tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12726590897734478852023-11-15T07:55:34.249-08:00ConstanceTheNinthConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-63242578864837126952012-09-05T20:31:00.000-07:002012-09-05T20:31:13.565-07:00SongTonight I made up a new song, while I cleaned the toy room for the one millionth time. It's for my husband and it goes like this:<br />
<br />
You think you're mad at me, but I am mad at you<br />
You stupid motherfucker!<br />
You think you're mad at me, but I am mad at you<br />
You stupid motherfucker!<br />
You think you're mad at me, (you think you're mad at me)<br />
But you are wrong, you stupid motherfucker!<br />
<br />
It's kind of Old Lady Taylor Swift. ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-85013851938449006402012-06-25T11:39:00.001-07:002012-06-25T11:39:56.022-07:00ImpossibleSo. Let's say you have a job, or you're about to start a new job. Let's say your old job was Mother of Three and your new job is Mother of Four. It's a COMPLETELY different job and it changes every day, because the ages of your children will really affect the job. Also, the times of year will affect the job. Like, during the school year, your job will be easier because part of your job will be done by someone else for a few hours a day. But during the summer and holidays your job will be harder because there will only be you to do your job AND your children will be MAD because they sort of like the other person that was doing some of your job better than they like you. Also, sometimes you won't get to sleep in your job because the amount of daylight you see in a day will change and it will affect your children's sleep habits. Sometimes, they will stay up super late and still wake up super early and get extremely grumpy and difficult from, oh, about noon on until bedtime. So not only are you super tired, but everyone is grumpy and badly behaved. <br />
<br />
Also they are LOUD. Like maybe you used to work in a factory where OSHA would have been called in to protect your ears but this is louder, your four year old is louder. And maybe your middle kids are struggling with some jealousy issues so when you take the baby for TEN LOUSY MINUTES to put her down for a nap, maybe the middle kids subconsciously but still purposely make a shitload of noise and wake up the baby seconds after she falls asleep. Then the baby is grumpy because she can never nap. Then she too sleeps badly at night because she is all janked up from not sleeping all day. <br />
<br />
So. You are losing your mind, say, and it's only JUNE. And you have no one to talk to. Because if you say it to anyone, you are not just bad at your job, but you are a bad mother. You don't think you're a bad mother, but you are starting to think you are a bad and unlucky person. <br />
<br />
In short - WORST. JOB. EVER. <br />
<br />
<br />ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-7003526087488527722012-05-16T15:00:00.000-07:002012-05-16T15:00:22.126-07:00Things that are Annoying Me<ul>
<li>driving and bad drivers - I have to go get Joseph every day at school and I feel like I see too much, like I drive for a LIVING or something. I have to go into a very crowded area of town at the height of rush hour, and I always have the three girls with me, and ugh, ooh, it's a pain. Every day I think, 'well this is it, this is the accident that will kill us'. It's stress inducing. </li>
<li>Facebook. Oh, Lord, save me from Facebook! People who are never on Facebook will come on just to shame their friends about not voting or not voting the way THEY want them to. The wrist slapping is insane, I mean really. How is that social? Would anyone do that at a party? Show up late and start finger wagging: "I voted today - DID YOU?"? And not for nothing but it's a freaking primary, so shut up. SHUT UP. </li>
<li>My kids and their weak immune systems and their strong vocal chords and tongues and mouths. OH LORD the talking from my four year old would kill a strong man. Lately I've been listening to comedians on Pandora and I find it really helps my mood. It cheers me and reminds me of when I was a kid and we used to listen to comedy albums, like George Carlin and Bill Cosby. But Kathleen can't stand to see me listening to something else, so she badgers me with questions when I am trying to listen. </li>
<li>Which brings me to my next point. The other day, this mom I know posted on FB this link about "how to miss a c h i l d h o o d" and it was, of course, shaming. Don't talk on the phone when you are with your kids, don't think of anything else, don't ever take your eyes off them, don't have ME time you selfish harpy, etc. etc. etc because - wait for it - that's How To Miss A Child Hood. UGH. Shut UP. I mean, raise your kids however you want to but why do you have to tell me what to do? I read this OTHER thing on Blogher about how this woman does NOT need me time, she doesn't need social time, she gets social time at playdates and can see her kids while she talks to other adults. I just - I don't buy it. It doesn't make sense to me - how is it enough for you to spend all your time with children when you are not a child? Where does all the adult stuff go? </li>
<li>Toilet training. Lucy is toilet trained, I'd say. But she still will have moments where she just doesn't want to stop what she's doing and she will come to me and say solemnly, "I pee". I can't wait until it's over. Joseph is mostly trained, too, but it's a different kind of trained. He just gets taken to the toilet a lot. We are going back to the beginning on it and hopefully we'll get it worked out. </li>
<li>Oh, again with the Facebook. A friend of mine posted about Betty Draper from Mad Men and I said I kind of feel for her. I said it's boring now to be a housewife, let alone 40 years ago. Some FRIEND of my FRIEND said, and I quote, "It doesn't have to be boring to be a housewife!!!!!!! Whether it's 40 or 60 years ago!!!!!!!!". Now. I don't want to throw down with this asshole but rilly, shut it. I can't believe she didn't just tell me that bored people were boring or something equally pithy. Of course I don't mean boring. I mean isolating. Soul sucking. Hard. Unappreciated. But whatever, lady!!!! Enough with the exclamation points!!!!! </li>
</ul>
<div>
Things that are making me happy</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>The weather is good, not that it was ever bad, really, this winter, but it's summer time now and I like it. </li>
<li>Todd and I are going away for two nights which we haven't done for two years. I hate to leave the baby but I think it's important to get away. It's been a long seven months since she's been born. Ha, it's been a long seven YEARS since Joseph's been born. </li>
<li>The girls are through with preschool as of next week. I am hopeful we can have a somewhat laid back summer. </li>
<li>The baby is super cute. She is sitting up and eating some and she had tubes put in after six ear infections in six months and she's doing great. I didn't even realize how draining it was (ha ha, draining) for her to be so sick until she got better. It's a relief beyond words.</li>
</ul>
<div>
I should just get off Facebook but I can't stand not knowing. I always think, well I'll make one tiny comment and then some jerk has to go and ruin it. I don't know if I'll make it through the Presidential election. </div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-83662918266731320062012-02-28T19:26:00.002-08:002012-02-28T19:33:26.726-08:00I think Marriage is BullshittyI guess I don't think Marriage is bullshitty but I think the tit for tat, who did what, no I DIDN'T use a tone of voice when I said that thing is bullshit. Maybe I think marriage and CHILDREN are bullshitty. <div><br /></div><div>First things first, it's a girl! Her name is Rose. Well it's not Rose but that's what we're calling her. I mean, that's what I'm calling her here. Anyways. She's fine, she's almost FIVE months old, she's very sweet and sleeping well and although we had some problems with nursing and sickness in the beginning, it's been just swell. </div><div><br /></div><div>Last night her two sisters were both up. I guess Lucy is getting sick, but MY GOD it's a slow burning sickness! Sunday she was badly behaved and tired, Monday she threw up one time and today she has a very runny nose. That's it! But she was up last night, Kathleen was up in the night, LORD LORD am I tired all the time. And I guess maybe I'm paranoid. </div><div><br />I never feel like I'm doing enough. Todd had to go up to Joseph tonight, and I asked if he needed help but he said NO in a sad panda voice, which I hate. So I thought eff it, I'll go up and go to bed anyway, I'm tired and over all of it. Then he came down and asked me about it and, when pressed, I told him, I think you're a little dramatic. But it turns out I was WRONG. I feel like I am always wrong and I think am I? It's possible. It's possible I could be paranoid, feeling like I'm not pulling my weight, and projecting that on him. But I do think he's a little dramatic. There is a lot of sighing and tongue clicking that goes on around here. </div><div><br /></div><div>He yelled at Lucy tonight because she beaned Joseph in the head with a brush. I mean, he sort of screeched and I ran downstairs. I thought she had done something to the baby, like boiled her in oil or something! So I mentioned it, when trying to make my point about being overly dramatic, and he said I yell at them all the time and I of all people should understand. And I could feel my heart breaking a little because - I don't! I mean, I yell, I do my share of yelling, but it is not until VERY late in the day or week, usually. I pray CONSTANTLY for patience so that they don't have a memory of me screeching or yelling at them. He was home for like 30 minutes when he yelled at Lucy! </div><div><br /></div><div>Don't compare me to you, I want to say. We are not the same because we are both parents. I am home with these fuckers all day long. Alllll day long! I hate it. I hate fighting and I hate keeping score and I hate being so tired and I hate doubting my own sanity. I hate it. And it's only Tuesday! </div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-87429486632529791922011-09-27T16:54:00.001-07:002011-09-27T17:02:32.827-07:00Two WeeksI am in such a countdown mode, I can't help it. I can't help but wanting pregnancy to be over. I hate it. HOW I HATE IT. <div><br /></div><div>Litany: </div><div><br /></div><div><ul><li>I have heartburn all the time. </li><li>I have the wickedest cold with the wickedest cough I've ever had. </li><li>I can take exactly NOTHING for it. </li><li>I went to the med check today just to be sure I didn't have pneumonia (I don't). She said I had a 'bad' URI, except not an infection, just a virus. I know it's better to not need antibiotics, but just like with my kids, I wish it were something fixable, just the same.</li><li>I couldn't see the doctor last week. They are making us see everyone in the practice and every time I've seen a different doctor, I've had to wait in excess of like 30 minutes. It burns my ASS to wait longer than the appointment is going to take. So last time I left and I canceled my appointment this week, because it was with another doctor. </li><li>But then I had high blood pressure - not super high, 142 over ... 78 or something but not great, certainly higher than it's been. So I called to make an appointment to see my doctor and FIRST the girl said that she'd 'try to figure out who I could see' and THEN, when I said I wanted to see MY doctor, she said, all snooty, that I was supposed to see my doctor anyway, here at 38 weeks. Whatever. Now I'm going on Friday. So I just ... hope the blood pressure isn't indicative of pre eclampsia or something? Mmmmkay. </li><li>I am so tired.</li><li>My back hurts.</li><li>I can't sleep.</li><li>My husband keeps telling me how it's SO CLOSE and it's not. </li><li>I am a wussy. I can't take chronic pain. </li><li>I know that if I weren't pregnant and I had such a cold, I'd just glug Nyquil straight from the bottle and sleep and sleep. </li><li>I can't wait to go to the hospital and meet this baby AND not be pregnant anymore.</li><li>I'm scared nursing is going to hurt since it's been so long since I've done it.</li><li>I'm scared the baby isn't going to be okay.</li><li>I'm scared it's going to be a boy and a) have to be circumcised and b) have autism.</li><li>I'm scared I can't do it. Four kids. FOUR KIDS. ONE OF THEM IS KATHLEEN! She crazy! </li><li>My parents are leaving town to be snowbirds when this baby is five days old. </li></ul><div>On the plus side:</div></div><div><br /></div><div><ul><li>I can do this, I've done it before.</li><li>If I had pre eclampsia, it would probably present with other symptoms, right?</li><li>Who cares if this baby has autism? We should probably cross that bridge when we come to it. Ditto: circumcision. </li><li>I know this cold will go away the second the baby is born.</li><li>Less than two weeks is less than two weeks, it is kind of soon.</li><li>My parents drive me crazy anyway, who cares if they're not here.</li><li>New baby! New person! </li></ul></div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-54427376525037833602011-08-14T17:07:00.001-07:002011-08-14T17:07:35.693-07:00Here we are again<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: small; ">I'm eight weeks away from having this baby and I truly feel like I am going to kill someone. I feel like such an asshole, because I have relatively easy pregnancies. It's not hard for me to get pregnant. I am grateful for my husband and kids, I really am! I know how lucky this makes me. But - my God. Everyone is conspiring, I feel, to drive me mad before I have this next baby. <div>
<br /></div><div>MY HUSBAND</div><div>
<br /></div><div>I don't know what I expect. I know that I am unrealistic. I just - I wish that he would work on being well-rested so that he could take over some of my duties AND not be so freaking TIRED about it. Like, I had to work last night and I had to work late - it's only every four weeks that I have to close, and this is the last time I'll have to do it for a long time, since I'm only working two more weeks, but he didn't go to sleep until after 11:30. So then I got home at 2:00 and slept until 7:00, I had worked for nine hours at the END of the day, and I was exhausted this morning when we all got up to get ready for church. I went and laid down when the younger two took a nap and I fell asleep so hard it almost didn't feel good, you know how that is? Like I was DROOLING, ugh. Anyways, I finally woke up and I was super discombobulated, it was almost worse that I laid down at all, which I should have remembered. Anyway, I get up and I'm trying to do stuff and he is, like, falling asleep in the chair. I said, why don't you go up and lie down for a while and he's all 'no, no I couldn't possibly'. And I think, silently, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU WOULD JUST GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR! Through the week, he is always asleep by 10:30 at the latest. So why stay up late because I have to stay up late? The 'fairness' of marriage turns into a tit-for-tat so fast I don't even know how it happened. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Also I am still mad that he ruined by baby girl name. Also I know I am being ridiculous. I KNOW. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>MY SON</div><div>
<br /></div><div>I actually have no complaints about him - he has such hard, hard sensory issues and autism and despite that we have really made progress with toilet training. It feels miraculous. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>MY DAUGHTERS</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Ugh. Stop dropping things on the floor! STOP IT! I am at the point where I make an 'unnnh!' sound every time I bend over and pick something up and I hate it, it makes me feel weak and babyish. Unfortunately for me, these finks drop every single thing in the house on the floor. Sometimes they put STICKERS on the floor, so I have to spend a LOT of time down there. Sometimes I give up and sit on the floor and then one of them FLINGS themselves at me and I am stuck playing, which I don't want to do, but I JUST got down there and I can't muster the energy to get back up and get away. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>MY OB'S OFFICE</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Oh these rat bastards. Every single time I have had a baby, and this is the fourth, they screw with me at the end. With my first, I had to PEE into a HAT for 24 hours and keep it COLD so they could make sure I didn't have pre eclampsia. Now here's the thing, I know it's no joke. I know! But my blood pressure was high, they said, and it totally wasn't. It was like a few points higher than the week before, and since then I've had higher bp's than that and no one has said a word. With my second, I had diabetes so I had to come in for non-stress tests once a week or something. The last time, I was like 38 weeks, and they made me wait for an hour for this test, so I just said I had to leave. I mean, I had another kid at home, the test can take a long time, if the baby is not 'cooperating', and I had just had it. I swear to God, there was a point where I thought they were going to call security or something and MAKE me wait there. I said, I'm leaving and I will be back when it's time to have this baby, you people are driving me crazy!, and I was, crazy, but it was their fault. With my third, I mentioned (like a dumbass) to my OB that I hardly ever felt the baby move. I had an anterior placenta, so this wasn't uncommon, but man, they whooshed me down to maternal fetal medicine and I had to get a bio physical profile and then take non-stress tests every two days or whatever the hell. I went back for ANOTHER ultrasound and I waited ANOTHER hour and then I left. I called the nurse and I said I can't sit around waiting for these dumbbells to see how my baby's doing, sorry! I have two other kids, that are OUT of the WOMB who I have to go home to. The nurse was like, um, when can you come back? I said, how about never? How about I just see you when the baby is going to be born, since she is due next week anyway? She said, and I will never forget this, okay, but if you have any trouble this weekend, call the doctor. Um. Okay. OK, you jerk, I will. I will call my OB if I feel that I am having anything wrong with the baby! GOD! Who WOULDN'T? </div><div>
<br /></div><div>So now this time, I called for my 30 week checkup appointment, since I have to start going every two weeks now. The receptionist said "ok, it's time for you to see Dr. Whoever". My OB's office is making you see everyone in the practice now, they didn't used to. I am having a scheduled c-section so it's so stupid, but I am COMPLYING. But I said, oh no, my OB wants me to see her this time, she told me. This was, contrary to what the dumbass receptionist thought, the TRUTH. So we went back and forth, I said that I was supposed to have an ultrasound too since I am measuring big (I always measure big because of poly hyrdrosis, but I'll also always taken an ultrasound) and finally she said the NURSE would have to call me BACK. I said, you do whatever you need to, sister, because by then I was getting a little HOT. These are the same JERKS who sent me ROUND and ROUND when I said that I was scheduling my glucola test early because my DOCTOR said TO. I had to talk to 10 different people in order to take the test at 24 weeks instead of 28. Who, I ask you, WHO would want to take that test? They acted like I was asking for extra dessert or something. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Anyways, the nurse called back to schedule the appointment but of course I was out and now I have been trying to call back for a week but every time I call - and I mean every single time - I get a recording that says they are experiencing high call volume, that I have to wait, and then I have to leave a message. Every time! All day Friday I got this message. So I finally left a message, saying that I needed to make an appointment and that I had seriously gotten SPRINGSTEEN tickets through TICKETMASTER more easily than I could make this damned appointment. I haven't heard back, I'm sure they hate me, but I don't give a SHIT. They are really going to hate me when I RAIL against them to my doctor. I swear, I want to just not go back, I want to just show up for my c-section in 8 weeks and be all, hi, I've been SUPER busy, but I'm ready to have the baby. But of course I can't because I'm scared and they know it. How I hate them. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I guess that's it. I hate my parents too and I hate myself for hating them when they are all so good to me. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>I do not hate the new baby, I can't wait to meet him or her. This is the MOVIEST baby I've ever had. Kicking, and kicking and rolling and kicking, alll the time. It's so exciting here at the end. I just can't wait to see him. Or her. I know I'm insane because at this stage I can't even wait to start nursing and I really hate it, ha! </div></span>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-65564177625221738322011-04-10T13:32:00.000-07:002011-04-10T13:39:24.054-07:00RoughToday my husband took the three kids out for the morning so I could have some time to myself. He had to go to church first so I had to get up at the normal time and then get everybody ready and then they left. I went to church and then to run some errands and then I went home and lay on the couch, trying to 'relax' and maybe to 'nap', although it didn't go well. <div><br /></div><div>I feel a lot of pressure when gifts like this are given to me, to appreciate them in some immediate way, and I fail to appreciate them. I mean, I was glad to have some time alone. Usually I go to church and I'm fretting the whole time, worried that Joseph is having tantrums, that the girls are being difficult, basically that it's going like it goes for me whenever I am alone with the three of them. But - it's hard to appreciate it and just be all better. I feel really sad and hormonal and worried a lot of the time. I don't sleep well, my hands keep falling asleep in the night and I always have to pee, blah blah blah first trimester woes, and then I wake up so SAD, like so dejected and depressed. It takes me a while to shake off the night. </div><div><br /></div><div>I hate Sundays, I want a break, I want things to be easier. I have been bitching about the weather being so cold and today it's like 85. What in the what? 85? Where is spring? It was like 40 for a high last week and now it's almost 90? I KNOW I complained about winter, I KNOW it was hard to have an ice storm that lasted a month, but man. I'm sorry! Can it just not be summer right away? I'm not even that pregnant and I'm already dreading the actual summer, sheesh. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is a real bitchfest, huh? I don't mean it to be, I hate to sound so - to BE so unhappy. But that's just how it is right now. It is very difficult for me to not be sad when my son is so sad. I know it will get better, I tell HIM all the time it will get better, but when? WHEN? I try to think of others, I try to think of the Japanese, about mothers in third world countries who have to really worry about their children. I try to count my blessings but mostly I just want to lie on the couch and watch tv and feel sorry for myself. </div><div><br /></div><div>Tomorrow I am going to exercise in the morning. I am hoping that if I start to do something different in my life, maybe my life will be different? We shall see. </div><div><br /></div><div>In baby news, all is well. I'm seeing the doctor for my monthly checkup this week, so that should be fun. I still can't think of a name that I like. Lucky for me I have plenty of time. </div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-27366357043171985902011-03-01T06:08:00.000-08:002011-03-01T06:42:00.730-08:00Eight WeeksEight weeks today. I think. I called my doctor's office yesterday and - what they do is, you call and make an appointment and then the nurse practitioner calls back and chats. So I was talking to the np and I swear, I felt like I was in trouble! I'm sure I was projecting, but she was all, "do you want to take the screening because you're (way) over 35?" I said no and she said, "I didn't think you did but I have to check". And - I'm sure she does have to check but ... oh I just felt like a jerk. I feel like a jerk a large part of the time anymore. A jerk that eats a LOT of oreos. Anyway, I am going in Monday for an ultra sound and Thursday for my appointment with my doctor. My doctor is great and I anticipate that I'm going to feel better once I see that ultra sound and talk to my doctor. One could make the argument, I suppose, that I should just go ahead and feel better NOW, but I just can't roll like that. I have to fret a little. <div><br /></div><div>I was watching Bethenny Ever After last night and it's when her baby is still pretty tiny and she and her husband go to his hometown, which is presented as this insanely small town, backwards, almost Ozarkian in it's small-townness. What's funny is that my cousin lives there and I just think of it as a normal town, but I guess the comparison between NYC and there is supposed to be made and you're supposed to realize how GREAT NYC is and how hard everything else sucks. And the thing is, to a certain extent I agree, I love NYC but it annoyed me last night. ANYWAY. She and her husband have to talk to his parents about them wanting to suck up all the time with the baby, and how maybe it's unrealistic to expect them to visit every weekend, and have every first holiday with them, etc. Todd was sleeping next to me, and it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway, but I could RELATE. I still get white hot mad when I think of my MIL assuming that Joseph could come and SLEEP OVER when he was an infant, a newborn! I mean, he was my first baby! I could no more imagine dropping him off at her house for the weekend than I could dropping him off at a church or hospital under Safe Haven laws. In Bethenny's case, she has it a little harder because her in-laws lost their other son when he was very young, so B's husband is their only child and the baby is their only grandchild, etc. But she is better than I am at handling it, and she says, UP FRONT and OUT LOUD, that they have to do things by themselves, as a family on their own. It's uncomfortable but at least they're talking about it. We would never talk about that with my in laws. There could seriously be a big pile of shit in the middle of the dining room table at dinner and no one would ever mention it. Freaks. </div><div><br /></div><div>I wish I could tell people about the baby. I have a terrible cold and of course I can't take anything and my Dad was saying the other night, "take some Nyquil!" and I was thinking, I'd LOVE to but I can't. I can't take anything except worthless Tylenol. But I can't tell them that, and I put "ultra sound" on the calendar for next week and then I thought, crap, my MIL will probably be up here this weekend, so I had to cross it out and just put the time instead. I'm glad that Todd knows, and my sister, so at least I can come clean with some people. I guess we'll wait until 12 weeks, but that feels like a long time, particularly considering that my birthday is in a few weeks. Also, I feel nuttier than usual and I would maybe get some sympathy or something if people knew I was PREGNANT and tired or PREGNANT and kooky. </div><div><br /></div><div>As usual, I have no way to wrap this up. Oh, I forgot! We are having NAME issues. I guess if you're going to have this many kids, at some point there will be some disagreement about names. The name that I thought of for a girl is like #782 in 2009. So, it's unusual, I suppose. It's a saint's name, which I am very into, and she has a great story, very compelling and having to do with motherhood. So I really like it. Plus it's long, which I like, because my kids' last name is short and one syllable. I thought Todd liked it too but the other night he started saying we should give her a 'normal' middle name, in case she ever wanted to go by that. And I mean - HOW am I supposed to think that he likes that name? When he calls another name 'normal'? And here's the thing, the 'normal' name that he wants to use for the middle name is #763 in 2009! Nineteen places different than my insanely crazy loony name! So I think, it's not a 'normal' name that he's looking for for the middle name, it's ONE HE LIKES BETTER. So why not just say that? If he didn't like a name, I would not use it, I wouldn't. There was a certain boy name that I always loved and thought I would use for my first boy, but my MIL wrinkled up her nose in such a way the first time that she said it that I knew I would never use it. I couldn't see her wrinkle her nose that way for the rest of my kid's life! And now that's how I feel about my perfect girl name, that her father has ruined it. So now I am just hoping it's a boy. <br /></div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-13888890307122321242011-02-22T10:02:00.000-08:002011-02-22T10:13:42.838-08:00Six WeeksSo, I am six weeks pregnant today. I think. I suppose it's possible that I got pregnant before I think I did but probably it's not likely, so let's go with six weeks. I think I mentioned that I lost like almost 30 pounds in the months preceding this event, and I swear to God, I would like to get in to the doctor and get weighed so someone will have a RECORD of this but I am eating for like 100 and I am afraid that I'm going to gain it all back before I get in to the doctor. <div><br /></div><div>I'm afraid to go see her though. I know they are going to do an ultrasound and last time I went for my first 'dating' ultrasound the tech said, with a sigh, 'let's see how many are in there' when she started. It had never occurred to me that I might have TWINS but it scared the hell out of me then. I have a friend who had three kids, thought she'd have a fourth and ended up having twins, and then boom!, five kids! I'm not just scared of that, I'm scared in general. I hope everything is okay with this baby. I had a miscarriage between my first and second children and now until I get to ten weeks, which is when it happened, I am sort of nervous and disbelieving about the whole thing. </div><div><br /></div><div>We haven't told anyone - well, I told my sister and a friend of mine who is in very similar circumstances to me. Todd told a good friend of his, but we haven't told our parents. I am so tired, though, and it's always a giveaway with me because I am a drinker, so I have just been lying low. But can I lie low for like six more weeks? My birthday is in four weeks, St. Patrick's Day, etc., people would wonder. Also I feel like a lazybones, telling people how I couldn't do something because I was too tired, or that I went to bed at 9:00. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm also afraid that people are going to judge me. I think *I* might judge me - I mean, I think I am. I have three kids under five and one has autism and ... I'm afraid I am a mess, and that everyone knows it. Sometimes I feel like I just wasn't built for this, that I am a bad mother and wife, that not everyone gets this crazy over this job. I'm afraid I'm going to tell people that we are expecting our fourth and people are going to be shitty and I just can't take it. I don't want the pregnancy besmirched by a shitty attitude, does that make sense? I feel very positive about it, I'm very excited about this new member of the family and I hope everyone feels the same way. People are ALWAYS going on and on to me about "are you having more kids?" and "you know, there are WAYS to prevent that!" and "do you have a television? A hobby?" So now I'm afraid that those same people are going to say things about how we could have PREVENTED this baby who actually exists now, and I just - I don't like the bad mojo involved. </div><div><br /></div><div>But this is just one small part of it, at six weeks. Mostly at six weeks, I am tired, emotional, forgetful, and excited. We are thinking of baby names, well, just girl names, since we already have a boy name. I am thinking of how I can stretch my stretchy clothes through a pregnancy, since I gave away all of my maternity clothes. I am trying to drink enough water, eat some vegetables, and take my vitamin every night. I'm having crazy-ass dreams, which I totally forgot about. My breasts are gigantic and sore. I have to pee all the time. Crazy. I forget, every time, everything that happens. </div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-2953817856181632952011-02-12T09:50:00.000-08:002011-02-12T09:56:43.103-08:00NewsI am pregnant again. It is BLOWING my MIND. I am not young, not anything but elderly, as far as babyhaving is concerned and I'm afraid at this stage, I might even be ADVANCED elderly. Oy. I am happy, as ever, every time I see that the test says positive, but man. I am shocked! From the looks of it, it would seem like my husband and I are having sex every spare minute but really? It's not that often. We did sort of take a chance last month, in that we had sex after I had my period but before I (thought I) ovulated. I can only assume that this is what is supposed to happen. I feel very optimistic for several reasons. They are:<div><br /></div><div>1. Babies! Yay! </div><div>2. Another person to meet, as my husband says.</div><div>3. There are four in my family, and I like the sound of it. </div><div>4. It is forcing me to quit some bad habits, wine, occasional cigarettes.</div><div>5. Time off when in the hospital. </div><div>6. We have a bigger house now. </div><div><br /></div><div>But I'm worried for several reasons, too. They are:</div><div><br /></div><div>1. I just started losing weight and feeling good about myself. </div><div>2. I am so old. </div><div>3. I keep thinking I will get back to my life someday, get a job someday, and this just postpones it for another two years or whatever. </div><div>4. I'm worried, as usual, about the higher risk of birth defects, or autism, or whatever. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm trying to not worry about the worries, though. I keep thinking, generally, in my life, I try to believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. That I am ready for whatever happens. So I am going to try to go with that now, when it seems more important than ever. I'm trying but failing, story of my life. </div>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-58438696686006062022011-01-18T10:50:00.000-08:002011-01-18T10:51:27.151-08:00Unhappiness<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: small; ">Here is the thing about being unhappy in one facet of your life. It's very hard to separate it, for me anyway. Our son Joseph has been having some major problems lately. He has autism and he's been really struggling with communication and meltdowns. His communication skills are non-existent, and he gets frustrated and has this mind-blowing tantrums. It happens a lot when he first wakes up and - I mean, I know he is a little boy and I mostly feel for him, but the best comparison I can make is if I lived with someone who hit me. Like I try to walk on eggshells and I try to make everything right for him, but I am always nervous and kind of waiting. So anyways. We are working through it, we are hoping that it gets better and trying to employ all these techniques. I am also trying to keep him away from the little girls because I don't want him to inadvertently hit them. <div><br /></div><div>So...it can suck. And it can make me unhappy, even though I try not to be. And when I'm unhappy in my *family*, in my *house*, I feel unhappy in my marriage. But I am NOT unhappy in my marriage, I just feel like the unhappiness that we have is so pervasive that it invades everything. It makes me feel super impatient with my other kids and also with my husband. </div><div><br /></div><div>But what to do? I don't feel depressed, necessarily. I don't feel ... out of sorts - I mean a lot of it sucks right now, is all. I don't think it will suck forever, we are taking steps to make it better, I just - I feel bad that I feel bad. I feel bad that I am mad and I stomp around sometimes and say "My life SUCKS!" and "This sucks!" and, if I'm being honest, "I want to run away from here and never come back" and, to be completely honest and tell what a jerk I can be, "I wish I were dead and buried in the ground!". I know. I know it's not nice to say. </div><div><br /></div><div>But you know what would help? What would help is if my husband would say nice things to me. It's so lame, I know, but like, I have often thought if he complimented my house keeping or child rearing or LIFE DEALING WITH as often as he talked about my ass, I'd be perfectly sated. I would be happy to never hear another word about my stupid ass if I could just get some real-life compliments. </div></span>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-46483563808021933402010-05-13T07:37:00.000-07:002010-05-13T07:52:04.338-07:00RANDOMLucy is going to be one this weekend. ONE. It has gone fast, even with her sleeping in our room. I keep thinking she will soon be old enough to share a room with Kathleen, who is almost 2.5. But it doesn't seem like anyone is ready. Lucy just started sleeping all night and now I am afraid to mess it up. She is a sweet thing, such a happy and nice baby. <br /><br />I am going to wean her here soon. She has finally learned the finer points of the sippy cup, which is exciting. She is not much of an eater, but we are working on it. I'll take her next week for her one year checkup and hopefully she'll have gained. She was only 16 pounds at her 9 month appointment. I feel sad and also excited about weaning her. <br /><br />Kathleen is driving me mad. I will be a SAHM for five years next year and I don't like it any better than when I started, although I recognize that there is no way I could do anything else. I couldn't have these kids and work, I can barely get out the damned door to a PARK. She is chatty and bossy and she wants to go out in the car every second of the day. <br /><br />Joseph is doing well in school, and in general, but he had a period a few weeks ago where he was MISERABLE and so were we. I fought with his school because they wanted me to GIVE him TYLENOL and to TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR and there was nothing wrong with him except that he was ... really unhappy? Going through a rough period? Having a lot of tantrums? Having major sensory issues? Jeez, I don't know. That's why he is in a SPECIAL SCHOOL for KIDS WITH AUTISM, I felt like telling them. Anyways, he is better now. For now. Whenever he has such tantrums and is so miserable and unable to communicate what is hurting him, I get veryclose to panicking. I picture him bigger and older and kicking my ass, or hurting the girls. It's terrifying. But I am trying to be faithful, we are doing what we can, he is a sweet boy and I am hoping he remains so. <br /><br />My mother is driving me mad. She thinks Kathleen watches too much tv. She said that she - well, it's too weird. Kathleen knows her letters and how to count to 10 and sometimes 20. She knows every color that there is, and lots of animals. She has an excellent memory and she is a good singer. I think that's pretty good for 2.5, but I don't really know, because Joseph isn't a good comparison. But my mom started saying how Kathleen "couldn't count" and "didn't know any letters" and "couldn't hold a conversation". It was INSANE. I told her that she had to leave, I told her I couldn't take it. I am worried enough, I am always looking at the younger two, worried that they are going to be autistic, and I can't have her LYING just to make her case about the freaking TV, which is NOT really watched that much. It's better now, too. But man. It's weird - she is the most overinvolved mother I know. I'm more than 40 years old! Leave me alone! <br /><br />Todd is fine. He is very good, actually. I think we are, at long last, finally starting to communicate a little bit better. It's hard, I don't recommend getting married and having a baby immediately. It makes it very difficult to talk about anything but pregnancy and babies for the next several years. We are trying to not only make it work, but to be happy and enjoy our life, and that is so much more challenging than I would think.<br /><br />I am doing Weight Watchers. It's been like five weeks and it's going very well, I'd say. I really like that point system. I'm also doing a fitness challenge with one of my mom's groups where we are working out for a certain amount of time per month and I like that too. I've been sick the last two days, but other than that I've been doing something like six days a week and it's great. It's great because a) I am getting activity points for WW so I can eat more and it's great because I am b) doing well in the challenge and also I can c) get away from all this for a short period of time and just think about me. Well, me and whatever bitch is leading my exercise of choice. Ha! <br /><br />I guess that's it? For now?ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-75532188752370156882010-02-06T16:09:00.000-08:002010-02-07T05:24:55.126-08:00AutismAutism is so many things, to me. It is a big pain in my ass, and I sometimes get so, so mad at it. But then I think my baby boy has autism, and I love him and I even love his weirdness and quirkiness and ... well, downright ANNOYING behaviors and a lot of them are because he has autism. So I love it? Maybe? <br /><br />I'll tell you what I don't think about autism. I don't think it makes my son into some kind of unicorn or something, I don't think I should leave him just as he is. Because as he is is kind of ... well, socially unacceptable. Selfishly, I want him to talk more because I want to hear what he has to say. I want him to say "NO!" to his sister when she is being a pain or taking something from him. I want him to say "I love you" to me or to his father. I would love to just have a conversation with him, ask him how his day went, something. <br /><br />We are so, so lucky that we live in a state that has an autism mandate. If we didn't, I don't know what we'd do. There is a therapist at the school that J goes to and her brother has autism. He's like 27 or something and there was no mandate when he was growing up, and her father had to quit his job to stay at home with him and do ABA therapy. He quit his job! I can't imagine. I mean, I am home anyway but there is no way I could do ABA with J, I am busy with those needy sisters of his.<br /><br />Autism makes for strange bedfellows, or playgroup fellows anyway. I know that sometimes people don't invite us to things because of J and I think it's bullshit. BUT I understand it. J isn't rough or anything, he never pushes or starts fights, and he really likes to be around people. He also likes to wave his hands in front of his face and make goat boy noises and I guess some people aren't comfortable with their kids being around someone like that. Whatevs.<br /><br />I always start to follow Autism Moms on Twitter and then sometimes I have to stop. I cannot worry about vaccines having caused my son's autism. I don't think they did, and even if they did, (which they didn't, I am sure of it, he's been who he is from Day One), what good does it do me to worry about it now? I have too much to do trying to advocate for my son, I don't have time to advocate for Jenny freaking McCarthy or her idiot boyfriend.<br /><br />Autism hasn't ruined my life, or my marriage, or my son's life, as some ads from Autism Speaks would want you to believe. While it's true that we have challenges, more challenges than parents of typical kids, I swear to God, Kathleen is twice as challenging as Joseph right now. And Todd and I are so, so dumb about it. Joseph was so non-verbal at Kathleen's age that we are always like 'what is UP with all this talking?' It's exciting and annoying and a little bit sad, to us. Just like Parenthood! Ha!ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-85145805880355154842010-01-16T16:11:00.001-08:002010-01-16T16:23:35.032-08:00Random, some more<ul><li>My mother and I are fighting. Ugh, it's the dumbest thing - I asked her if she would like to come and stay with me while Todd goes on a long weekend trip. She is in her winter, snow bird home, and I said we'd fly her up here if she wanted to come. I only did it because before she left after Christmas, she went on and On and ON about how much she'd miss me and the kids, and how she wished she could be in two places at once, etc., etc. So she said sure, and then immediately started to say why she couldn't come. She said she was going to drive - for two days to stay here for three days - which seemed screwy. She told me everyone she's ever known has gotten sick after flying. Finally, I emailed her and said FORGET IT, my sister would come and stay and help me out (there are really only a few times a day when it would help to have someone here, as Joseph is kind of stringent about his schedule). She wrote back and told me that the UNDERWEAR bomber was the problem, had I not heard about him? Sheesh. ANYWAY, I asked her WHY did you say you'd do it if you didn't want to and she told me that she likes to be helpful. Um. NOT helpful. Anyways. It's disappointing but I honestly feel like I'd rather know. Mother OFF babysitting list. :) <br /></li><li>Kathleen turned two. It feels like she should be 20 or 30 by now. She is so unbelievably relentless. I am hoping as she gets older it will get better, OR maybe I will lose my hearing and it will stop bothering me. <br /></li><li>Lucy is getting so big and sitting up and starting to do some pat a cake, which is fun. I wish she babbled more. She seems quiet and of course I am nervous because of Joseph, I'm worried she'll have autism too and if she does I want to get started helping her. This is crazy thinking, I'm aware. She is only eight months old and she's pretty engaged and I'm sure she's fine but man. I am up in the night a lot and I have lots of time to worry. <br /></li><li>Joseph is ... oh, he is mostly noisy! The noises that come out of that child! Again, deafness seems not so bad to me right now. I am taking one day at a time with Joseph. He is so sweet and gorgeous and I feel my heart breaking every day when I look at him. I know he'll be all right but ... again with the late night worry. <br /></li><li>I am up in the night because that 8 month old baby is far, far, from sleeping all night. She is up usually twice and ... it's wearing. I'm worn out. <br /></li><li>As soon as she is weaned, I am going to go away for the weekend, with an old friend of mine who also has three kids. I can't wait and I am also worried. I'm worried the kids will be mad, mostly Lucy, but I have never spent a night away from Kathleen either. Todd and I are planning on going away together in the summer, just for a weekend, so I hope they get used to us being gone separately first. <br /></li><li>I talked to a friend of mine about Kathleen starting at a co-op preschool ... I guess next year? When she is three? I don't know when typical kids go to preschool. I love the idea of it. I just don't know if I can wait a year. <br /></li><li>Todd and I are fine. He is so good in so many ways, mostly I try to ignore/subtly correct the ways that bug me. Today, it's good so I'll take it. <br /></li><li>I have been working out a lot, I'm almost done with the couch to five K. I am still as fat as butter though. I just can't eat as little as I should. I'm hungry. And also? I like ice cream when I'm nursing. But I'm working on it. I wish it were easier but it's NOT. <br /></li></ul>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-39241735692499675742009-12-16T11:33:00.000-08:002009-12-16T11:34:16.075-08:00What Have I Done?Sometimes (largely when I am thinking of other people or looking at their damned blogs) I think OMG I did this all wrong! I was too damned old to get married and start having kids. I see these women who had babies after I did and they are as thin as reeds and I think what the hell? I have been pretty good, diet wise, since August and pretty good, exercise wise since then but also have been running and I am not. As thin. As a reed. Even a trunk-type reed. Well, I think I'm over 40! What do I expect? I think that I am never supposed to eat sweets or anything bad and that just ... that sounds so hard! I'm so tired, I gave up caffeine for the sleepless breastfeeder, I can never go out without getting a call that the baby is crying, etc., etc., all that and no cookies? Ever? It seems wrong. It seems like if I was 15 years younger, it would all be much easier. That and I wouldn't feel so close to death.ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-62938808834807960992009-12-07T11:04:00.000-08:002009-12-07T11:11:24.404-08:00Motherhood 101I have a six month old, and I look at a lot of blogs of people who have babies my age. I like the feeling of it, that we are all in it together or whatever. Sometimes I don't know the person, it's like a friend of a friend or something. This one blog that I go to? It's so strange. The mom had a picture of her older girl, who is like three, and her baby, who is a month younger than Lucy, and the baby appeared to be standing! They were at a pumpkin patch or something outside and it looked like the two girls were standing there by a pumpkin. Then I looked more closely and I could see the Dad was propping up the baby, holding her up in a standing position.<br /><br />Did I miss a meeting or a class or something? Are we supposed to buy this bullshit? It's like these wretches that are always talking about how their kids slept 'through the night' at whatever age. Two weeks, six weeks, whatever. My friend Cathryn always says her boys slept "through the night, from 7 til 7, and only got up twice to nurse". What the what? That is not sleeping all night! That is sleeping and waking up to nurse!<br /><br />Lucy has been sick, she had a high fever all last week and I got up with her for like four nights in a row at midnight - for the day. She's better now and I know that's all that matters, but man. Todd was rubbing my shoulders last night and I started to cry, it felt so good. I told him, through very dramatic tears, that I feel like I'll never be well rested again. I'll never just wake up in the morning and ... feel normal. You can set your watch by it, I have a six month old and I think the world is going to end. I know she'll start sleeping soon, better, but man. I am tired and grumpy in the meantime and I just can't take these bitches standing their babies up in pictures!ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-80298251050682970872009-11-23T07:26:00.001-08:002009-11-23T08:04:08.487-08:00LitanyOh do I have complaints! Where better to take them? I hope?<br /><br /><ul><li>My head hurts, and has for days. I gave up caffeine, hoping it would help Lucy sleep better. It might be and it might not but for right now my head hurts. Also, she pulls the hell out of my hair and that makes it hurt, too.<br /></li><li>I am tired. I haven't slept for eight hours in ... well, it's been years. But I haven't slept for six hours in a year or two and that's harder. Last night I slept for five hours in a row for the first time in months.<br /></li><li>I am in a crappy mood, and unable to appreciate my life.<br /></li><li>Our furnace needed to be cleaned and when the guy came to do it, he found out that the exhaust pipe was broken (by some bad kid, no doubt) and spewing carbon monoxide everywhere. I assume it had just happened, since we have a CO2 detector and it hadn't gone off yet.<br /></li><li>Joseph continues to flourish in school, but I had a run in with the director of his school, who established a policy, through flu season (which she says is through February or March), where your child has to stay home for SEVEN days when they have a fever above 99.9. It's really, really hard for J. to be off his schedule for that long, especially since he was sick for exactly one day.<br /></li><li>Kathleen wakes up so early that she is never going to just take one nap a day. She's already up from her first nap and it's 10:30. Lucy is down for her second nap, but crying, because she's so tired. How does this happen? How do I think so much about sleep and never get any? <br /></li><li>I am not going to my MIL's for T-giving. She's disappointed, even though I have said we're not going to travel an hour each way when one of us hates the car seat so much that she screams the entire time she's in it. Also? Don't have dinner at 12:30 if you want us to come. That's at least two people's naptime. <br /></li><li>I am always worried about money. We're fine but we haven't even started to pay on J's school yet, the insurance company is delaying it so much that we haven't had to pay our $1K deductible yet. We have no idea what we are going to have to pay, with copays, etc. It's so weird to not be able to contribute at all. I can't get Lucy to eat any food, she won't take a bottle, so I have to be here during her waking hours. <br /></li></ul>Let's see, is that all? That's probably pretty good, for a Monday. I am actively trying to make my (our) life better, I am trying to get L to eat and sleep better, trying to push K to stay awake a little longer in the mornings so she can just take one nap a day, and trying to give it over where J and his school is concerned. I'm trying not to worry so much about the future. "I'm trying", I always tell the kids, but you are too". Ha!ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-84260113731567643542009-10-27T05:49:00.000-07:002009-10-27T06:02:09.358-07:00SAHMing and FailureI was just on the phone with my husband, telling him how I have been putting Lucy down for a morning nap for like six weeks now, and practically every single morning, she cries. Sometimes only for two minutes but sometimes, longer. I am willing to leave her up there for an hour (I suppose), because that's what my book says, but man. My flesh is weak when it comes to that - I hate to hear her cry. And also - what the hell, Lucy? Go to sleep! Take a nap! You're tired, it's been two hours since you've woken up, you're yawning and rubbing your eyes - go to sleep! Sleep! I'm sick of failing every day of my life in this job. My husband said, well it's not your failure, but really? It is. If he went into work today and tomorrow and for the next six weeks and effed up the first thing he did every day, it would be considered a failure. <br /><br />I sometimes wish I wasn't so old when I started all this - marriage and family. I worked for a long time, got a Masters degree, worked some more, etc., etc. I have almost always had two jobs, because I like to work. I like to make things work. I like to polish silverware and iron, because I like the gratification of it. I have all these expectations of how my day will go, and just ... it doesn't go like I think it's going to and it's depressing. <br /><br />For the last few weeks, I have been really trying not to focus on me and how sorry I feel for myself. It's been working, too. But just when it's going okay and I am NOT losing my mind for once, I have a night where I am up three times with the baby and never really sleep. I guess sleeplessness is my kryptonite? That is beyond unfortunate for me, what with the three bad sleeping kids that I have. Todd is always telling me that I can go take a nap, on the weekends. "Do you want to go take a nap?" he says, like it's a possibility. Like I won't hear the other three, or even just the baby. <br /><br />At least my parents have gone to their winter home, so I don't have to hear them tell me every day how this is the best time of my life. There's that. <br /><br />The other day, I was reading a linked post about liars on the internet. I was so excited to read it because I HATE liars on the internet. But I was a teensy bit disappointed, because it was about real liars. I was thinking more about the liars like D00ce is a liar. Like how she says how AWESOME it is to get up at 6:00 in the morning, because her baby is so awesome! It doesn't even feel like the morning! Or something. I didn't read it, but I bet it was in a draft somewhere, that D00ce's baby's shit doesn't stink, either. I am so tired of reading blogs that talk about how awesome and amazing it is to ... not to have kids, or watch them grow, or even take care of them. Because of course those things can be amazing. But to not sleep, or to listen to them scream, or to get peed on, or whatever. Those things are BY DEFINITION, NOT AMAZING. Those things are a) exhasting, b) painful to the ears, and c) dirty. Lord. Those are the kind of liars I hate on the internet. <br /><br />Lastly, because it wouldn't be a post if I didn't say something about my MIL, this weekend she was here and she was all, "do you guys get to go out at ALL with your parents gone?" Todd said yes, we had a babysitter last weekend and we also go out separately, too. She went on and on about how BAD she would feel if we didn't get to GO OUT. I said to Todd, after she left, what the hell is she getting at? Is she rubbing it in that she won't babysit? She's not a mean person, so it doesn't seem likely, but what the hell else? Why would she ask and ask about if we are going out, say how important it is for us to get out, and then never offer to babysit? I try to just ignore it, because otherwise, ugh, I don't know what I'd say. Nothing nice.ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-71736324412897980162009-09-28T05:46:00.000-07:002009-09-28T05:47:16.908-07:00How We are DoingMy husband ... drives me crazy. And then I am driven crazier because I should not complain, he could not be nicer or more kind to me, to us. But my God. Because you are so nice and kind, does that mean you can leave the dirty diapers where you changed them? Walk by things that are on the floor and need to be picked up? STOMP around this house when everyone is sleeping? Snore? Does it? Maybe. <br /><br />My son ... is doing very well in his new school. He is thriving, I daresay. Sometimes I remember that he has autism and I get super, SUPER panicked and sad but it's rare. Mostly he's just my boy, and we're doing what we need to do to get him where he needs to be. I told my husband the other day, I don't care if he lives with us forever, but if he could be a little quieter, that would be great. LORD he is noisy! It's like bad yodeling, and it's constant. Yesterday as I was driving him home from school, he bleated the whole time and I wanted to jump out of the moving car to get away from it. I think it's bad and then I talk to my husband on the phone when he is with him and I think HOLY CRAP how can anyone I talk to on the phone hear me through that braying? It sucks because I like to talk on the phone in the car, it's my only chance sometimes. <br /><br />My first daughter is driving me mad. When Joseph was her age, he was nutty but he has autism and some of the things that he did can be explained by that. But she is nutty too! She is like a walking, climbing, RUNNING baby! She has no sense at all and she is MAD all of the time, practically. She wakes up way too early and is completely lunatic by 8:00 a.m. It's so depressing, I don't want to put her down for a nap, she's closer to 2 than 1 and I would like her to just take one nap a day but I have to put her down, if only to not be with her. <br /><br />My baby girl is ... getting older and better. She is never fussy anymore unless she's tired. She still likes to be held, mostly, but I am trying to just put her down in different places. Our house is insane with the seats, exersaucer, baby gym, blankets, etc. I can't ever put her in anything on the floor because then Kathleen can get to her so it's crazy looking around here. She's sleeping okay, napping crappily, and being super cute to make up for all of it. She is my favorite right now. <br /><br />My parents are ... headed to their retirement village for the winter this week. It is great to have them here because my mom babysits a lot but man. They're crazy. I always, always feel so set up by my mom. Todd took the two older ones to his mom's this Saturday and my mom asked me specifically how Joseph had done in the car and I said 'man is he noisy! I could hardly ever hear Todd, he was so noisy". I could hear her IMMEDIATELY pooh pooh it. She wants it to be that it's not so bad, that it's just like everyone else, but it's not. He has autism and one of his stims is that he brays like an animal, really loudly. It's NOT the same as a 'typical' four year old talking or asking questions, or even singing. I'm ... well, not fine with it, but I'm accepting of it and I wish she would be. I cannot stand it when people downplay what others are going through so that it makes THEM feel better. Last week, my mom and dad were here and she asked me how I liked my haircut. I said, oh it's fine, but it's too short, I have to dry it and straighten it or else I look like Ronald McDonald. IMMEDIATELY the two of them were on me, "Oh, it looks FINE! It's not CURLY! It looks GREAT!" I stuttered along - well, the thing is, it only looks like this because I had to spend so much time on it, when it was long, I could just put it up and ... you know what? Never mind. They are insane and probably just like everyone else's parents. <br /><br />I am.... afraid I'm not going to make it some days. I've been not eating sweets during the week for several weeks now. I have broken my ice cream addiction, I think. I was working out well but I've stalled, since I had a cold last week and I don't sleep enough. I'm too tired for mean old Jillian Michaels half the time. Lucy is sleeping well but she is still up once in the night and that means I rarely get four hours in a row. I'm tense enough and well rested enough that it takes me a while to fall back to sleep after I'm done feeding her and God forbid Todd is snoring, then I'm really screwed. But it's better, it's better with Joseph in school, it's better that Lucy is getting older. Nothing aboutg Kathleen is better, really, but she's only getting older and that in itself will be good. I hope!ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-73483844713655105182009-07-19T09:44:00.000-07:002009-07-20T07:10:49.338-07:00RandomSome things I have been thinking about:<br /><br /><ul><li>weight loss. Yawn. I know. I am always thinking about it. I have been working out well the last few weeks (largely because it comforts Lucy to move around so I put her in the carrier and workout. Then I've worked out AND I have a sleeping/non screaming baby). I cannot seem to stop eating ice cream. Because my life is so HARD, see? That's why I have to eat the ice cream! Waah! I have recently made some sugar free snacks and am hoping I can start to do better on the feeling sorry for myself ice cream thing. I have a lot of clothes in my old size and I want to wear them.<br /></li><li>Lucy. Colicky! Three kids, all fussy! The hell? I have also decided to stop worrying about WHY ME and just wait out the next four weeks or so. I am better at dealing with them now, I try to concentrate on that. She is gorgeous though and I feel sweet about her because I really think she will be my last.</li><li>NFP. We are going to try to not have more kids. We have serious reasons for not wanting to - we have no room, Joseph's future is ... murky, I'm old, etc., etc. I got a book on postpartum NFP so hopefully I'll be able to figure it out.<br /></li><li>Todd. I think marriage is so weird. I love him more than anything and appreciate him so much, especially when I think of who some of my friends are married to. But my GOD do I get mad at him!<br /></li><li>Sleep. I haven't had any. Twice I've had four hours in a row. In nine weeks. Ugh.<br /></li><li>Help. I have someone coming in this week for the next few weeks, until Joseph starts school. I am going crazy alone, I hope it doesn't make me crazier to have someone here.</li><li>My Mom. I had to tell her that she can't come over here anymore to 'help' me if she is just going to question everything I do with my kids. It went ... okay. She is still tempted, I can tell, but it's better.<br /></li><li>Resentment. I resent having to mother my kids AND my mother AND my husband. </li><li>My MIL. Asked Todd if them coming to visit added to our stress. Ha ha ha! He said everything adds to our stress, it's just LIKE that in a house with a newborn and also maybe she could give us a little more notice when she comes to visit. She loves to call on Saturday and say "should I come up today or tomorrow?" It's very annoying. So he told her, and I told HIM, I would have added, maybe don't bring sodas from whatever fast food place you stopped on the way up without offering to get us some thing? Or maybe EVER bring anything, even ONE TIME, to our house? Or maybe HELP us, sometime? Whatever, just some ideas I had. You dope. </li><li>I guess that's it. Lucy is coming up on 10 weeks and I am hopeful things calm the hell down. <br /></li></ul>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-71100867907550479862009-05-17T16:29:00.000-07:002009-05-17T16:34:36.200-07:00HomeI'm home with my new girl, Lucy. She is adorable. ZOMG. A-dorable. We had a SCARE because her lungs were all FULL and she wasn't getting enough OXYGEN SATURATION or something but she is fine now, thank God. She was in the nursery and out of my arms for the first 24 hours of her life, which was hard but I was happy that she was getting the care she needed and also it is the most rest I've gotten in years. The nurses in the constant care nursery where she was were angels and amazing and also? She was the biggest baby in there so Todd and I felt guilty and conspicuous. <br /><br />But we came home today and despite some misunderstandings with my MIL about how many people we wanted greeting us when we came home, all is well. It was the first time I was away from Kathleen and I've been away from Joseph but the older it gets the harder it gets because he doesn't understand, really, where I am or when I'm coming back so he just gets sadder and sadder every time Todd comes home without me. I had to not think about it too much in the hospital. Of course, all is forgiven now and we are back to normal, practically - the new normal, that is. I'm sure she's going to be up all night - she has slept SO much today, but what can you do? Todd is home for a few weeks and I am going to try to enjoy it, or appreciate it, or something. <br /><br />Despite not being with me for the first day, she is breastfeeding well and I am so grateful that I am almost enjoying it. She is teeny, one pound lighter than the other two, which doesn't seem like much but it is. She is also stirring so I better run but I wanted to record it. We're home withTHREE kids now and ... I'm scared but also hopeful. I have to get good at this sometime right? Please? :)ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-15708989474912102502009-05-12T07:07:00.000-07:002009-05-12T07:18:11.122-07:00Days AwaySo we are days away from meeting our third baby. Some observations about this pregnancy:<br /><br /><ul><li>I cannot get over how many people have asked me or Todd if we are having more kids. Like, I'll run into someone that I haven't seen for a while and we'll be talking about them, or me, or catching up. They might say "when are you due?" and I'll say "May" and they'll say "are you guys having more?" It always takes me aback, - I mean - it always surprises me when people ask me, but ESPECIALLY when I am hugely pregnant! I want to say, well we can't have sex for six weeks after, so not ... RIGHT away. Sheesh. Last night Todd went to pick up carryout for dinner (I can't cook when I am this large - ugh) and he mentioned to the bartender that once his super pregnant was up and about we'd have to come in to try this beer that they had. Some other guy was at the bar, and asked Todd if this was our first and he said no, our third...under three. The guy told Todd, "you need to get SNIPPED". A stranger! In a bar! Are you EFFING kidding me?</li><li>I feel bigger than ever this time, but my doctor says she thinks this will be my smallest baby yet. We'll see. I think maybe I just feel so big because I keep forgetting what the end is like. You're at the END for such a short period of time, maybe it's just not what stays with me? I keep losing weight, or staying the same, ever since I've been like 30 weeks or something. This is from the diabetes diet, I guess, although this week I just don't feel like eating much. <br /></li><li>Joseph and Kathleen are losing their damned minds - neither of them really understand what is happening, but both of them know something is up. This will be my first time away from Kathleen overnight and it will be for THREE overnights! I am nervous but trying not to project it on her. My parents are staying here and then my MIL (and many, many others, I'm sure) are going to come up and stay one night. <br /></li><li>I wish I could go one day early. If I did, just my parents would have to stay and not my MIL. I don't really mind her coming up and staying, of course, I mean, I appreciate it but I hate the thought of the big damned parade through my house while I'm not here. I know I am a control freak and a weirdo. <br /></li><li>The other day I mentioned on FB that I was going to think about all the things I had to do this week and all these people commented that I should just LIE DOWN! I was having a BABY, what else was there to do? I have no idea what people think about my life but man. I have to do the laundry, the diapers, change the sheets on the bed that my parents will be sleeping on, right? These are things that won't keep. People are crazy!</li><li>At first, when I first learned I was pregnant, I was so worried about this baby. I was worried it would be a boy and if it was a boy he would be autistic, like Joseph. I was worried that Joseph and Kathleen would be all freaked out when I stay away for three nights and then bring home some BABY. Worry worry worry. Now I am so eager to meet this baby, who I have seen more in ultrasound than any other baby (it seems like they all do 4D now), I don't care! I don't care if he's a he or a she or has three arms! I am so hopeful and optimistic and I just can't wait. I know I'm really crazy, because I am even looking forward to breastfeeding, which I mostly hate. I feel ... joyous? Drunk with possibility? It's a good feeling, even if it will be dashed - for now, I'm just living it. <br /></li></ul>ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-11805287317900024482009-03-31T15:01:00.001-07:002009-03-31T15:15:52.947-07:00Mommie DearestOh, my mother. I could go on and on. And I will! :) Our relationship has really shifted, as has everything else in my damned life, in the last five years since I got married and started having kids. Also, our relationship has gotten kind of weird in the last two years or so, since she and my Dad started going to Florida for half of the year. They are SO WEIRD about it. They are almost 70, and maybe this happens to everyone's parents but man. My Dad has always been a quiet person and my mom the gregarious one. NOW, in Florida, my Dad is like this crazy ass golfer, who plays with strangers and goes for walks with his best friend, this guy he used to work with. It's bizarre. My mom is busy busy busy, too, she takes swim classes and plays mahjong and - ugh - it's endless. She, like, never calls me, rather she emails me this BULLSHIT political claptrap and chicken soup for the soul and just - ugh - those cannot count as correspondence! <br /><br />When she is in town, we talk quite a bit. I will never EVER forget how she used to come over when Joseph was a baby and would scream for hours and hours and hours. I would just call at like 11:00 at night or something and not even say anything and she'd say "Hello? I'll be right there". And she'd show up ten minutes later and take that baby and hold him and let me sleep. One night she sat in a chair holding him from 11:30 til 5:00 the next morning, it was the most sleep I had gotten in months. I will never forget it or be able to repay her for it. <br /><br />BUT she still drives me mad! She has always been a kook, way too involved in my life, way too opinionated about everything, never having any respect for my decisions, etc. But now that she is a Floridian, it seems like she doesn't care at all about me or what happens and it's so much harder to take than her being overinvolved. I had no idea it would feel like this, but it's very hurtful. <br /><br />When she is home, she watches the kids whenever I want, at least one night a week and it is beyond helpful. BUT she is always late. ALWAYS. She used to come over to 'help' in the afternoons, and more than half the time, she'd fall asleep on the couch. This is not helpful! <br /><br />Ugh. Her mom died when she was young and my sister and I have discussed the fact that our mom seems to not know how to be a mom to adult daughters. Also, she and my Dad seem to have this "we raised our kids, now we just want to bask in the sun and be left alone" attitude, which is FINE, I mean, I agree, they did work hard and they were excellent parents and I am glad they can enjoy their retirement but man. I feel like I get the short end of the stick because I had kids later than my brothers. <br /><br />Also? She leaves ridiculous messages on my voice mail, when she calls. I call her all the time and her cell phone is turned off - because she is charging it. I have told her endless times, she does NOT have to turn off her phone to charge it, but my Dad has told her that she has to (not that he knows anything) and so she does. She'll leave it off all day or until I track her down on my Dad's phone or something. Then she'll call me, at dinner time or bed time or some time when everyone in my world knows is not a good time to call and she'll leave just this on the message, in a VERY strident tone:<br /><br />"TRYING TO REACH YOU AGAIN! I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN LATER. SIGH. SIGH". <br /><br />And I think who would answer that message? You can't even use a full sentence on your message? STOP calling me at bedtime! Grrr. <br /><br />We have had major issues about Joseph and the fact that he is autistic. My mom is a sucker and wants to get in to all these REASONS that he could be autistic. She thinks VACCINES are the cause and that JENNY MCCARTHY is a DOCTOR or something. Ugh. She sends me one million links from World Net Daily, with this NONSENSE about how (and I am not kidding) soy milk can make young boys gay. I mean - really? What am I supposed to do with that information? Every link she sends takes me to some website that has like 100 fonts with blinking text and all this nonsense.<br /><br />So. Clearly I have major issues with my Mommy but she is coming back soon and I can't wait. I always have high hopes that we won't argue about things, that it will all go well, and then it all falls apart about 20 minutes into every visit. You could almost set your watch by it.ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-23227635924382451822009-03-17T05:39:00.000-07:002009-03-17T05:50:14.116-07:00On HusbandsGod I am so mad lately at my husband. Ninety five percent of the time, he is FINE, he is more than fine, he is PERFECT. He is unselfish and patient, with both me and the kids, he does way more than his fair share around here, he is perfect. But the things that make up the other five percent of him seem to make me the craziest when I am pregnant or crazy, or both. Like now. <br /><br />I am having a hard time of it here lately, I admit it. Last night he shut the door on my foot, which he is sort of likely to do - he is kind of unaware of the people around him and can be clumsy. I didn't care, really, but then he didn't say one thing! Not I'm sorry, or piss off, or get your big foot out of the way, NOTHING. So I said hey, you shut the door on my foot and he said I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you. Isn't that weird? Not to just say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you? What the hell is that?<br /><br />Then this morning I am upset. I slept badly, largely because of that effed up apology last night, and also because I can't sleep on my back, side, side, or belly, and I am grumpy this morning. I am TRYING to get over it but I do not look forward to any day here lately - Kathleen is very grumpy and has to go down for her first, teensy, short nap by like 8:30, leaving me no time to do anything except get dressed, Joseph is crazier than ever, I'm tired and short tempered, etc. I said how I was going to have to reschedule my next OB appointment, because of Todd's work schedule, I would have to take the kids with me and I just can't. They are just not the kind of kids I can take to a doctor's appoitntment. I don't have any babysitter options, it's the middle of the day, etc., etc. Todd asked me if there was a way that I could make it for Friday of that week, because he was planning on taking that day off anyway. <br /><br />Now. I asked him about this yesterday, I said that I made the appointment for a time that I couldn't go and I was concerned about it. He told me that he was unable to leave work that day. Did he mention that he PLANNED to take off a whole day that week? No! Why, I asked him, do you squirrel away information like that? That is the week of Joseph's school break so I am already miserable about it, it would mean a lot to me if he could be home with me. WHY wouldn't you tell me that? He said he just thought of it. I said you just now, just this morning, thought of it? Well no, he said, he thought of it yesterday but then he forgot to tell me. <br /><br />How I hate people who think "I forgot" means that that automatically makes it okay, somehow. To me, "I forgot" is just shorthand for "I don't care enough to tell you". I forgot? Do I forget to change the kids diapers? To feed them? To go get them when they are crying? I FORGOT? What does that mean? <br /><br />Then he got very UPSET. He got sort of very sad and emotional. I can't help but think on some level that this is manipulative. He does it a lot - if I have a sore back, he has a sore back AND NECK. If I get a cold, he gets a cold and a VERY SORE THROAT. If I'm tired, he's EXHAUSTED. GOD. I can't believe that I am having my third baby here soon and also taking care of this 40 year old baby, too. <br /><br />I am hoping this is just pregnancy madness. The bad thing about pregnancy madness, for me, is that it feels really real.ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1272659089773447885.post-49798474719571841702009-03-09T10:15:00.000-07:002009-03-09T10:27:51.947-07:00Hot Button IssuesIs this a theme? C1 talked about her hot button issues and I commented but I thought I'd write about mine here, why not. <br /><br />I get very annoyed by many, many things, and I am trying to be better about it. Last night I had to go to the drugstore because I needed soda and just ... crap and it was Sunday night and I figured the drugstore would be my best bet. We live in the city so there is not a Target or good grocery store right nearby. It was kind of horrible at the drugstore, it was packed and they didn't have a lot of the things I wanted. I have the gestational diabetes again with this baby - or I should say I was very very borderline on the one hour test and I opted not to take the three hour - I don't see the point of going in and wasting three hours when I could just test at home and eat right and exercise. The nurse at my ob's office seemed sort of shocked about this but seriously? I do not have three hours and it's not like I'm going to be doing anything I shouldn't be doing anyway, eschewing dessert and white food and being sure to exercise a bit every day. So anyway. I wanted sugar free antacids and they had none. I wanted diet and caffeine free soda and they had NONE. NONE. There were crazy people on line, talking and talking to me and carrying in food that they found on the street and running out of money, etc., etc. and I was just over it. I was telling Todd about it when I got home and he said well, they're not going to change, so maybe you should, to be happier. Which is good advice. Annoying but good. <br /><br />SO. I'm trying not to get mad at people for things they can't control, or for things that *I* deem annoying but are not to everyone. I know I can be a bitch and I'm tired and stressed out most of the time so I have to take myself with a grain of salt. <br /><br />BUT I have had it with my MIL. Yesterday she was going to come up and see the kids. She had called the previous Saturday for Sunday and we already had plans. So she asked if she could come over THIS Sunday and she called on Thursday to confirm. I think it shocked her to the core that we could have made plans and she couldn't just swoop in like normal. Anyway, she called Saturday night but didn't leave a message so Todd called her yesterday to be sure everything is okay and she wanted to know if she could bring our nephew, who was DYING to see the kids (ha ha, he never even looks at the kids, he just uses our computer or texts the whole time he's here and I don't blame him - he is 16). Anyway, he had a friend with him so could he bring him too? So Todd said no, this comes up EVERY TIME. We have kind of a small house, it's a row house and it's like basically two rooms downstairs. Joseph can be kind of strange with new people, including my MIL, who is new every time she comes. WHY would I want to put him in a situation where he's uncomfortable? Or, and this is probably an unfounded fear, but I don't know this teenage boy at all, what if he was to make fun of Joseph? Or find it amusing how Joseph self-stims? I just am not up to it. Also, if you want to come and see the kids, COME AND SEE THE KIDS. Every single time there is some sort of extra thing involved. This is why I am never having my MIL stay over anymore - every time she does, like if we wanted to stay out overnight, or do something late, or something, she brings EVERYONE she knows, it feels like. Last time her husband couldn't come because he was working on a Saturday, so he came up here at 7:30 Sunday morning. SEVEN THIRTY. No one seems to think it's weird but me. <br /><br />Todd definitely tells her that she can't bring strangers to the house but he doesn't like to. Plus she knows it's me that's saying no, and yesterday she barely spoke to me. Sigh. I do not know what to do about it. Todd doesn't like to say no to people, he says, as if - I mean, who does? Who LIKES confrontation and making people unhappy? Nobody. I am just willing to do it for the greater good and he's not. Anyway. That is frustrating to me and, I think, at the core of my issue with people not recognizing that our life is different because Joseph has autism. It's not BAD, I'm not JUDGING it, but I just want to call a freaking spade a spade and say we have to consider what is going to happen a little more than someone with a typical child. <br /><br />God I am really babbling here so I'll stop. Hot button indeed!ConstanceTheNinthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951231090526007126noreply@blogger.com0