Song

Tonight I made up a new song, while I cleaned the toy room for the one millionth time.  It's for my husband and it goes like this:

You think you're mad at me, but I am mad at you
You stupid motherfucker!
You think you're mad at me, but I am mad at you
You stupid motherfucker!
You think you're mad at me, (you think you're mad at me)
But you are wrong, you stupid motherfucker!

It's kind of Old Lady Taylor Swift.

Impossible

So.  Let's say you have a job, or you're about to start a new job.  Let's say your old job was Mother of Three and your new job is Mother of Four.  It's a COMPLETELY different job and it changes every day, because the ages of your children will really affect the job.  Also, the times of year will affect the job.  Like, during the school year, your job will be easier because part of your job will be done by someone else for a few hours a day.  But during the summer and holidays your job will be harder because there will only be you to do your job AND your children will be MAD because they sort of like the other person that was doing some of your job better than they like you.  Also, sometimes you won't get to sleep in your job because the amount of daylight you see in a day will change and it will affect your children's sleep habits.  Sometimes, they will stay up super late and still wake up super early and get extremely grumpy and difficult from, oh, about noon on until bedtime.  So not only are you super tired, but everyone is grumpy and badly behaved.

Also they are LOUD.  Like maybe you used to work in a factory where OSHA would have been called in to protect your ears but this is louder, your four year old is louder.  And maybe your middle kids are struggling with some jealousy issues so when you take the baby for TEN LOUSY MINUTES to put her down for a nap, maybe the middle kids subconsciously but still purposely make a shitload of noise and wake up the baby seconds after she falls asleep.  Then the baby is grumpy because she can never nap.  Then she too sleeps badly at night because she is all janked up from not sleeping all day.

So.  You are losing your mind, say, and it's only JUNE.  And you have no one to talk to.  Because if you say it to anyone, you are not just bad at your job, but you are a bad mother.  You don't think you're a bad mother, but you are starting to think you are a bad and unlucky person.

In short - WORST.  JOB.  EVER.

Things that are Annoying Me

• driving and bad drivers - I have to go get Joseph every day at school and I feel like I see too much, like I drive for a LIVING or something.  I have to go into a very crowded area of town at the height of rush hour, and I always have the three girls with me, and ugh, ooh, it's a pain.  Every day I think, 'well this is it, this is the accident that will kill us'.  It's stress inducing.  
• Facebook.  Oh, Lord, save me from Facebook!  People who are never on Facebook will come on just to shame their friends about not voting or not voting the way THEY want them to.  The wrist slapping is insane, I mean really.  How is that social?  Would anyone do that at a party?  Show up late and start finger wagging:  "I voted today - DID YOU?"?  And not for nothing but it's a freaking primary, so shut up.  SHUT UP.  
• My kids and their weak immune systems and their strong vocal chords and tongues and mouths.  OH LORD the talking from my four year old would kill a strong man.  Lately I've been listening to comedians on Pandora and I find it really helps my mood.  It cheers me and reminds me of when I was a kid and we used to listen to comedy albums, like George Carlin and Bill Cosby.  But Kathleen can't stand to see me listening to something else, so she badgers me with questions when I am trying to listen.  
• Which brings me to my next point.  The other day, this mom I know posted on FB this link about "how to miss a c h i l d h o o d" and it was, of course, shaming.  Don't talk on the phone when you are with your kids, don't think of anything else, don't ever take your eyes off them, don't have ME time you selfish harpy, etc. etc. etc because - wait for it - that's How To Miss A Child Hood.  UGH.  Shut UP.  I mean, raise your kids however you want to but why do you have to tell me what to do?  I read this OTHER thing on Blogher about how this woman does NOT need me time, she doesn't need social time, she gets social time at playdates and can see her kids while she talks to other adults.  I just - I don't buy it.  It doesn't make sense to me - how is it enough for you to spend all your time with children when you are not a child?  Where does all the adult stuff go?  
• Toilet training.  Lucy is toilet trained, I'd say.  But she still will have moments where she just doesn't want to stop what she's doing and she will come to me and say solemnly, "I pee".  I can't wait until it's over.  Joseph is mostly trained, too, but it's a different kind of trained.  He just gets taken to the toilet a lot.  We are going back to the beginning on it and hopefully we'll get it worked out.  
• Oh, again with the Facebook.  A friend of mine posted about Betty Draper from Mad Men and I said I kind of feel for her.  I said it's boring now to be a housewife, let alone 40 years ago.  Some FRIEND of my FRIEND said, and I quote, "It doesn't have to be boring to be a housewife!!!!!!!  Whether it's 40 or 60 years ago!!!!!!!!".  Now.  I don't want to throw down with this asshole but rilly, shut it.  I can't believe she didn't just tell me that bored people were boring or something equally pithy.  Of course I don't mean boring.  I mean isolating.  Soul sucking.  Hard.  Unappreciated.  But whatever, lady!!!!  Enough with the exclamation points!!!!!  

Things that are making me happy

• The weather is good, not that it was ever bad, really, this winter, but it's summer time now and I like it.  
• Todd and I are going away for two nights which we haven't done for two years.  I hate to leave the baby but I think it's important to get away.  It's been a long seven months since she's been born.  Ha, it's been a long seven YEARS since Joseph's been born.  
• The girls are through with preschool as of next week.  I am hopeful we can have a somewhat laid back summer.  
• The baby is super cute.  She is sitting up and eating some and she had tubes put in after six ear infections in six months and she's doing great.  I didn't even realize how draining it was (ha ha, draining) for her to be so sick until she got better.  It's a relief beyond words.

I should just get off Facebook but I can't stand not knowing.  I always think, well I'll make one tiny comment and then some jerk has to go and ruin it.  I don't know if I'll make it through the Presidential election.  

I think Marriage is Bullshitty

I guess I don't think Marriage is bullshitty but I think the tit for tat, who did what, no I DIDN'T use a tone of voice when I said that thing is bullshit. Maybe I think marriage and CHILDREN are bullshitty.

First things first, it's a girl! Her name is Rose. Well it's not Rose but that's what we're calling her. I mean, that's what I'm calling her here. Anyways. She's fine, she's almost FIVE months old, she's very sweet and sleeping well and although we had some problems with nursing and sickness in the beginning, it's been just swell.

Last night her two sisters were both up. I guess Lucy is getting sick, but MY GOD it's a slow burning sickness! Sunday she was badly behaved and tired, Monday she threw up one time and today she has a very runny nose. That's it! But she was up last night, Kathleen was up in the night, LORD LORD am I tired all the time. And I guess maybe I'm paranoid.

I never feel like I'm doing enough. Todd had to go up to Joseph tonight, and I asked if he needed help but he said NO in a sad panda voice, which I hate. So I thought eff it, I'll go up and go to bed anyway, I'm tired and over all of it. Then he came down and asked me about it and, when pressed, I told him, I think you're a little dramatic. But it turns out I was WRONG. I feel like I am always wrong and I think am I? It's possible. It's possible I could be paranoid, feeling like I'm not pulling my weight, and projecting that on him. But I do think he's a little dramatic. There is a lot of sighing and tongue clicking that goes on around here.

He yelled at Lucy tonight because she beaned Joseph in the head with a brush. I mean, he sort of screeched and I ran downstairs. I thought she had done something to the baby, like boiled her in oil or something! So I mentioned it, when trying to make my point about being overly dramatic, and he said I yell at them all the time and I of all people should understand. And I could feel my heart breaking a little because - I don't! I mean, I yell, I do my share of yelling, but it is not until VERY late in the day or week, usually. I pray CONSTANTLY for patience so that they don't have a memory of me screeching or yelling at them. He was home for like 30 minutes when he yelled at Lucy!

Don't compare me to you, I want to say. We are not the same because we are both parents. I am home with these fuckers all day long. Alllll day long! I hate it. I hate fighting and I hate keeping score and I hate being so tired and I hate doubting my own sanity. I hate it. And it's only Tuesday!