I was just on the phone with my husband, telling him how I have been putting Lucy down for a morning nap for like six weeks now, and practically every single morning, she cries. Sometimes only for two minutes but sometimes, longer. I am willing to leave her up there for an hour (I suppose), because that's what my book says, but man. My flesh is weak when it comes to that - I hate to hear her cry. And also - what the hell, Lucy? Go to sleep! Take a nap! You're tired, it's been two hours since you've woken up, you're yawning and rubbing your eyes - go to sleep! Sleep! I'm sick of failing every day of my life in this job. My husband said, well it's not your failure, but really? It is. If he went into work today and tomorrow and for the next six weeks and effed up the first thing he did every day, it would be considered a failure.
I sometimes wish I wasn't so old when I started all this - marriage and family. I worked for a long time, got a Masters degree, worked some more, etc., etc. I have almost always had two jobs, because I like to work. I like to make things work. I like to polish silverware and iron, because I like the gratification of it. I have all these expectations of how my day will go, and just ... it doesn't go like I think it's going to and it's depressing.
For the last few weeks, I have been really trying not to focus on me and how sorry I feel for myself. It's been working, too. But just when it's going okay and I am NOT losing my mind for once, I have a night where I am up three times with the baby and never really sleep. I guess sleeplessness is my kryptonite? That is beyond unfortunate for me, what with the three bad sleeping kids that I have. Todd is always telling me that I can go take a nap, on the weekends. "Do you want to go take a nap?" he says, like it's a possibility. Like I won't hear the other three, or even just the baby.
At least my parents have gone to their winter home, so I don't have to hear them tell me every day how this is the best time of my life. There's that.
The other day, I was reading a linked post about liars on the internet. I was so excited to read it because I HATE liars on the internet. But I was a teensy bit disappointed, because it was about real liars. I was thinking more about the liars like D00ce is a liar. Like how she says how AWESOME it is to get up at 6:00 in the morning, because her baby is so awesome! It doesn't even feel like the morning! Or something. I didn't read it, but I bet it was in a draft somewhere, that D00ce's baby's shit doesn't stink, either. I am so tired of reading blogs that talk about how awesome and amazing it is to ... not to have kids, or watch them grow, or even take care of them. Because of course those things can be amazing. But to not sleep, or to listen to them scream, or to get peed on, or whatever. Those things are BY DEFINITION, NOT AMAZING. Those things are a) exhasting, b) painful to the ears, and c) dirty. Lord. Those are the kind of liars I hate on the internet.
Lastly, because it wouldn't be a post if I didn't say something about my MIL, this weekend she was here and she was all, "do you guys get to go out at ALL with your parents gone?" Todd said yes, we had a babysitter last weekend and we also go out separately, too. She went on and on about how BAD she would feel if we didn't get to GO OUT. I said to Todd, after she left, what the hell is she getting at? Is she rubbing it in that she won't babysit? She's not a mean person, so it doesn't seem likely, but what the hell else? Why would she ask and ask about if we are going out, say how important it is for us to get out, and then never offer to babysit? I try to just ignore it, because otherwise, ugh, I don't know what I'd say. Nothing nice.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
How We are Doing
My husband ... drives me crazy. And then I am driven crazier because I should not complain, he could not be nicer or more kind to me, to us. But my God. Because you are so nice and kind, does that mean you can leave the dirty diapers where you changed them? Walk by things that are on the floor and need to be picked up? STOMP around this house when everyone is sleeping? Snore? Does it? Maybe.
My son ... is doing very well in his new school. He is thriving, I daresay. Sometimes I remember that he has autism and I get super, SUPER panicked and sad but it's rare. Mostly he's just my boy, and we're doing what we need to do to get him where he needs to be. I told my husband the other day, I don't care if he lives with us forever, but if he could be a little quieter, that would be great. LORD he is noisy! It's like bad yodeling, and it's constant. Yesterday as I was driving him home from school, he bleated the whole time and I wanted to jump out of the moving car to get away from it. I think it's bad and then I talk to my husband on the phone when he is with him and I think HOLY CRAP how can anyone I talk to on the phone hear me through that braying? It sucks because I like to talk on the phone in the car, it's my only chance sometimes.
My first daughter is driving me mad. When Joseph was her age, he was nutty but he has autism and some of the things that he did can be explained by that. But she is nutty too! She is like a walking, climbing, RUNNING baby! She has no sense at all and she is MAD all of the time, practically. She wakes up way too early and is completely lunatic by 8:00 a.m. It's so depressing, I don't want to put her down for a nap, she's closer to 2 than 1 and I would like her to just take one nap a day but I have to put her down, if only to not be with her.
My baby girl is ... getting older and better. She is never fussy anymore unless she's tired. She still likes to be held, mostly, but I am trying to just put her down in different places. Our house is insane with the seats, exersaucer, baby gym, blankets, etc. I can't ever put her in anything on the floor because then Kathleen can get to her so it's crazy looking around here. She's sleeping okay, napping crappily, and being super cute to make up for all of it. She is my favorite right now.
My parents are ... headed to their retirement village for the winter this week. It is great to have them here because my mom babysits a lot but man. They're crazy. I always, always feel so set up by my mom. Todd took the two older ones to his mom's this Saturday and my mom asked me specifically how Joseph had done in the car and I said 'man is he noisy! I could hardly ever hear Todd, he was so noisy". I could hear her IMMEDIATELY pooh pooh it. She wants it to be that it's not so bad, that it's just like everyone else, but it's not. He has autism and one of his stims is that he brays like an animal, really loudly. It's NOT the same as a 'typical' four year old talking or asking questions, or even singing. I'm ... well, not fine with it, but I'm accepting of it and I wish she would be. I cannot stand it when people downplay what others are going through so that it makes THEM feel better. Last week, my mom and dad were here and she asked me how I liked my haircut. I said, oh it's fine, but it's too short, I have to dry it and straighten it or else I look like Ronald McDonald. IMMEDIATELY the two of them were on me, "Oh, it looks FINE! It's not CURLY! It looks GREAT!" I stuttered along - well, the thing is, it only looks like this because I had to spend so much time on it, when it was long, I could just put it up and ... you know what? Never mind. They are insane and probably just like everyone else's parents.
I am.... afraid I'm not going to make it some days. I've been not eating sweets during the week for several weeks now. I have broken my ice cream addiction, I think. I was working out well but I've stalled, since I had a cold last week and I don't sleep enough. I'm too tired for mean old Jillian Michaels half the time. Lucy is sleeping well but she is still up once in the night and that means I rarely get four hours in a row. I'm tense enough and well rested enough that it takes me a while to fall back to sleep after I'm done feeding her and God forbid Todd is snoring, then I'm really screwed. But it's better, it's better with Joseph in school, it's better that Lucy is getting older. Nothing aboutg Kathleen is better, really, but she's only getting older and that in itself will be good. I hope!
My son ... is doing very well in his new school. He is thriving, I daresay. Sometimes I remember that he has autism and I get super, SUPER panicked and sad but it's rare. Mostly he's just my boy, and we're doing what we need to do to get him where he needs to be. I told my husband the other day, I don't care if he lives with us forever, but if he could be a little quieter, that would be great. LORD he is noisy! It's like bad yodeling, and it's constant. Yesterday as I was driving him home from school, he bleated the whole time and I wanted to jump out of the moving car to get away from it. I think it's bad and then I talk to my husband on the phone when he is with him and I think HOLY CRAP how can anyone I talk to on the phone hear me through that braying? It sucks because I like to talk on the phone in the car, it's my only chance sometimes.
My first daughter is driving me mad. When Joseph was her age, he was nutty but he has autism and some of the things that he did can be explained by that. But she is nutty too! She is like a walking, climbing, RUNNING baby! She has no sense at all and she is MAD all of the time, practically. She wakes up way too early and is completely lunatic by 8:00 a.m. It's so depressing, I don't want to put her down for a nap, she's closer to 2 than 1 and I would like her to just take one nap a day but I have to put her down, if only to not be with her.
My baby girl is ... getting older and better. She is never fussy anymore unless she's tired. She still likes to be held, mostly, but I am trying to just put her down in different places. Our house is insane with the seats, exersaucer, baby gym, blankets, etc. I can't ever put her in anything on the floor because then Kathleen can get to her so it's crazy looking around here. She's sleeping okay, napping crappily, and being super cute to make up for all of it. She is my favorite right now.
My parents are ... headed to their retirement village for the winter this week. It is great to have them here because my mom babysits a lot but man. They're crazy. I always, always feel so set up by my mom. Todd took the two older ones to his mom's this Saturday and my mom asked me specifically how Joseph had done in the car and I said 'man is he noisy! I could hardly ever hear Todd, he was so noisy". I could hear her IMMEDIATELY pooh pooh it. She wants it to be that it's not so bad, that it's just like everyone else, but it's not. He has autism and one of his stims is that he brays like an animal, really loudly. It's NOT the same as a 'typical' four year old talking or asking questions, or even singing. I'm ... well, not fine with it, but I'm accepting of it and I wish she would be. I cannot stand it when people downplay what others are going through so that it makes THEM feel better. Last week, my mom and dad were here and she asked me how I liked my haircut. I said, oh it's fine, but it's too short, I have to dry it and straighten it or else I look like Ronald McDonald. IMMEDIATELY the two of them were on me, "Oh, it looks FINE! It's not CURLY! It looks GREAT!" I stuttered along - well, the thing is, it only looks like this because I had to spend so much time on it, when it was long, I could just put it up and ... you know what? Never mind. They are insane and probably just like everyone else's parents.
I am.... afraid I'm not going to make it some days. I've been not eating sweets during the week for several weeks now. I have broken my ice cream addiction, I think. I was working out well but I've stalled, since I had a cold last week and I don't sleep enough. I'm too tired for mean old Jillian Michaels half the time. Lucy is sleeping well but she is still up once in the night and that means I rarely get four hours in a row. I'm tense enough and well rested enough that it takes me a while to fall back to sleep after I'm done feeding her and God forbid Todd is snoring, then I'm really screwed. But it's better, it's better with Joseph in school, it's better that Lucy is getting older. Nothing aboutg Kathleen is better, really, but she's only getting older and that in itself will be good. I hope!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Random
Some things I have been thinking about:
- weight loss. Yawn. I know. I am always thinking about it. I have been working out well the last few weeks (largely because it comforts Lucy to move around so I put her in the carrier and workout. Then I've worked out AND I have a sleeping/non screaming baby). I cannot seem to stop eating ice cream. Because my life is so HARD, see? That's why I have to eat the ice cream! Waah! I have recently made some sugar free snacks and am hoping I can start to do better on the feeling sorry for myself ice cream thing. I have a lot of clothes in my old size and I want to wear them.
- Lucy. Colicky! Three kids, all fussy! The hell? I have also decided to stop worrying about WHY ME and just wait out the next four weeks or so. I am better at dealing with them now, I try to concentrate on that. She is gorgeous though and I feel sweet about her because I really think she will be my last.
- NFP. We are going to try to not have more kids. We have serious reasons for not wanting to - we have no room, Joseph's future is ... murky, I'm old, etc., etc. I got a book on postpartum NFP so hopefully I'll be able to figure it out.
- Todd. I think marriage is so weird. I love him more than anything and appreciate him so much, especially when I think of who some of my friends are married to. But my GOD do I get mad at him!
- Sleep. I haven't had any. Twice I've had four hours in a row. In nine weeks. Ugh.
- Help. I have someone coming in this week for the next few weeks, until Joseph starts school. I am going crazy alone, I hope it doesn't make me crazier to have someone here.
- My Mom. I had to tell her that she can't come over here anymore to 'help' me if she is just going to question everything I do with my kids. It went ... okay. She is still tempted, I can tell, but it's better.
- Resentment. I resent having to mother my kids AND my mother AND my husband.
- My MIL. Asked Todd if them coming to visit added to our stress. Ha ha ha! He said everything adds to our stress, it's just LIKE that in a house with a newborn and also maybe she could give us a little more notice when she comes to visit. She loves to call on Saturday and say "should I come up today or tomorrow?" It's very annoying. So he told her, and I told HIM, I would have added, maybe don't bring sodas from whatever fast food place you stopped on the way up without offering to get us some thing? Or maybe EVER bring anything, even ONE TIME, to our house? Or maybe HELP us, sometime? Whatever, just some ideas I had. You dope.
- I guess that's it. Lucy is coming up on 10 weeks and I am hopeful things calm the hell down.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Home
I'm home with my new girl, Lucy. She is adorable. ZOMG. A-dorable. We had a SCARE because her lungs were all FULL and she wasn't getting enough OXYGEN SATURATION or something but she is fine now, thank God. She was in the nursery and out of my arms for the first 24 hours of her life, which was hard but I was happy that she was getting the care she needed and also it is the most rest I've gotten in years. The nurses in the constant care nursery where she was were angels and amazing and also? She was the biggest baby in there so Todd and I felt guilty and conspicuous.
But we came home today and despite some misunderstandings with my MIL about how many people we wanted greeting us when we came home, all is well. It was the first time I was away from Kathleen and I've been away from Joseph but the older it gets the harder it gets because he doesn't understand, really, where I am or when I'm coming back so he just gets sadder and sadder every time Todd comes home without me. I had to not think about it too much in the hospital. Of course, all is forgiven now and we are back to normal, practically - the new normal, that is. I'm sure she's going to be up all night - she has slept SO much today, but what can you do? Todd is home for a few weeks and I am going to try to enjoy it, or appreciate it, or something.
Despite not being with me for the first day, she is breastfeeding well and I am so grateful that I am almost enjoying it. She is teeny, one pound lighter than the other two, which doesn't seem like much but it is. She is also stirring so I better run but I wanted to record it. We're home withTHREE kids now and ... I'm scared but also hopeful. I have to get good at this sometime right? Please? :)
But we came home today and despite some misunderstandings with my MIL about how many people we wanted greeting us when we came home, all is well. It was the first time I was away from Kathleen and I've been away from Joseph but the older it gets the harder it gets because he doesn't understand, really, where I am or when I'm coming back so he just gets sadder and sadder every time Todd comes home without me. I had to not think about it too much in the hospital. Of course, all is forgiven now and we are back to normal, practically - the new normal, that is. I'm sure she's going to be up all night - she has slept SO much today, but what can you do? Todd is home for a few weeks and I am going to try to enjoy it, or appreciate it, or something.
Despite not being with me for the first day, she is breastfeeding well and I am so grateful that I am almost enjoying it. She is teeny, one pound lighter than the other two, which doesn't seem like much but it is. She is also stirring so I better run but I wanted to record it. We're home withTHREE kids now and ... I'm scared but also hopeful. I have to get good at this sometime right? Please? :)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Days Away
So we are days away from meeting our third baby. Some observations about this pregnancy:
- I cannot get over how many people have asked me or Todd if we are having more kids. Like, I'll run into someone that I haven't seen for a while and we'll be talking about them, or me, or catching up. They might say "when are you due?" and I'll say "May" and they'll say "are you guys having more?" It always takes me aback, - I mean - it always surprises me when people ask me, but ESPECIALLY when I am hugely pregnant! I want to say, well we can't have sex for six weeks after, so not ... RIGHT away. Sheesh. Last night Todd went to pick up carryout for dinner (I can't cook when I am this large - ugh) and he mentioned to the bartender that once his super pregnant was up and about we'd have to come in to try this beer that they had. Some other guy was at the bar, and asked Todd if this was our first and he said no, our third...under three. The guy told Todd, "you need to get SNIPPED". A stranger! In a bar! Are you EFFING kidding me?
- I feel bigger than ever this time, but my doctor says she thinks this will be my smallest baby yet. We'll see. I think maybe I just feel so big because I keep forgetting what the end is like. You're at the END for such a short period of time, maybe it's just not what stays with me? I keep losing weight, or staying the same, ever since I've been like 30 weeks or something. This is from the diabetes diet, I guess, although this week I just don't feel like eating much.
- Joseph and Kathleen are losing their damned minds - neither of them really understand what is happening, but both of them know something is up. This will be my first time away from Kathleen overnight and it will be for THREE overnights! I am nervous but trying not to project it on her. My parents are staying here and then my MIL (and many, many others, I'm sure) are going to come up and stay one night.
- I wish I could go one day early. If I did, just my parents would have to stay and not my MIL. I don't really mind her coming up and staying, of course, I mean, I appreciate it but I hate the thought of the big damned parade through my house while I'm not here. I know I am a control freak and a weirdo.
- The other day I mentioned on FB that I was going to think about all the things I had to do this week and all these people commented that I should just LIE DOWN! I was having a BABY, what else was there to do? I have no idea what people think about my life but man. I have to do the laundry, the diapers, change the sheets on the bed that my parents will be sleeping on, right? These are things that won't keep. People are crazy!
- At first, when I first learned I was pregnant, I was so worried about this baby. I was worried it would be a boy and if it was a boy he would be autistic, like Joseph. I was worried that Joseph and Kathleen would be all freaked out when I stay away for three nights and then bring home some BABY. Worry worry worry. Now I am so eager to meet this baby, who I have seen more in ultrasound than any other baby (it seems like they all do 4D now), I don't care! I don't care if he's a he or a she or has three arms! I am so hopeful and optimistic and I just can't wait. I know I'm really crazy, because I am even looking forward to breastfeeding, which I mostly hate. I feel ... joyous? Drunk with possibility? It's a good feeling, even if it will be dashed - for now, I'm just living it.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Mommie Dearest
Oh, my mother. I could go on and on. And I will! :) Our relationship has really shifted, as has everything else in my damned life, in the last five years since I got married and started having kids. Also, our relationship has gotten kind of weird in the last two years or so, since she and my Dad started going to Florida for half of the year. They are SO WEIRD about it. They are almost 70, and maybe this happens to everyone's parents but man. My Dad has always been a quiet person and my mom the gregarious one. NOW, in Florida, my Dad is like this crazy ass golfer, who plays with strangers and goes for walks with his best friend, this guy he used to work with. It's bizarre. My mom is busy busy busy, too, she takes swim classes and plays mahjong and - ugh - it's endless. She, like, never calls me, rather she emails me this BULLSHIT political claptrap and chicken soup for the soul and just - ugh - those cannot count as correspondence!
When she is in town, we talk quite a bit. I will never EVER forget how she used to come over when Joseph was a baby and would scream for hours and hours and hours. I would just call at like 11:00 at night or something and not even say anything and she'd say "Hello? I'll be right there". And she'd show up ten minutes later and take that baby and hold him and let me sleep. One night she sat in a chair holding him from 11:30 til 5:00 the next morning, it was the most sleep I had gotten in months. I will never forget it or be able to repay her for it.
BUT she still drives me mad! She has always been a kook, way too involved in my life, way too opinionated about everything, never having any respect for my decisions, etc. But now that she is a Floridian, it seems like she doesn't care at all about me or what happens and it's so much harder to take than her being overinvolved. I had no idea it would feel like this, but it's very hurtful.
When she is home, she watches the kids whenever I want, at least one night a week and it is beyond helpful. BUT she is always late. ALWAYS. She used to come over to 'help' in the afternoons, and more than half the time, she'd fall asleep on the couch. This is not helpful!
Ugh. Her mom died when she was young and my sister and I have discussed the fact that our mom seems to not know how to be a mom to adult daughters. Also, she and my Dad seem to have this "we raised our kids, now we just want to bask in the sun and be left alone" attitude, which is FINE, I mean, I agree, they did work hard and they were excellent parents and I am glad they can enjoy their retirement but man. I feel like I get the short end of the stick because I had kids later than my brothers.
Also? She leaves ridiculous messages on my voice mail, when she calls. I call her all the time and her cell phone is turned off - because she is charging it. I have told her endless times, she does NOT have to turn off her phone to charge it, but my Dad has told her that she has to (not that he knows anything) and so she does. She'll leave it off all day or until I track her down on my Dad's phone or something. Then she'll call me, at dinner time or bed time or some time when everyone in my world knows is not a good time to call and she'll leave just this on the message, in a VERY strident tone:
"TRYING TO REACH YOU AGAIN! I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN LATER. SIGH. SIGH".
And I think who would answer that message? You can't even use a full sentence on your message? STOP calling me at bedtime! Grrr.
We have had major issues about Joseph and the fact that he is autistic. My mom is a sucker and wants to get in to all these REASONS that he could be autistic. She thinks VACCINES are the cause and that JENNY MCCARTHY is a DOCTOR or something. Ugh. She sends me one million links from World Net Daily, with this NONSENSE about how (and I am not kidding) soy milk can make young boys gay. I mean - really? What am I supposed to do with that information? Every link she sends takes me to some website that has like 100 fonts with blinking text and all this nonsense.
So. Clearly I have major issues with my Mommy but she is coming back soon and I can't wait. I always have high hopes that we won't argue about things, that it will all go well, and then it all falls apart about 20 minutes into every visit. You could almost set your watch by it.
When she is in town, we talk quite a bit. I will never EVER forget how she used to come over when Joseph was a baby and would scream for hours and hours and hours. I would just call at like 11:00 at night or something and not even say anything and she'd say "Hello? I'll be right there". And she'd show up ten minutes later and take that baby and hold him and let me sleep. One night she sat in a chair holding him from 11:30 til 5:00 the next morning, it was the most sleep I had gotten in months. I will never forget it or be able to repay her for it.
BUT she still drives me mad! She has always been a kook, way too involved in my life, way too opinionated about everything, never having any respect for my decisions, etc. But now that she is a Floridian, it seems like she doesn't care at all about me or what happens and it's so much harder to take than her being overinvolved. I had no idea it would feel like this, but it's very hurtful.
When she is home, she watches the kids whenever I want, at least one night a week and it is beyond helpful. BUT she is always late. ALWAYS. She used to come over to 'help' in the afternoons, and more than half the time, she'd fall asleep on the couch. This is not helpful!
Ugh. Her mom died when she was young and my sister and I have discussed the fact that our mom seems to not know how to be a mom to adult daughters. Also, she and my Dad seem to have this "we raised our kids, now we just want to bask in the sun and be left alone" attitude, which is FINE, I mean, I agree, they did work hard and they were excellent parents and I am glad they can enjoy their retirement but man. I feel like I get the short end of the stick because I had kids later than my brothers.
Also? She leaves ridiculous messages on my voice mail, when she calls. I call her all the time and her cell phone is turned off - because she is charging it. I have told her endless times, she does NOT have to turn off her phone to charge it, but my Dad has told her that she has to (not that he knows anything) and so she does. She'll leave it off all day or until I track her down on my Dad's phone or something. Then she'll call me, at dinner time or bed time or some time when everyone in my world knows is not a good time to call and she'll leave just this on the message, in a VERY strident tone:
"TRYING TO REACH YOU AGAIN! I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN LATER. SIGH. SIGH".
And I think who would answer that message? You can't even use a full sentence on your message? STOP calling me at bedtime! Grrr.
We have had major issues about Joseph and the fact that he is autistic. My mom is a sucker and wants to get in to all these REASONS that he could be autistic. She thinks VACCINES are the cause and that JENNY MCCARTHY is a DOCTOR or something. Ugh. She sends me one million links from World Net Daily, with this NONSENSE about how (and I am not kidding) soy milk can make young boys gay. I mean - really? What am I supposed to do with that information? Every link she sends takes me to some website that has like 100 fonts with blinking text and all this nonsense.
So. Clearly I have major issues with my Mommy but she is coming back soon and I can't wait. I always have high hopes that we won't argue about things, that it will all go well, and then it all falls apart about 20 minutes into every visit. You could almost set your watch by it.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
On Husbands
God I am so mad lately at my husband. Ninety five percent of the time, he is FINE, he is more than fine, he is PERFECT. He is unselfish and patient, with both me and the kids, he does way more than his fair share around here, he is perfect. But the things that make up the other five percent of him seem to make me the craziest when I am pregnant or crazy, or both. Like now.
I am having a hard time of it here lately, I admit it. Last night he shut the door on my foot, which he is sort of likely to do - he is kind of unaware of the people around him and can be clumsy. I didn't care, really, but then he didn't say one thing! Not I'm sorry, or piss off, or get your big foot out of the way, NOTHING. So I said hey, you shut the door on my foot and he said I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you. Isn't that weird? Not to just say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you? What the hell is that?
Then this morning I am upset. I slept badly, largely because of that effed up apology last night, and also because I can't sleep on my back, side, side, or belly, and I am grumpy this morning. I am TRYING to get over it but I do not look forward to any day here lately - Kathleen is very grumpy and has to go down for her first, teensy, short nap by like 8:30, leaving me no time to do anything except get dressed, Joseph is crazier than ever, I'm tired and short tempered, etc. I said how I was going to have to reschedule my next OB appointment, because of Todd's work schedule, I would have to take the kids with me and I just can't. They are just not the kind of kids I can take to a doctor's appoitntment. I don't have any babysitter options, it's the middle of the day, etc., etc. Todd asked me if there was a way that I could make it for Friday of that week, because he was planning on taking that day off anyway.
Now. I asked him about this yesterday, I said that I made the appointment for a time that I couldn't go and I was concerned about it. He told me that he was unable to leave work that day. Did he mention that he PLANNED to take off a whole day that week? No! Why, I asked him, do you squirrel away information like that? That is the week of Joseph's school break so I am already miserable about it, it would mean a lot to me if he could be home with me. WHY wouldn't you tell me that? He said he just thought of it. I said you just now, just this morning, thought of it? Well no, he said, he thought of it yesterday but then he forgot to tell me.
How I hate people who think "I forgot" means that that automatically makes it okay, somehow. To me, "I forgot" is just shorthand for "I don't care enough to tell you". I forgot? Do I forget to change the kids diapers? To feed them? To go get them when they are crying? I FORGOT? What does that mean?
Then he got very UPSET. He got sort of very sad and emotional. I can't help but think on some level that this is manipulative. He does it a lot - if I have a sore back, he has a sore back AND NECK. If I get a cold, he gets a cold and a VERY SORE THROAT. If I'm tired, he's EXHAUSTED. GOD. I can't believe that I am having my third baby here soon and also taking care of this 40 year old baby, too.
I am hoping this is just pregnancy madness. The bad thing about pregnancy madness, for me, is that it feels really real.
I am having a hard time of it here lately, I admit it. Last night he shut the door on my foot, which he is sort of likely to do - he is kind of unaware of the people around him and can be clumsy. I didn't care, really, but then he didn't say one thing! Not I'm sorry, or piss off, or get your big foot out of the way, NOTHING. So I said hey, you shut the door on my foot and he said I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you. Isn't that weird? Not to just say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you? What the hell is that?
Then this morning I am upset. I slept badly, largely because of that effed up apology last night, and also because I can't sleep on my back, side, side, or belly, and I am grumpy this morning. I am TRYING to get over it but I do not look forward to any day here lately - Kathleen is very grumpy and has to go down for her first, teensy, short nap by like 8:30, leaving me no time to do anything except get dressed, Joseph is crazier than ever, I'm tired and short tempered, etc. I said how I was going to have to reschedule my next OB appointment, because of Todd's work schedule, I would have to take the kids with me and I just can't. They are just not the kind of kids I can take to a doctor's appoitntment. I don't have any babysitter options, it's the middle of the day, etc., etc. Todd asked me if there was a way that I could make it for Friday of that week, because he was planning on taking that day off anyway.
Now. I asked him about this yesterday, I said that I made the appointment for a time that I couldn't go and I was concerned about it. He told me that he was unable to leave work that day. Did he mention that he PLANNED to take off a whole day that week? No! Why, I asked him, do you squirrel away information like that? That is the week of Joseph's school break so I am already miserable about it, it would mean a lot to me if he could be home with me. WHY wouldn't you tell me that? He said he just thought of it. I said you just now, just this morning, thought of it? Well no, he said, he thought of it yesterday but then he forgot to tell me.
How I hate people who think "I forgot" means that that automatically makes it okay, somehow. To me, "I forgot" is just shorthand for "I don't care enough to tell you". I forgot? Do I forget to change the kids diapers? To feed them? To go get them when they are crying? I FORGOT? What does that mean?
Then he got very UPSET. He got sort of very sad and emotional. I can't help but think on some level that this is manipulative. He does it a lot - if I have a sore back, he has a sore back AND NECK. If I get a cold, he gets a cold and a VERY SORE THROAT. If I'm tired, he's EXHAUSTED. GOD. I can't believe that I am having my third baby here soon and also taking care of this 40 year old baby, too.
I am hoping this is just pregnancy madness. The bad thing about pregnancy madness, for me, is that it feels really real.
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