I called my husband before, one of those crazy phone calls? He's told me about a guy that used to work in his office who had a crazy wife, who would call and make up crazy stories in order for him to come home. That's who I feel like when I call him at work and tell him that I'm quitting but I can't help it.
Today I was folding laundry down by the dryer and Joseph crawled in the dryer. And I thought maybe if he breaks the dryer door, maybe THEN someone will listen to me. We have had a lot of people through here doing evaluations on Joseph so he can start his therapy and we tell them all the same thing - that we want to put him in a preschool but we are afraid no one would take him, because he's so crazy. And I thought then why do *I* have to watch him? With also an infant to take care of? I'm not qualified! I'm all alone here and crazy and trying to breastfeed one and make sure the other one stays out of the dryer, the exersaucer, the road, off the top of the tv, on and on.
So I try and think, wait. Wait three months and see how he does in therapy. Kathleen will get older and won't have to be breastfed every two minutes, she won't have to be carried around or scream, just wait. And then I think, I can't make it three days, let alone three months. We start O.T. on Thursday afternoon and maybe it will go well. I'm frustrated because his other two therapists, who are supposed to start after tomorrow, haven't called me, or returned my call, or my email. I hate to start on the wrong foot but man, this is the way to do it - don't return my call if you really want me to think you're an idiot.
And then - after three months - if it's no better and I can't do it, I'm going to look into some kind of daycare/preschool option. I hate to do it to Kathleen, but then I think oh well, maybe she'd be better off in daycare. They don't get much more screwed up than Joseph and I have been home with him all this time.
I feel like such a failure, though. I am constantly amazed at how BAD I am at this job. If it were any other job, and I worked for me, I would have fired myself years ago.