Sunday, August 14, 2011

Here we are again

I'm eight weeks away from having this baby and I truly feel like I am going to kill someone. I feel like such an asshole, because I have relatively easy pregnancies. It's not hard for me to get pregnant. I am grateful for my husband and kids, I really am! I know how lucky this makes me. But - my God. Everyone is conspiring, I feel, to drive me mad before I have this next baby.


I don't know what I expect. I know that I am unrealistic. I just - I wish that he would work on being well-rested so that he could take over some of my duties AND not be so freaking TIRED about it. Like, I had to work last night and I had to work late - it's only every four weeks that I have to close, and this is the last time I'll have to do it for a long time, since I'm only working two more weeks, but he didn't go to sleep until after 11:30. So then I got home at 2:00 and slept until 7:00, I had worked for nine hours at the END of the day, and I was exhausted this morning when we all got up to get ready for church. I went and laid down when the younger two took a nap and I fell asleep so hard it almost didn't feel good, you know how that is? Like I was DROOLING, ugh. Anyways, I finally woke up and I was super discombobulated, it was almost worse that I laid down at all, which I should have remembered. Anyway, I get up and I'm trying to do stuff and he is, like, falling asleep in the chair. I said, why don't you go up and lie down for a while and he's all 'no, no I couldn't possibly'. And I think, silently, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU WOULD JUST GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR! Through the week, he is always asleep by 10:30 at the latest. So why stay up late because I have to stay up late? The 'fairness' of marriage turns into a tit-for-tat so fast I don't even know how it happened.

Also I am still mad that he ruined by baby girl name. Also I know I am being ridiculous. I KNOW.


I actually have no complaints about him - he has such hard, hard sensory issues and autism and despite that we have really made progress with toilet training. It feels miraculous.


Ugh. Stop dropping things on the floor! STOP IT! I am at the point where I make an 'unnnh!' sound every time I bend over and pick something up and I hate it, it makes me feel weak and babyish. Unfortunately for me, these finks drop every single thing in the house on the floor. Sometimes they put STICKERS on the floor, so I have to spend a LOT of time down there. Sometimes I give up and sit on the floor and then one of them FLINGS themselves at me and I am stuck playing, which I don't want to do, but I JUST got down there and I can't muster the energy to get back up and get away.


Oh these rat bastards. Every single time I have had a baby, and this is the fourth, they screw with me at the end. With my first, I had to PEE into a HAT for 24 hours and keep it COLD so they could make sure I didn't have pre eclampsia. Now here's the thing, I know it's no joke. I know! But my blood pressure was high, they said, and it totally wasn't. It was like a few points higher than the week before, and since then I've had higher bp's than that and no one has said a word. With my second, I had diabetes so I had to come in for non-stress tests once a week or something. The last time, I was like 38 weeks, and they made me wait for an hour for this test, so I just said I had to leave. I mean, I had another kid at home, the test can take a long time, if the baby is not 'cooperating', and I had just had it. I swear to God, there was a point where I thought they were going to call security or something and MAKE me wait there. I said, I'm leaving and I will be back when it's time to have this baby, you people are driving me crazy!, and I was, crazy, but it was their fault. With my third, I mentioned (like a dumbass) to my OB that I hardly ever felt the baby move. I had an anterior placenta, so this wasn't uncommon, but man, they whooshed me down to maternal fetal medicine and I had to get a bio physical profile and then take non-stress tests every two days or whatever the hell. I went back for ANOTHER ultrasound and I waited ANOTHER hour and then I left. I called the nurse and I said I can't sit around waiting for these dumbbells to see how my baby's doing, sorry! I have two other kids, that are OUT of the WOMB who I have to go home to. The nurse was like, um, when can you come back? I said, how about never? How about I just see you when the baby is going to be born, since she is due next week anyway? She said, and I will never forget this, okay, but if you have any trouble this weekend, call the doctor. Um. Okay. OK, you jerk, I will. I will call my OB if I feel that I am having anything wrong with the baby! GOD! Who WOULDN'T?

So now this time, I called for my 30 week checkup appointment, since I have to start going every two weeks now. The receptionist said "ok, it's time for you to see Dr. Whoever". My OB's office is making you see everyone in the practice now, they didn't used to. I am having a scheduled c-section so it's so stupid, but I am COMPLYING. But I said, oh no, my OB wants me to see her this time, she told me. This was, contrary to what the dumbass receptionist thought, the TRUTH. So we went back and forth, I said that I was supposed to have an ultrasound too since I am measuring big (I always measure big because of poly hyrdrosis, but I'll also always taken an ultrasound) and finally she said the NURSE would have to call me BACK. I said, you do whatever you need to, sister, because by then I was getting a little HOT. These are the same JERKS who sent me ROUND and ROUND when I said that I was scheduling my glucola test early because my DOCTOR said TO. I had to talk to 10 different people in order to take the test at 24 weeks instead of 28. Who, I ask you, WHO would want to take that test? They acted like I was asking for extra dessert or something.

Anyways, the nurse called back to schedule the appointment but of course I was out and now I have been trying to call back for a week but every time I call - and I mean every single time - I get a recording that says they are experiencing high call volume, that I have to wait, and then I have to leave a message. Every time! All day Friday I got this message. So I finally left a message, saying that I needed to make an appointment and that I had seriously gotten SPRINGSTEEN tickets through TICKETMASTER more easily than I could make this damned appointment. I haven't heard back, I'm sure they hate me, but I don't give a SHIT. They are really going to hate me when I RAIL against them to my doctor. I swear, I want to just not go back, I want to just show up for my c-section in 8 weeks and be all, hi, I've been SUPER busy, but I'm ready to have the baby. But of course I can't because I'm scared and they know it. How I hate them.

I guess that's it. I hate my parents too and I hate myself for hating them when they are all so good to me.

I do not hate the new baby, I can't wait to meet him or her. This is the MOVIEST baby I've ever had. Kicking, and kicking and rolling and kicking, alll the time. It's so exciting here at the end. I just can't wait to see him. Or her. I know I'm insane because at this stage I can't even wait to start nursing and I really hate it, ha!


Swistle said...

"Asking for extra dessert"---YES. That is EXACTLY how my doctors' offices act, when I am asking for WHAT MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO DO. With one of my pregnancies, I was exposed to Fifth Disease so they sent me for a test, and when they called me with those test results, they told me to make another appointment for a test. Both tests were HUGE HASSLES (arranging babysitting, driving 45 minutes, waiting for ages at a lab that wouldn't take appointments, etc.), and yet they acted like I was getting a HUGE TREAT. And when I asked if I needed to make another test appointment (because I had no idea how this worked, and the last time they'd told me I had to go again), she gave me the "Um" treatment, complete with "You already HAD two tests." URG!! Yes, well, we all know what a wonderful treat it is to go have BLOOD DRAWN! I can see why she'd think I was trying to WEASEL ANOTHER APPOINTMENT.

cakeburnette said...

So I had to go back and look up the baby girl name issue...I can be so OCD sometimes...

Anyway, are the choices Felicity (yours) and Susan (his)? Oh my word, go with Felicity! That is NOT a weird name. It's darling! Although I didn't realize there was a saint named that. I'm hoping like crazy the name you like is NOT Perpetua, though. But back to Susan--that is an old-person name. NOT a good name.

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