't nursing well. She pops off and screams and then I pump and get four or five ounces and then she takes the bottle like it's all she was waiting for. This scares me, I don't know that I can pump and feed her bottles. Also I'm afraid my supply is going to get all weird. WHY do I have these weird kids? Or maybe everyone feels this way?
So things are better, kind of. I am sleeping more which of course helps a lot. I have started to use cloth diapers, which I have always wanted to do and it makes me feel very accomplished. I am not eating well, even though I swore I was going to after my birthday. Today I ate all the ears off Joseph's easter bunny. He isn't interested, so it's not like I snatched it away from him but still - they were big ears! Todd said he never likes that cheap bunny chocolate and I said, I don't like it either! That is not the point! I ate it standing over the sink and had potato chips in between bites. The chocolate, and it's quality was never the point.
I am going to bed.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I'm thinking of quitting my job
I called my husband before, one of those crazy phone calls? He's told me about a guy that used to work in his office who had a crazy wife, who would call and make up crazy stories in order for him to come home. That's who I feel like when I call him at work and tell him that I'm quitting but I can't help it.
Today I was folding laundry down by the dryer and Joseph crawled in the dryer. And I thought maybe if he breaks the dryer door, maybe THEN someone will listen to me. We have had a lot of people through here doing evaluations on Joseph so he can start his therapy and we tell them all the same thing - that we want to put him in a preschool but we are afraid no one would take him, because he's so crazy. And I thought then why do *I* have to watch him? With also an infant to take care of? I'm not qualified! I'm all alone here and crazy and trying to breastfeed one and make sure the other one stays out of the dryer, the exersaucer, the road, off the top of the tv, on and on.
So I try and think, wait. Wait three months and see how he does in therapy. Kathleen will get older and won't have to be breastfed every two minutes, she won't have to be carried around or scream, just wait. And then I think, I can't make it three days, let alone three months. We start O.T. on Thursday afternoon and maybe it will go well. I'm frustrated because his other two therapists, who are supposed to start after tomorrow, haven't called me, or returned my call, or my email. I hate to start on the wrong foot but man, this is the way to do it - don't return my call if you really want me to think you're an idiot.
And then - after three months - if it's no better and I can't do it, I'm going to look into some kind of daycare/preschool option. I hate to do it to Kathleen, but then I think oh well, maybe she'd be better off in daycare. They don't get much more screwed up than Joseph and I have been home with him all this time.
I feel like such a failure, though. I am constantly amazed at how BAD I am at this job. If it were any other job, and I worked for me, I would have fired myself years ago.
Today I was folding laundry down by the dryer and Joseph crawled in the dryer. And I thought maybe if he breaks the dryer door, maybe THEN someone will listen to me. We have had a lot of people through here doing evaluations on Joseph so he can start his therapy and we tell them all the same thing - that we want to put him in a preschool but we are afraid no one would take him, because he's so crazy. And I thought then why do *I* have to watch him? With also an infant to take care of? I'm not qualified! I'm all alone here and crazy and trying to breastfeed one and make sure the other one stays out of the dryer, the exersaucer, the road, off the top of the tv, on and on.
So I try and think, wait. Wait three months and see how he does in therapy. Kathleen will get older and won't have to be breastfed every two minutes, she won't have to be carried around or scream, just wait. And then I think, I can't make it three days, let alone three months. We start O.T. on Thursday afternoon and maybe it will go well. I'm frustrated because his other two therapists, who are supposed to start after tomorrow, haven't called me, or returned my call, or my email. I hate to start on the wrong foot but man, this is the way to do it - don't return my call if you really want me to think you're an idiot.
And then - after three months - if it's no better and I can't do it, I'm going to look into some kind of daycare/preschool option. I hate to do it to Kathleen, but then I think oh well, maybe she'd be better off in daycare. They don't get much more screwed up than Joseph and I have been home with him all this time.
I feel like such a failure, though. I am constantly amazed at how BAD I am at this job. If it were any other job, and I worked for me, I would have fired myself years ago.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Business of Being Born
There's this new movie (I think it's new) coming out - The Business of Being Born. So far the trailer has made me cry while changing Kathleen's diaper and apologizing for birthing her wrong.
The thing is - I really was interested in having a midwife and going to a birthing center. My husband was not so into it. He used to say, "Sure, why go to a hospital where they have millions of dollars of equipment and where the doctors have had years and years of education when we could go to a birthing center where someone has taken a six week course". He was kidding and exaggerating, of course, but I took his point. I was of advanced maternal age and I honestly don't know if I could have gotten anyone to take me on as a patient - they act like you're poison or something.
So I got a doula and it ended up to be such a bad experience. She was with another patient for a long time and my husband and I just ended up going to the hospital. We had no idea what was going on, it seemed like my contractions were so close together and so intense (I'm sure it was nerves contributing to that feeling) we just went to the hospital. This was a *mistake* as the rotten resident doctor immediately starting saying that I couldn't have ice chips, I needed to have a fetal monitor on at all times, etc., etc. Then Joseph never did descend after like 24 hours and they said they had to do a c-section. Did they? I don't know. But man, that baby's heart rate starts going down and I do whatever they say. I wish that the doula had come to my house when I called her so that I could have labored at home for a while and been comfortable and drunk some damned water if I wanted and walked around or bounced on my ball or rocked in my rocking chair. Then maybe I wouldn't have had Pitocin and the epidural and maybe he would have come down. But maybe not. He has a remarkably large head and even with Kathleen, the doctor had to use suction on her gigantic noggin and that was for a scheduled c-section!
But I feel bad. I wish I were 10 years younger when I had my kids and they couldn't hold my age against me. I wish I were 10 years younger now because I distinctly recall needing less sleep when I was almost 30. I wish I wish I wish.
But do all doctors do unnecessary c-sections on patients because they only take 20 minutes? I talked to my doctor about Joseph's delivery and he said see? Women say they want 'natural labor' but no one wants 'natural' labor. Unmedicated labor, maybe, but not natural. I said I thought of that - I thought what if I went to a birthing center, or tried to have Joseph at home and then he didn't descend and his heart rate dipped? What if it was 100 years ago? My doctor said he probably would have died and maybe you would have died too. I can't really type that without crying. The thought of the baby dying because I wanted to have the kind of birth experience that *I* wanted to have is too much for me to think about. But maybe it was just a scare tactic?
I don't know - I hate to be a sucker to the medical community, but aren't we all, really?
The thing is - I really was interested in having a midwife and going to a birthing center. My husband was not so into it. He used to say, "Sure, why go to a hospital where they have millions of dollars of equipment and where the doctors have had years and years of education when we could go to a birthing center where someone has taken a six week course". He was kidding and exaggerating, of course, but I took his point. I was of advanced maternal age and I honestly don't know if I could have gotten anyone to take me on as a patient - they act like you're poison or something.
So I got a doula and it ended up to be such a bad experience. She was with another patient for a long time and my husband and I just ended up going to the hospital. We had no idea what was going on, it seemed like my contractions were so close together and so intense (I'm sure it was nerves contributing to that feeling) we just went to the hospital. This was a *mistake* as the rotten resident doctor immediately starting saying that I couldn't have ice chips, I needed to have a fetal monitor on at all times, etc., etc. Then Joseph never did descend after like 24 hours and they said they had to do a c-section. Did they? I don't know. But man, that baby's heart rate starts going down and I do whatever they say. I wish that the doula had come to my house when I called her so that I could have labored at home for a while and been comfortable and drunk some damned water if I wanted and walked around or bounced on my ball or rocked in my rocking chair. Then maybe I wouldn't have had Pitocin and the epidural and maybe he would have come down. But maybe not. He has a remarkably large head and even with Kathleen, the doctor had to use suction on her gigantic noggin and that was for a scheduled c-section!
But I feel bad. I wish I were 10 years younger when I had my kids and they couldn't hold my age against me. I wish I were 10 years younger now because I distinctly recall needing less sleep when I was almost 30. I wish I wish I wish.
But do all doctors do unnecessary c-sections on patients because they only take 20 minutes? I talked to my doctor about Joseph's delivery and he said see? Women say they want 'natural labor' but no one wants 'natural' labor. Unmedicated labor, maybe, but not natural. I said I thought of that - I thought what if I went to a birthing center, or tried to have Joseph at home and then he didn't descend and his heart rate dipped? What if it was 100 years ago? My doctor said he probably would have died and maybe you would have died too. I can't really type that without crying. The thought of the baby dying because I wanted to have the kind of birth experience that *I* wanted to have is too much for me to think about. But maybe it was just a scare tactic?
I don't know - I hate to be a sucker to the medical community, but aren't we all, really?
Monday, March 3, 2008
Damn You, GSA
My GOD have I eaten a lot of GS cookies this year. Todd brought home a million boxes from his office and I have been just eating and eating them. It's too bad, because if I had a brain in my head, I would eat well while I'm breastfeeding and in this stage of postpartumness. I lost the weight I gained with Kathleen, and then some. My clothes fit better than they did when I got pregnant. So clearly I'm in a good place to drop weight but do I eat well? NOOO. I do work out, a little bit, because Kathleen likes to do aerobics when she's fussy. I hold her for it and she's my 11 pound weight. But still - too many Cookies, Corduroy, to quote one of our favorite books.
It is such a rotten vicious cycle. If I ate better and exercised more, I'd feel better and less tired. But I'm so tired and feel so bad most days, I don't want to eat better and I'm too tired to exercise. Ugh.
I will be FORTY this month. FORTY! That's how it feels, capitalized. I am planning to start a new regimen when I turn it. I'm going to try to eat like I ate when I had the gestational diabetes. After all, I did very well when I was pregnant - I didn't eat sugar, I ate a lot more vegetables, etc., because it was good for the baby. If I ate that way now, it would be good for ME, which would ultimately be good for both my children too right? I have a hard time making that connection.
I was talking to my SIL this weekend, she was saying what easy labors and births she had. She was TWENTY years younger than I was, I pointed out. Isn't that crazy? She is younger than I am and her oldest will graduate from high school this year (mine will turn three) and her youngest has started her first part time job (mine was born). I wouldn't have wanted to be as young as she is, but I wish I were a little bit younger.
Todd just left for work. I am hosting a playgroup here today, I like these girls that are coming over, they are my people. I have another playgroup and while I like the women that are in it, they are not my people. This is my poor playgroup, we all live in town, our houses are pretty small, some of us have part time jobs. My other playgroup, they all live in the suburbs in these giant houses, some of their husbands are doctors, their kids are in preschool more often, etc. The only think I really envy them is their attached garages.
We went to my MIL's this weekend. She is perfectly nice, as I've said (defensively) several times, but LORD are they country. Her husband drives me batty. This weekend he was holding Joseph up over his head and bonking his head on the ceiling. WTF? I know it wasn't hurting Joseph, he seemed to barely notice, but if it was my Dad doing it (which it wouldn't be), I'd say cut it out. They want to be called Mammaw and Pappaw. I really don't like it but what can you do? Well, what I did was try to ignore it, at first. I never say it and I would usually say to Joseph "go give this to your Grandmother" or something. But it HURT her FEELINGS so I had to stop. I still hate it, though.
We have no plans for this week, really. Playgroup today, playgroup Thursday. It is going to be warm today and it was warm yesterday, but tomorrow is going to be back in the 20's and maybe snow. I feel like this winter will never end, but it has to right? It will be spring on the calendar in just a few weeks and maybe that will be true.
What a random post - I wanted to get something down while I had the time but it seems like a bunch of claptrap!
It is such a rotten vicious cycle. If I ate better and exercised more, I'd feel better and less tired. But I'm so tired and feel so bad most days, I don't want to eat better and I'm too tired to exercise. Ugh.
I will be FORTY this month. FORTY! That's how it feels, capitalized. I am planning to start a new regimen when I turn it. I'm going to try to eat like I ate when I had the gestational diabetes. After all, I did very well when I was pregnant - I didn't eat sugar, I ate a lot more vegetables, etc., because it was good for the baby. If I ate that way now, it would be good for ME, which would ultimately be good for both my children too right? I have a hard time making that connection.
I was talking to my SIL this weekend, she was saying what easy labors and births she had. She was TWENTY years younger than I was, I pointed out. Isn't that crazy? She is younger than I am and her oldest will graduate from high school this year (mine will turn three) and her youngest has started her first part time job (mine was born). I wouldn't have wanted to be as young as she is, but I wish I were a little bit younger.
Todd just left for work. I am hosting a playgroup here today, I like these girls that are coming over, they are my people. I have another playgroup and while I like the women that are in it, they are not my people. This is my poor playgroup, we all live in town, our houses are pretty small, some of us have part time jobs. My other playgroup, they all live in the suburbs in these giant houses, some of their husbands are doctors, their kids are in preschool more often, etc. The only think I really envy them is their attached garages.
We went to my MIL's this weekend. She is perfectly nice, as I've said (defensively) several times, but LORD are they country. Her husband drives me batty. This weekend he was holding Joseph up over his head and bonking his head on the ceiling. WTF? I know it wasn't hurting Joseph, he seemed to barely notice, but if it was my Dad doing it (which it wouldn't be), I'd say cut it out. They want to be called Mammaw and Pappaw. I really don't like it but what can you do? Well, what I did was try to ignore it, at first. I never say it and I would usually say to Joseph "go give this to your Grandmother" or something. But it HURT her FEELINGS so I had to stop. I still hate it, though.
We have no plans for this week, really. Playgroup today, playgroup Thursday. It is going to be warm today and it was warm yesterday, but tomorrow is going to be back in the 20's and maybe snow. I feel like this winter will never end, but it has to right? It will be spring on the calendar in just a few weeks and maybe that will be true.
What a random post - I wanted to get something down while I had the time but it seems like a bunch of claptrap!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Things I Used to Think
I used to think that breastfed babies didn't get colic.
I used to think that Joseph wasn't autistic, because he wasn't a good baby and I thought autistic children weren't bad babies.
I used to think that I would never have to worry as much about my kids once they were born.
I used to think I worked hard, at my old job.
I used to think I had been tired, that I knew what it was like.
I used to think I knew about conflicting emotions.
BUT:
Joseph was breastfed and the colickiest person ever known to man.
He was a rough newborn, and I think he is autistic.
I worry so much about him that it is making me sick. Everything takes so long - we had his first evaluation like a month ago and now we have to wait two more weeks to start therapy because of paperwork and nonsense. It feels like it makes this winter even longer.
I have never worked so hard at a job in my life as I have being a SAHM. By the end of the day, I am worn down to a nub, I've been crying at least once during the day, my breasts are sore from nursing a lot, my back is sore from rocking the baby, and I am deeply ashamed of myself for saying and thinking horrible things about my two year old.
I love these children, of course. I love Joseph. But I get so mad and dejected and horrified and angry in one day, I just can't believe it. Todd comes home and I just want to RUN out the door. Not just some days, not just on 'bad' days, but every day. I love them all but I want to leave them, too.
I used to be so stupid. I don't feel smart now, just older. Like WAY older. Like OLDE.
I used to think that Joseph wasn't autistic, because he wasn't a good baby and I thought autistic children weren't bad babies.
I used to think that I would never have to worry as much about my kids once they were born.
I used to think I worked hard, at my old job.
I used to think I had been tired, that I knew what it was like.
I used to think I knew about conflicting emotions.
BUT:
Joseph was breastfed and the colickiest person ever known to man.
He was a rough newborn, and I think he is autistic.
I worry so much about him that it is making me sick. Everything takes so long - we had his first evaluation like a month ago and now we have to wait two more weeks to start therapy because of paperwork and nonsense. It feels like it makes this winter even longer.
I have never worked so hard at a job in my life as I have being a SAHM. By the end of the day, I am worn down to a nub, I've been crying at least once during the day, my breasts are sore from nursing a lot, my back is sore from rocking the baby, and I am deeply ashamed of myself for saying and thinking horrible things about my two year old.
I love these children, of course. I love Joseph. But I get so mad and dejected and horrified and angry in one day, I just can't believe it. Todd comes home and I just want to RUN out the door. Not just some days, not just on 'bad' days, but every day. I love them all but I want to leave them, too.
I used to be so stupid. I don't feel smart now, just older. Like WAY older. Like OLDE.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
We're going out tonight
Is that crazy? We're taking Kathleen and getting a babysitter for Joseph. Unless it's one of his grandmother's, we only get babysitters to watch Joseph after he's in bed. He's too crazy with the separation anxiety otherwise. He's too much of a handful for the teenagers we employ to put to bed. But it's my friend William's birthday and we are going to just meet him and his wife at a restaurant/bar where I used to work and have a drink and then go home. Kathleen isn't going to bed until 10:00 so I figure why not. I hope I don't regret it but I might. I usually do. But I am so sick of being in this damned house! I'm all antsy and nervous for our meeting about Joseph on Wednesday and Todd goes back to work full time this week so I'd like to go out and celebrate.
I was reading Melissa's entry on being a martyr of a mom and that is me, totally. I am so jealous of women that go back to work, women that just seem to still live their lives after they have kids. I don't want to be someone whose children encompass them entirely but the way that Joseph is and the fact that Kathleen is pretty new - I don't know how else to be. I have tried to take him to the nursery at the Y, and tried to take him to the nursery at my mom's meetings, but it's always a no go, and I am sick of the people who work there taking him to me after 15 minutes or whatever. So I stay in, I only go out when Todd can stay with the kids, and I get madder and madder about it.
God, I hope we can get somewhere with this therapy for Joseph. I would love to be able to talk to him a little bit better and be understood. If I could just say "I'm going out but I'll be back" and have him understand me! It's like a dream at this point.
Tomorrow is Kathleen's baptism and I already made the food and will bake it up tomorrow. I cleaned the house today so hopefully it won't be too tension filled tomorrow. Ugh, wish me luck.
I was reading Melissa's entry on being a martyr of a mom and that is me, totally. I am so jealous of women that go back to work, women that just seem to still live their lives after they have kids. I don't want to be someone whose children encompass them entirely but the way that Joseph is and the fact that Kathleen is pretty new - I don't know how else to be. I have tried to take him to the nursery at the Y, and tried to take him to the nursery at my mom's meetings, but it's always a no go, and I am sick of the people who work there taking him to me after 15 minutes or whatever. So I stay in, I only go out when Todd can stay with the kids, and I get madder and madder about it.
God, I hope we can get somewhere with this therapy for Joseph. I would love to be able to talk to him a little bit better and be understood. If I could just say "I'm going out but I'll be back" and have him understand me! It's like a dream at this point.
Tomorrow is Kathleen's baptism and I already made the food and will bake it up tomorrow. I cleaned the house today so hopefully it won't be too tension filled tomorrow. Ugh, wish me luck.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Repitition
My friend Sue told me that it's like Groundhog Day when you have a newborn and she was right. I never know what day it is and who cares anyway. Things are getting better, I guess - she's five weeks now so we are getting ... somewhere. We're all getting older, I guess, anyway.
My new topic is Joseph. This week we had our early intervention people come to evaluate him and they think he needs speech, developmental and occupational therapy. He doesn't talk enough, he doesn't communicate hardly at all. We have a meeting scheduled in ten days to talk about how he's doing and what we should do to help him.
It scares me because I worry that he's autistic and then I think big deal. He's pretty smart, I think, he knows a lot of words and concepts. He is pretty affectionate and is very rambunctious and loves to run and play and climb things. We had to move the tv in the livingroom to the floor because he was climbing on it and standing on it! Insane! But he's him and I wouldn't want him to be any different.
My mother, however, is driving me *insane* on the subject. She is a crazy person anyways, loves politics, Rush Limbaugh, loves to argue and point her finger at you when she's talking, you know the type I'm sure. Her new thing is that Joseph has autism and she read Jenny McCarty's book on how HER kid has autism and she just changed his diet and poof! he's better and Joseph watches too much tv and maybe that gave him autism but really it's probably the immunizations and there will not be enough money in the WORLD to settle the lawsuits that will come if they ever prove that immunizations and autism are related and God will not be mocked by using aborted fetuses in immunizations and blah blah blah I'm going to kill myself if she keeps sending me emails about this bullshit, which is what I told her.
The thing is - we are seeking therapy and help for Joseph. I want him to be happy and live in the world and get along and ... just be him, you know? So he seems to be having some trouble with this and we're getting him help. His doctor, who I love, says that he is a good smart boy and I should just keep talking to him but I want to take advantage of this program while I can (they only do it til they're 3) and it's (practically) free. I want to be able to talk to him more and I want him to talk to me, and I know it will happen some day but I am ready. I'm bored and lonely, home with two children that rarely speak to me.
And if he's autistic, then fine. We'll do what we can to help him navigate the world. But I just want to know what I can do. It makes me cry and cry to think about people who have children that are ill and can't do anything about it. These children drive me insane on a daily basis but when I think about anything happening to them, I just ... it's too much.
We are having Kathleen baptized a week from Sunday. It's going to be a quiet affair, as my parents are still out of town. My in laws are coming and my brother's family and my sister. So I will have to whip up a small party. Todd invited my inlaws, which I know seems normal but my parents aren't coming so I was hoping for a no-parents day.
In other news, I made a blueberry cobbler today, from the Pioneer Woman's site. I was looking at her recipe for lasagna and I couldn't believe the comments! People are freaking crazy!
My new topic is Joseph. This week we had our early intervention people come to evaluate him and they think he needs speech, developmental and occupational therapy. He doesn't talk enough, he doesn't communicate hardly at all. We have a meeting scheduled in ten days to talk about how he's doing and what we should do to help him.
It scares me because I worry that he's autistic and then I think big deal. He's pretty smart, I think, he knows a lot of words and concepts. He is pretty affectionate and is very rambunctious and loves to run and play and climb things. We had to move the tv in the livingroom to the floor because he was climbing on it and standing on it! Insane! But he's him and I wouldn't want him to be any different.
My mother, however, is driving me *insane* on the subject. She is a crazy person anyways, loves politics, Rush Limbaugh, loves to argue and point her finger at you when she's talking, you know the type I'm sure. Her new thing is that Joseph has autism and she read Jenny McCarty's book on how HER kid has autism and she just changed his diet and poof! he's better and Joseph watches too much tv and maybe that gave him autism but really it's probably the immunizations and there will not be enough money in the WORLD to settle the lawsuits that will come if they ever prove that immunizations and autism are related and God will not be mocked by using aborted fetuses in immunizations and blah blah blah I'm going to kill myself if she keeps sending me emails about this bullshit, which is what I told her.
The thing is - we are seeking therapy and help for Joseph. I want him to be happy and live in the world and get along and ... just be him, you know? So he seems to be having some trouble with this and we're getting him help. His doctor, who I love, says that he is a good smart boy and I should just keep talking to him but I want to take advantage of this program while I can (they only do it til they're 3) and it's (practically) free. I want to be able to talk to him more and I want him to talk to me, and I know it will happen some day but I am ready. I'm bored and lonely, home with two children that rarely speak to me.
And if he's autistic, then fine. We'll do what we can to help him navigate the world. But I just want to know what I can do. It makes me cry and cry to think about people who have children that are ill and can't do anything about it. These children drive me insane on a daily basis but when I think about anything happening to them, I just ... it's too much.
We are having Kathleen baptized a week from Sunday. It's going to be a quiet affair, as my parents are still out of town. My in laws are coming and my brother's family and my sister. So I will have to whip up a small party. Todd invited my inlaws, which I know seems normal but my parents aren't coming so I was hoping for a no-parents day.
In other news, I made a blueberry cobbler today, from the Pioneer Woman's site. I was looking at her recipe for lasagna and I couldn't believe the comments! People are freaking crazy!
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