First things first, it's a girl! Her name is Rose. Well it's not Rose but that's what we're calling her. I mean, that's what I'm calling her here. Anyways. She's fine, she's almost FIVE months old, she's very sweet and sleeping well and although we had some problems with nursing and sickness in the beginning, it's been just swell.
Last night her two sisters were both up. I guess Lucy is getting sick, but MY GOD it's a slow burning sickness! Sunday she was badly behaved and tired, Monday she threw up one time and today she has a very runny nose. That's it! But she was up last night, Kathleen was up in the night, LORD LORD am I tired all the time. And I guess maybe I'm paranoid.
I never feel like I'm doing enough. Todd had to go up to Joseph tonight, and I asked if he needed help but he said NO in a sad panda voice, which I hate. So I thought eff it, I'll go up and go to bed anyway, I'm tired and over all of it. Then he came down and asked me about it and, when pressed, I told him, I think you're a little dramatic. But it turns out I was WRONG. I feel like I am always wrong and I think am I? It's possible. It's possible I could be paranoid, feeling like I'm not pulling my weight, and projecting that on him. But I do think he's a little dramatic. There is a lot of sighing and tongue clicking that goes on around here.
He yelled at Lucy tonight because she beaned Joseph in the head with a brush. I mean, he sort of screeched and I ran downstairs. I thought she had done something to the baby, like boiled her in oil or something! So I mentioned it, when trying to make my point about being overly dramatic, and he said I yell at them all the time and I of all people should understand. And I could feel my heart breaking a little because - I don't! I mean, I yell, I do my share of yelling, but it is not until VERY late in the day or week, usually. I pray CONSTANTLY for patience so that they don't have a memory of me screeching or yelling at them. He was home for like 30 minutes when he yelled at Lucy!
Don't compare me to you, I want to say. We are not the same because we are both parents. I am home with these fuckers all day long. Alllll day long! I hate it. I hate fighting and I hate keeping score and I hate being so tired and I hate doubting my own sanity. I hate it. And it's only Tuesday!