Two Weeks

I am in such a countdown mode, I can't help it. I can't help but wanting pregnancy to be over. I hate it. HOW I HATE IT.

Litany:

• I have heartburn all the time.
• I have the wickedest cold with the wickedest cough I've ever had.
• I can take exactly NOTHING for it.
• I went to the med check today just to be sure I didn't have pneumonia (I don't). She said I had a 'bad' URI, except not an infection, just a virus. I know it's better to not need antibiotics, but just like with my kids, I wish it were something fixable, just the same.
• I couldn't see the doctor last week. They are making us see everyone in the practice and every time I've seen a different doctor, I've had to wait in excess of like 30 minutes. It burns my ASS to wait longer than the appointment is going to take. So last time I left and I canceled my appointment this week, because it was with another doctor.
• But then I had high blood pressure - not super high, 142 over ... 78 or something but not great, certainly higher than it's been. So I called to make an appointment to see my doctor and FIRST the girl said that she'd 'try to figure out who I could see' and THEN, when I said I wanted to see MY doctor, she said, all snooty, that I was supposed to see my doctor anyway, here at 38 weeks. Whatever. Now I'm going on Friday. So I just ... hope the blood pressure isn't indicative of pre eclampsia or something? Mmmmkay.
• I am so tired.
• My back hurts.
• I can't sleep.
• My husband keeps telling me how it's SO CLOSE and it's not.
• I am a wussy. I can't take chronic pain.
• I know that if I weren't pregnant and I had such a cold, I'd just glug Nyquil straight from the bottle and sleep and sleep.
• I can't wait to go to the hospital and meet this baby AND not be pregnant anymore.
• I'm scared nursing is going to hurt since it's been so long since I've done it.
• I'm scared the baby isn't going to be okay.
• I'm scared it's going to be a boy and a) have to be circumcised and b) have autism.
• I'm scared I can't do it. Four kids. FOUR KIDS. ONE OF THEM IS KATHLEEN! She crazy!
• My parents are leaving town to be snowbirds when this baby is five days old.

On the plus side:

• I can do this, I've done it before.
• If I had pre eclampsia, it would probably present with other symptoms, right?
• Who cares if this baby has autism? We should probably cross that bridge when we come to it. Ditto: circumcision.
• I know this cold will go away the second the baby is born.
• Less than two weeks is less than two weeks, it is kind of soon.
• My parents drive me crazy anyway, who cares if they're not here.
• New baby! New person!

Here we are again

I'm eight weeks away from having this baby and I truly feel like I am going to kill someone. I feel like such an asshole, because I have relatively easy pregnancies. It's not hard for me to get pregnant. I am grateful for my husband and kids, I really am! I know how lucky this makes me. But - my God. Everyone is conspiring, I feel, to drive me mad before I have this next baby.

MY HUSBAND

I don't know what I expect. I know that I am unrealistic. I just - I wish that he would work on being well-rested so that he could take over some of my duties AND not be so freaking TIRED about it. Like, I had to work last night and I had to work late - it's only every four weeks that I have to close, and this is the last time I'll have to do it for a long time, since I'm only working two more weeks, but he didn't go to sleep until after 11:30. So then I got home at 2:00 and slept until 7:00, I had worked for nine hours at the END of the day, and I was exhausted this morning when we all got up to get ready for church. I went and laid down when the younger two took a nap and I fell asleep so hard it almost didn't feel good, you know how that is? Like I was DROOLING, ugh. Anyways, I finally woke up and I was super discombobulated, it was almost worse that I laid down at all, which I should have remembered. Anyway, I get up and I'm trying to do stuff and he is, like, falling asleep in the chair. I said, why don't you go up and lie down for a while and he's all 'no, no I couldn't possibly'. And I think, silently, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU WOULD JUST GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR! Through the week, he is always asleep by 10:30 at the latest. So why stay up late because I have to stay up late? The 'fairness' of marriage turns into a tit-for-tat so fast I don't even know how it happened.

Also I am still mad that he ruined by baby girl name. Also I know I am being ridiculous. I KNOW.

MY SON

I actually have no complaints about him - he has such hard, hard sensory issues and autism and despite that we have really made progress with toilet training. It feels miraculous.

MY DAUGHTERS

Ugh. Stop dropping things on the floor! STOP IT! I am at the point where I make an 'unnnh!' sound every time I bend over and pick something up and I hate it, it makes me feel weak and babyish. Unfortunately for me, these finks drop every single thing in the house on the floor. Sometimes they put STICKERS on the floor, so I have to spend a LOT of time down there. Sometimes I give up and sit on the floor and then one of them FLINGS themselves at me and I am stuck playing, which I don't want to do, but I JUST got down there and I can't muster the energy to get back up and get away.

MY OB'S OFFICE

Oh these rat bastards. Every single time I have had a baby, and this is the fourth, they screw with me at the end. With my first, I had to PEE into a HAT for 24 hours and keep it COLD so they could make sure I didn't have pre eclampsia. Now here's the thing, I know it's no joke. I know! But my blood pressure was high, they said, and it totally wasn't. It was like a few points higher than the week before, and since then I've had higher bp's than that and no one has said a word. With my second, I had diabetes so I had to come in for non-stress tests once a week or something. The last time, I was like 38 weeks, and they made me wait for an hour for this test, so I just said I had to leave. I mean, I had another kid at home, the test can take a long time, if the baby is not 'cooperating', and I had just had it. I swear to God, there was a point where I thought they were going to call security or something and MAKE me wait there. I said, I'm leaving and I will be back when it's time to have this baby, you people are driving me crazy!, and I was, crazy, but it was their fault. With my third, I mentioned (like a dumbass) to my OB that I hardly ever felt the baby move. I had an anterior placenta, so this wasn't uncommon, but man, they whooshed me down to maternal fetal medicine and I had to get a bio physical profile and then take non-stress tests every two days or whatever the hell. I went back for ANOTHER ultrasound and I waited ANOTHER hour and then I left. I called the nurse and I said I can't sit around waiting for these dumbbells to see how my baby's doing, sorry! I have two other kids, that are OUT of the WOMB who I have to go home to. The nurse was like, um, when can you come back? I said, how about never? How about I just see you when the baby is going to be born, since she is due next week anyway? She said, and I will never forget this, okay, but if you have any trouble this weekend, call the doctor. Um. Okay. OK, you jerk, I will. I will call my OB if I feel that I am having anything wrong with the baby! GOD! Who WOULDN'T?

So now this time, I called for my 30 week checkup appointment, since I have to start going every two weeks now. The receptionist said "ok, it's time for you to see Dr. Whoever". My OB's office is making you see everyone in the practice now, they didn't used to. I am having a scheduled c-section so it's so stupid, but I am COMPLYING. But I said, oh no, my OB wants me to see her this time, she told me. This was, contrary to what the dumbass receptionist thought, the TRUTH. So we went back and forth, I said that I was supposed to have an ultrasound too since I am measuring big (I always measure big because of poly hyrdrosis, but I'll also always taken an ultrasound) and finally she said the NURSE would have to call me BACK. I said, you do whatever you need to, sister, because by then I was getting a little HOT. These are the same JERKS who sent me ROUND and ROUND when I said that I was scheduling my glucola test early because my DOCTOR said TO. I had to talk to 10 different people in order to take the test at 24 weeks instead of 28. Who, I ask you, WHO would want to take that test? They acted like I was asking for extra dessert or something.

Anyways, the nurse called back to schedule the appointment but of course I was out and now I have been trying to call back for a week but every time I call - and I mean every single time - I get a recording that says they are experiencing high call volume, that I have to wait, and then I have to leave a message. Every time! All day Friday I got this message. So I finally left a message, saying that I needed to make an appointment and that I had seriously gotten SPRINGSTEEN tickets through TICKETMASTER more easily than I could make this damned appointment. I haven't heard back, I'm sure they hate me, but I don't give a SHIT. They are really going to hate me when I RAIL against them to my doctor. I swear, I want to just not go back, I want to just show up for my c-section in 8 weeks and be all, hi, I've been SUPER busy, but I'm ready to have the baby. But of course I can't because I'm scared and they know it. How I hate them.

I guess that's it. I hate my parents too and I hate myself for hating them when they are all so good to me.

I do not hate the new baby, I can't wait to meet him or her. This is the MOVIEST baby I've ever had. Kicking, and kicking and rolling and kicking, alll the time. It's so exciting here at the end. I just can't wait to see him. Or her. I know I'm insane because at this stage I can't even wait to start nursing and I really hate it, ha!

Rough

Today my husband took the three kids out for the morning so I could have some time to myself. He had to go to church first so I had to get up at the normal time and then get everybody ready and then they left. I went to church and then to run some errands and then I went home and lay on the couch, trying to 'relax' and maybe to 'nap', although it didn't go well.

I feel a lot of pressure when gifts like this are given to me, to appreciate them in some immediate way, and I fail to appreciate them. I mean, I was glad to have some time alone. Usually I go to church and I'm fretting the whole time, worried that Joseph is having tantrums, that the girls are being difficult, basically that it's going like it goes for me whenever I am alone with the three of them. But - it's hard to appreciate it and just be all better. I feel really sad and hormonal and worried a lot of the time. I don't sleep well, my hands keep falling asleep in the night and I always have to pee, blah blah blah first trimester woes, and then I wake up so SAD, like so dejected and depressed. It takes me a while to shake off the night.

I hate Sundays, I want a break, I want things to be easier. I have been bitching about the weather being so cold and today it's like 85. What in the what? 85? Where is spring? It was like 40 for a high last week and now it's almost 90? I KNOW I complained about winter, I KNOW it was hard to have an ice storm that lasted a month, but man. I'm sorry! Can it just not be summer right away? I'm not even that pregnant and I'm already dreading the actual summer, sheesh.

This is a real bitchfest, huh? I don't mean it to be, I hate to sound so - to BE so unhappy. But that's just how it is right now. It is very difficult for me to not be sad when my son is so sad. I know it will get better, I tell HIM all the time it will get better, but when? WHEN? I try to think of others, I try to think of the Japanese, about mothers in third world countries who have to really worry about their children. I try to count my blessings but mostly I just want to lie on the couch and watch tv and feel sorry for myself.

Tomorrow I am going to exercise in the morning. I am hoping that if I start to do something different in my life, maybe my life will be different? We shall see.

In baby news, all is well. I'm seeing the doctor for my monthly checkup this week, so that should be fun. I still can't think of a name that I like. Lucky for me I have plenty of time.

Eight Weeks

Eight weeks today. I think. I called my doctor's office yesterday and - what they do is, you call and make an appointment and then the nurse practitioner calls back and chats. So I was talking to the np and I swear, I felt like I was in trouble! I'm sure I was projecting, but she was all, "do you want to take the screening because you're (way) over 35?" I said no and she said, "I didn't think you did but I have to check". And - I'm sure she does have to check but ... oh I just felt like a jerk. I feel like a jerk a large part of the time anymore. A jerk that eats a LOT of oreos. Anyway, I am going in Monday for an ultra sound and Thursday for my appointment with my doctor. My doctor is great and I anticipate that I'm going to feel better once I see that ultra sound and talk to my doctor. One could make the argument, I suppose, that I should just go ahead and feel better NOW, but I just can't roll like that. I have to fret a little.

I was watching Bethenny Ever After last night and it's when her baby is still pretty tiny and she and her husband go to his hometown, which is presented as this insanely small town, backwards, almost Ozarkian in it's small-townness. What's funny is that my cousin lives there and I just think of it as a normal town, but I guess the comparison between NYC and there is supposed to be made and you're supposed to realize how GREAT NYC is and how hard everything else sucks. And the thing is, to a certain extent I agree, I love NYC but it annoyed me last night. ANYWAY. She and her husband have to talk to his parents about them wanting to suck up all the time with the baby, and how maybe it's unrealistic to expect them to visit every weekend, and have every first holiday with them, etc. Todd was sleeping next to me, and it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, but I could RELATE. I still get white hot mad when I think of my MIL assuming that Joseph could come and SLEEP OVER when he was an infant, a newborn! I mean, he was my first baby! I could no more imagine dropping him off at her house for the weekend than I could dropping him off at a church or hospital under Safe Haven laws. In Bethenny's case, she has it a little harder because her in-laws lost their other son when he was very young, so B's husband is their only child and the baby is their only grandchild, etc. But she is better than I am at handling it, and she says, UP FRONT and OUT LOUD, that they have to do things by themselves, as a family on their own. It's uncomfortable but at least they're talking about it. We would never talk about that with my in laws. There could seriously be a big pile of shit in the middle of the dining room table at dinner and no one would ever mention it. Freaks.

I wish I could tell people about the baby. I have a terrible cold and of course I can't take anything and my Dad was saying the other night, "take some Nyquil!" and I was thinking, I'd LOVE to but I can't. I can't take anything except worthless Tylenol. But I can't tell them that, and I put "ultra sound" on the calendar for next week and then I thought, crap, my MIL will probably be up here this weekend, so I had to cross it out and just put the time instead. I'm glad that Todd knows, and my sister, so at least I can come clean with some people. I guess we'll wait until 12 weeks, but that feels like a long time, particularly considering that my birthday is in a few weeks. Also, I feel nuttier than usual and I would maybe get some sympathy or something if people knew I was PREGNANT and tired or PREGNANT and kooky.

As usual, I have no way to wrap this up. Oh, I forgot! We are having NAME issues. I guess if you're going to have this many kids, at some point there will be some disagreement about names. The name that I thought of for a girl is like #782 in 2009. So, it's unusual, I suppose. It's a saint's name, which I am very into, and she has a great story, very compelling and having to do with motherhood. So I really like it. Plus it's long, which I like, because my kids' last name is short and one syllable. I thought Todd liked it too but the other night he started saying we should give her a 'normal' middle name, in case she ever wanted to go by that. And I mean - HOW am I supposed to think that he likes that name? When he calls another name 'normal'? And here's the thing, the 'normal' name that he wants to use for the middle name is #763 in 2009! Nineteen places different than my insanely crazy loony name! So I think, it's not a 'normal' name that he's looking for for the middle name, it's ONE HE LIKES BETTER. So why not just say that? If he didn't like a name, I would not use it, I wouldn't. There was a certain boy name that I always loved and thought I would use for my first boy, but my MIL wrinkled up her nose in such a way the first time that she said it that I knew I would never use it. I couldn't see her wrinkle her nose that way for the rest of my kid's life! And now that's how I feel about my perfect girl name, that her father has ruined it. So now I am just hoping it's a boy.

Six Weeks

So, I am six weeks pregnant today. I think. I suppose it's possible that I got pregnant before I think I did but probably it's not likely, so let's go with six weeks. I think I mentioned that I lost like almost 30 pounds in the months preceding this event, and I swear to God, I would like to get in to the doctor and get weighed so someone will have a RECORD of this but I am eating for like 100 and I am afraid that I'm going to gain it all back before I get in to the doctor.

I'm afraid to go see her though. I know they are going to do an ultrasound and last time I went for my first 'dating' ultrasound the tech said, with a sigh, 'let's see how many are in there' when she started. It had never occurred to me that I might have TWINS but it scared the hell out of me then. I have a friend who had three kids, thought she'd have a fourth and ended up having twins, and then boom!, five kids! I'm not just scared of that, I'm scared in general. I hope everything is okay with this baby. I had a miscarriage between my first and second children and now until I get to ten weeks, which is when it happened, I am sort of nervous and disbelieving about the whole thing.

We haven't told anyone - well, I told my sister and a friend of mine who is in very similar circumstances to me. Todd told a good friend of his, but we haven't told our parents. I am so tired, though, and it's always a giveaway with me because I am a drinker, so I have just been lying low. But can I lie low for like six more weeks? My birthday is in four weeks, St. Patrick's Day, etc., people would wonder. Also I feel like a lazybones, telling people how I couldn't do something because I was too tired, or that I went to bed at 9:00.

I'm also afraid that people are going to judge me. I think *I* might judge me - I mean, I think I am. I have three kids under five and one has autism and ... I'm afraid I am a mess, and that everyone knows it. Sometimes I feel like I just wasn't built for this, that I am a bad mother and wife, that not everyone gets this crazy over this job. I'm afraid I'm going to tell people that we are expecting our fourth and people are going to be shitty and I just can't take it. I don't want the pregnancy besmirched by a shitty attitude, does that make sense? I feel very positive about it, I'm very excited about this new member of the family and I hope everyone feels the same way. People are ALWAYS going on and on to me about "are you having more kids?" and "you know, there are WAYS to prevent that!" and "do you have a television? A hobby?" So now I'm afraid that those same people are going to say things about how we could have PREVENTED this baby who actually exists now, and I just - I don't like the bad mojo involved.

But this is just one small part of it, at six weeks. Mostly at six weeks, I am tired, emotional, forgetful, and excited. We are thinking of baby names, well, just girl names, since we already have a boy name. I am thinking of how I can stretch my stretchy clothes through a pregnancy, since I gave away all of my maternity clothes. I am trying to drink enough water, eat some vegetables, and take my vitamin every night. I'm having crazy-ass dreams, which I totally forgot about. My breasts are gigantic and sore. I have to pee all the time. Crazy. I forget, every time, everything that happens.

News

I am pregnant again. It is BLOWING my MIND. I am not young, not anything but elderly, as far as babyhaving is concerned and I'm afraid at this stage, I might even be ADVANCED elderly. Oy. I am happy, as ever, every time I see that the test says positive, but man. I am shocked! From the looks of it, it would seem like my husband and I are having sex every spare minute but really? It's not that often. We did sort of take a chance last month, in that we had sex after I had my period but before I (thought I) ovulated. I can only assume that this is what is supposed to happen. I feel very optimistic for several reasons. They are:

1. Babies! Yay!

2. Another person to meet, as my husband says.

3. There are four in my family, and I like the sound of it.

4. It is forcing me to quit some bad habits, wine, occasional cigarettes.

5. Time off when in the hospital.

6. We have a bigger house now.

But I'm worried for several reasons, too. They are:

1. I just started losing weight and feeling good about myself.

2. I am so old.

3. I keep thinking I will get back to my life someday, get a job someday, and this just postpones it for another two years or whatever.

4. I'm worried, as usual, about the higher risk of birth defects, or autism, or whatever.

I'm trying to not worry about the worries, though. I keep thinking, generally, in my life, I try to believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. That I am ready for whatever happens. So I am going to try to go with that now, when it seems more important than ever. I'm trying but failing, story of my life.

Unhappiness

Here is the thing about being unhappy in one facet of your life. It's very hard to separate it, for me anyway. Our son Joseph has been having some major problems lately. He has autism and he's been really struggling with communication and meltdowns. His communication skills are non-existent, and he gets frustrated and has this mind-blowing tantrums. It happens a lot when he first wakes up and - I mean, I know he is a little boy and I mostly feel for him, but the best comparison I can make is if I lived with someone who hit me. Like I try to walk on eggshells and I try to make everything right for him, but I am always nervous and kind of waiting. So anyways. We are working through it, we are hoping that it gets better and trying to employ all these techniques. I am also trying to keep him away from the little girls because I don't want him to inadvertently hit them.

So...it can suck. And it can make me unhappy, even though I try not to be. And when I'm unhappy in my *family*, in my *house*, I feel unhappy in my marriage. But I am NOT unhappy in my marriage, I just feel like the unhappiness that we have is so pervasive that it invades everything. It makes me feel super impatient with my other kids and also with my husband.

But what to do? I don't feel depressed, necessarily. I don't feel ... out of sorts - I mean a lot of it sucks right now, is all. I don't think it will suck forever, we are taking steps to make it better, I just - I feel bad that I feel bad. I feel bad that I am mad and I stomp around sometimes and say "My life SUCKS!" and "This sucks!" and, if I'm being honest, "I want to run away from here and never come back" and, to be completely honest and tell what a jerk I can be, "I wish I were dead and buried in the ground!". I know. I know it's not nice to say.

But you know what would help? What would help is if my husband would say nice things to me. It's so lame, I know, but like, I have often thought if he complimented my house keeping or child rearing or LIFE DEALING WITH as often as he talked about my ass, I'd be perfectly sated. I would be happy to never hear another word about my stupid ass if I could just get some real-life compliments.