What Have I Done?

Sometimes (largely when I am thinking of other people or looking at their damned blogs) I think OMG I did this all wrong! I was too damned old to get married and start having kids. I see these women who had babies after I did and they are as thin as reeds and I think what the hell? I have been pretty good, diet wise, since August and pretty good, exercise wise since then but also have been running and I am not. As thin. As a reed. Even a trunk-type reed. Well, I think I'm over 40! What do I expect? I think that I am never supposed to eat sweets or anything bad and that just ... that sounds so hard! I'm so tired, I gave up caffeine for the sleepless breastfeeder, I can never go out without getting a call that the baby is crying, etc., etc., all that and no cookies? Ever? It seems wrong. It seems like if I was 15 years younger, it would all be much easier. That and I wouldn't feel so close to death.

Motherhood 101

I have a six month old, and I look at a lot of blogs of people who have babies my age. I like the feeling of it, that we are all in it together or whatever. Sometimes I don't know the person, it's like a friend of a friend or something. This one blog that I go to? It's so strange. The mom had a picture of her older girl, who is like three, and her baby, who is a month younger than Lucy, and the baby appeared to be standing! They were at a pumpkin patch or something outside and it looked like the two girls were standing there by a pumpkin. Then I looked more closely and I could see the Dad was propping up the baby, holding her up in a standing position.

Did I miss a meeting or a class or something? Are we supposed to buy this bullshit? It's like these wretches that are always talking about how their kids slept 'through the night' at whatever age. Two weeks, six weeks, whatever. My friend Cathryn always says her boys slept "through the night, from 7 til 7, and only got up twice to nurse". What the what? That is not sleeping all night! That is sleeping and waking up to nurse!

Lucy has been sick, she had a high fever all last week and I got up with her for like four nights in a row at midnight - for the day. She's better now and I know that's all that matters, but man. Todd was rubbing my shoulders last night and I started to cry, it felt so good. I told him, through very dramatic tears, that I feel like I'll never be well rested again. I'll never just wake up in the morning and ... feel normal. You can set your watch by it, I have a six month old and I think the world is going to end. I know she'll start sleeping soon, better, but man. I am tired and grumpy in the meantime and I just can't take these bitches standing their babies up in pictures!

Litany

Oh do I have complaints! Where better to take them? I hope?

• My head hurts, and has for days. I gave up caffeine, hoping it would help Lucy sleep better. It might be and it might not but for right now my head hurts. Also, she pulls the hell out of my hair and that makes it hurt, too.
  
• I am tired. I haven't slept for eight hours in ... well, it's been years. But I haven't slept for six hours in a year or two and that's harder. Last night I slept for five hours in a row for the first time in months.
  
• I am in a crappy mood, and unable to appreciate my life.
  
• Our furnace needed to be cleaned and when the guy came to do it, he found out that the exhaust pipe was broken (by some bad kid, no doubt) and spewing carbon monoxide everywhere. I assume it had just happened, since we have a CO2 detector and it hadn't gone off yet.
  
• Joseph continues to flourish in school, but I had a run in with the director of his school, who established a policy, through flu season (which she says is through February or March), where your child has to stay home for SEVEN days when they have a fever above 99.9. It's really, really hard for J. to be off his schedule for that long, especially since he was sick for exactly one day.
  
• Kathleen wakes up so early that she is never going to just take one nap a day. She's already up from her first nap and it's 10:30. Lucy is down for her second nap, but crying, because she's so tired. How does this happen? How do I think so much about sleep and never get any?
  
• I am not going to my MIL's for T-giving. She's disappointed, even though I have said we're not going to travel an hour each way when one of us hates the car seat so much that she screams the entire time she's in it. Also? Don't have dinner at 12:30 if you want us to come. That's at least two people's naptime.
  
• I am always worried about money. We're fine but we haven't even started to pay on J's school yet, the insurance company is delaying it so much that we haven't had to pay our $1K deductible yet. We have no idea what we are going to have to pay, with copays, etc. It's so weird to not be able to contribute at all. I can't get Lucy to eat any food, she won't take a bottle, so I have to be here during her waking hours.
  

Let's see, is that all? That's probably pretty good, for a Monday. I am actively trying to make my (our) life better, I am trying to get L to eat and sleep better, trying to push K to stay awake a little longer in the mornings so she can just take one nap a day, and trying to give it over where J and his school is concerned. I'm trying not to worry so much about the future. "I'm trying", I always tell the kids, but you are too". Ha!

SAHMing and Failure

I was just on the phone with my husband, telling him how I have been putting Lucy down for a morning nap for like six weeks now, and practically every single morning, she cries. Sometimes only for two minutes but sometimes, longer. I am willing to leave her up there for an hour (I suppose), because that's what my book says, but man. My flesh is weak when it comes to that - I hate to hear her cry. And also - what the hell, Lucy? Go to sleep! Take a nap! You're tired, it's been two hours since you've woken up, you're yawning and rubbing your eyes - go to sleep! Sleep! I'm sick of failing every day of my life in this job. My husband said, well it's not your failure, but really? It is. If he went into work today and tomorrow and for the next six weeks and effed up the first thing he did every day, it would be considered a failure.

I sometimes wish I wasn't so old when I started all this - marriage and family. I worked for a long time, got a Masters degree, worked some more, etc., etc. I have almost always had two jobs, because I like to work. I like to make things work. I like to polish silverware and iron, because I like the gratification of it. I have all these expectations of how my day will go, and just ... it doesn't go like I think it's going to and it's depressing.

For the last few weeks, I have been really trying not to focus on me and how sorry I feel for myself. It's been working, too. But just when it's going okay and I am NOT losing my mind for once, I have a night where I am up three times with the baby and never really sleep. I guess sleeplessness is my kryptonite? That is beyond unfortunate for me, what with the three bad sleeping kids that I have. Todd is always telling me that I can go take a nap, on the weekends. "Do you want to go take a nap?" he says, like it's a possibility. Like I won't hear the other three, or even just the baby.

At least my parents have gone to their winter home, so I don't have to hear them tell me every day how this is the best time of my life. There's that.

The other day, I was reading a linked post about liars on the internet. I was so excited to read it because I HATE liars on the internet. But I was a teensy bit disappointed, because it was about real liars. I was thinking more about the liars like D00ce is a liar. Like how she says how AWESOME it is to get up at 6:00 in the morning, because her baby is so awesome! It doesn't even feel like the morning! Or something. I didn't read it, but I bet it was in a draft somewhere, that D00ce's baby's shit doesn't stink, either. I am so tired of reading blogs that talk about how awesome and amazing it is to ... not to have kids, or watch them grow, or even take care of them. Because of course those things can be amazing. But to not sleep, or to listen to them scream, or to get peed on, or whatever. Those things are BY DEFINITION, NOT AMAZING. Those things are a) exhasting, b) painful to the ears, and c) dirty. Lord. Those are the kind of liars I hate on the internet.

Lastly, because it wouldn't be a post if I didn't say something about my MIL, this weekend she was here and she was all, "do you guys get to go out at ALL with your parents gone?" Todd said yes, we had a babysitter last weekend and we also go out separately, too. She went on and on about how BAD she would feel if we didn't get to GO OUT. I said to Todd, after she left, what the hell is she getting at? Is she rubbing it in that she won't babysit? She's not a mean person, so it doesn't seem likely, but what the hell else? Why would she ask and ask about if we are going out, say how important it is for us to get out, and then never offer to babysit? I try to just ignore it, because otherwise, ugh, I don't know what I'd say. Nothing nice.

How We are Doing

My husband ... drives me crazy. And then I am driven crazier because I should not complain, he could not be nicer or more kind to me, to us. But my God. Because you are so nice and kind, does that mean you can leave the dirty diapers where you changed them? Walk by things that are on the floor and need to be picked up? STOMP around this house when everyone is sleeping? Snore? Does it? Maybe.

My son ... is doing very well in his new school. He is thriving, I daresay. Sometimes I remember that he has autism and I get super, SUPER panicked and sad but it's rare. Mostly he's just my boy, and we're doing what we need to do to get him where he needs to be. I told my husband the other day, I don't care if he lives with us forever, but if he could be a little quieter, that would be great. LORD he is noisy! It's like bad yodeling, and it's constant. Yesterday as I was driving him home from school, he bleated the whole time and I wanted to jump out of the moving car to get away from it. I think it's bad and then I talk to my husband on the phone when he is with him and I think HOLY CRAP how can anyone I talk to on the phone hear me through that braying? It sucks because I like to talk on the phone in the car, it's my only chance sometimes.

My first daughter is driving me mad. When Joseph was her age, he was nutty but he has autism and some of the things that he did can be explained by that. But she is nutty too! She is like a walking, climbing, RUNNING baby! She has no sense at all and she is MAD all of the time, practically. She wakes up way too early and is completely lunatic by 8:00 a.m. It's so depressing, I don't want to put her down for a nap, she's closer to 2 than 1 and I would like her to just take one nap a day but I have to put her down, if only to not be with her.

My baby girl is ... getting older and better. She is never fussy anymore unless she's tired. She still likes to be held, mostly, but I am trying to just put her down in different places. Our house is insane with the seats, exersaucer, baby gym, blankets, etc. I can't ever put her in anything on the floor because then Kathleen can get to her so it's crazy looking around here. She's sleeping okay, napping crappily, and being super cute to make up for all of it. She is my favorite right now.

My parents are ... headed to their retirement village for the winter this week. It is great to have them here because my mom babysits a lot but man. They're crazy. I always, always feel so set up by my mom. Todd took the two older ones to his mom's this Saturday and my mom asked me specifically how Joseph had done in the car and I said 'man is he noisy! I could hardly ever hear Todd, he was so noisy". I could hear her IMMEDIATELY pooh pooh it. She wants it to be that it's not so bad, that it's just like everyone else, but it's not. He has autism and one of his stims is that he brays like an animal, really loudly. It's NOT the same as a 'typical' four year old talking or asking questions, or even singing. I'm ... well, not fine with it, but I'm accepting of it and I wish she would be. I cannot stand it when people downplay what others are going through so that it makes THEM feel better. Last week, my mom and dad were here and she asked me how I liked my haircut. I said, oh it's fine, but it's too short, I have to dry it and straighten it or else I look like Ronald McDonald. IMMEDIATELY the two of them were on me, "Oh, it looks FINE! It's not CURLY! It looks GREAT!" I stuttered along - well, the thing is, it only looks like this because I had to spend so much time on it, when it was long, I could just put it up and ... you know what? Never mind. They are insane and probably just like everyone else's parents.

I am.... afraid I'm not going to make it some days. I've been not eating sweets during the week for several weeks now. I have broken my ice cream addiction, I think. I was working out well but I've stalled, since I had a cold last week and I don't sleep enough. I'm too tired for mean old Jillian Michaels half the time. Lucy is sleeping well but she is still up once in the night and that means I rarely get four hours in a row. I'm tense enough and well rested enough that it takes me a while to fall back to sleep after I'm done feeding her and God forbid Todd is snoring, then I'm really screwed. But it's better, it's better with Joseph in school, it's better that Lucy is getting older. Nothing aboutg Kathleen is better, really, but she's only getting older and that in itself will be good. I hope!

Random

Some things I have been thinking about:

• weight loss. Yawn. I know. I am always thinking about it. I have been working out well the last few weeks (largely because it comforts Lucy to move around so I put her in the carrier and workout. Then I've worked out AND I have a sleeping/non screaming baby). I cannot seem to stop eating ice cream. Because my life is so HARD, see? That's why I have to eat the ice cream! Waah! I have recently made some sugar free snacks and am hoping I can start to do better on the feeling sorry for myself ice cream thing. I have a lot of clothes in my old size and I want to wear them.
  
• Lucy. Colicky! Three kids, all fussy! The hell? I have also decided to stop worrying about WHY ME and just wait out the next four weeks or so. I am better at dealing with them now, I try to concentrate on that. She is gorgeous though and I feel sweet about her because I really think she will be my last.
• NFP. We are going to try to not have more kids. We have serious reasons for not wanting to - we have no room, Joseph's future is ... murky, I'm old, etc., etc. I got a book on postpartum NFP so hopefully I'll be able to figure it out.
  
• Todd. I think marriage is so weird. I love him more than anything and appreciate him so much, especially when I think of who some of my friends are married to. But my GOD do I get mad at him!
  
• Sleep. I haven't had any. Twice I've had four hours in a row. In nine weeks. Ugh.
  
• Help. I have someone coming in this week for the next few weeks, until Joseph starts school. I am going crazy alone, I hope it doesn't make me crazier to have someone here.
• My Mom. I had to tell her that she can't come over here anymore to 'help' me if she is just going to question everything I do with my kids. It went ... okay. She is still tempted, I can tell, but it's better.
  
• Resentment. I resent having to mother my kids AND my mother AND my husband.
• My MIL. Asked Todd if them coming to visit added to our stress. Ha ha ha! He said everything adds to our stress, it's just LIKE that in a house with a newborn and also maybe she could give us a little more notice when she comes to visit. She loves to call on Saturday and say "should I come up today or tomorrow?" It's very annoying. So he told her, and I told HIM, I would have added, maybe don't bring sodas from whatever fast food place you stopped on the way up without offering to get us some thing? Or maybe EVER bring anything, even ONE TIME, to our house? Or maybe HELP us, sometime? Whatever, just some ideas I had. You dope.
• I guess that's it. Lucy is coming up on 10 weeks and I am hopeful things calm the hell down.
  

Home

I'm home with my new girl, Lucy. She is adorable. ZOMG. A-dorable. We had a SCARE because her lungs were all FULL and she wasn't getting enough OXYGEN SATURATION or something but she is fine now, thank God. She was in the nursery and out of my arms for the first 24 hours of her life, which was hard but I was happy that she was getting the care she needed and also it is the most rest I've gotten in years. The nurses in the constant care nursery where she was were angels and amazing and also? She was the biggest baby in there so Todd and I felt guilty and conspicuous.

But we came home today and despite some misunderstandings with my MIL about how many people we wanted greeting us when we came home, all is well. It was the first time I was away from Kathleen and I've been away from Joseph but the older it gets the harder it gets because he doesn't understand, really, where I am or when I'm coming back so he just gets sadder and sadder every time Todd comes home without me. I had to not think about it too much in the hospital. Of course, all is forgiven now and we are back to normal, practically - the new normal, that is. I'm sure she's going to be up all night - she has slept SO much today, but what can you do? Todd is home for a few weeks and I am going to try to enjoy it, or appreciate it, or something.

Despite not being with me for the first day, she is breastfeeding well and I am so grateful that I am almost enjoying it. She is teeny, one pound lighter than the other two, which doesn't seem like much but it is. She is also stirring so I better run but I wanted to record it. We're home withTHREE kids now and ... I'm scared but also hopeful. I have to get good at this sometime right? Please? :)

Days Away

So we are days away from meeting our third baby. Some observations about this pregnancy:

• I cannot get over how many people have asked me or Todd if we are having more kids. Like, I'll run into someone that I haven't seen for a while and we'll be talking about them, or me, or catching up. They might say "when are you due?" and I'll say "May" and they'll say "are you guys having more?" It always takes me aback, - I mean - it always surprises me when people ask me, but ESPECIALLY when I am hugely pregnant! I want to say, well we can't have sex for six weeks after, so not ... RIGHT away. Sheesh. Last night Todd went to pick up carryout for dinner (I can't cook when I am this large - ugh) and he mentioned to the bartender that once his super pregnant was up and about we'd have to come in to try this beer that they had. Some other guy was at the bar, and asked Todd if this was our first and he said no, our third...under three. The guy told Todd, "you need to get SNIPPED". A stranger! In a bar! Are you EFFING kidding me?
• I feel bigger than ever this time, but my doctor says she thinks this will be my smallest baby yet. We'll see. I think maybe I just feel so big because I keep forgetting what the end is like. You're at the END for such a short period of time, maybe it's just not what stays with me? I keep losing weight, or staying the same, ever since I've been like 30 weeks or something. This is from the diabetes diet, I guess, although this week I just don't feel like eating much.
  
• Joseph and Kathleen are losing their damned minds - neither of them really understand what is happening, but both of them know something is up. This will be my first time away from Kathleen overnight and it will be for THREE overnights! I am nervous but trying not to project it on her. My parents are staying here and then my MIL (and many, many others, I'm sure) are going to come up and stay one night.
  
• I wish I could go one day early. If I did, just my parents would have to stay and not my MIL. I don't really mind her coming up and staying, of course, I mean, I appreciate it but I hate the thought of the big damned parade through my house while I'm not here. I know I am a control freak and a weirdo.
  
• The other day I mentioned on FB that I was going to think about all the things I had to do this week and all these people commented that I should just LIE DOWN! I was having a BABY, what else was there to do? I have no idea what people think about my life but man. I have to do the laundry, the diapers, change the sheets on the bed that my parents will be sleeping on, right? These are things that won't keep. People are crazy!
• At first, when I first learned I was pregnant, I was so worried about this baby. I was worried it would be a boy and if it was a boy he would be autistic, like Joseph. I was worried that Joseph and Kathleen would be all freaked out when I stay away for three nights and then bring home some BABY. Worry worry worry. Now I am so eager to meet this baby, who I have seen more in ultrasound than any other baby (it seems like they all do 4D now), I don't care! I don't care if he's a he or a she or has three arms! I am so hopeful and optimistic and I just can't wait. I know I'm really crazy, because I am even looking forward to breastfeeding, which I mostly hate. I feel ... joyous? Drunk with possibility? It's a good feeling, even if it will be dashed - for now, I'm just living it.
  

Mommie Dearest

Oh, my mother. I could go on and on. And I will! :) Our relationship has really shifted, as has everything else in my damned life, in the last five years since I got married and started having kids. Also, our relationship has gotten kind of weird in the last two years or so, since she and my Dad started going to Florida for half of the year. They are SO WEIRD about it. They are almost 70, and maybe this happens to everyone's parents but man. My Dad has always been a quiet person and my mom the gregarious one. NOW, in Florida, my Dad is like this crazy ass golfer, who plays with strangers and goes for walks with his best friend, this guy he used to work with. It's bizarre. My mom is busy busy busy, too, she takes swim classes and plays mahjong and - ugh - it's endless. She, like, never calls me, rather she emails me this BULLSHIT political claptrap and chicken soup for the soul and just - ugh - those cannot count as correspondence!

When she is in town, we talk quite a bit. I will never EVER forget how she used to come over when Joseph was a baby and would scream for hours and hours and hours. I would just call at like 11:00 at night or something and not even say anything and she'd say "Hello? I'll be right there". And she'd show up ten minutes later and take that baby and hold him and let me sleep. One night she sat in a chair holding him from 11:30 til 5:00 the next morning, it was the most sleep I had gotten in months. I will never forget it or be able to repay her for it.

BUT she still drives me mad! She has always been a kook, way too involved in my life, way too opinionated about everything, never having any respect for my decisions, etc. But now that she is a Floridian, it seems like she doesn't care at all about me or what happens and it's so much harder to take than her being overinvolved. I had no idea it would feel like this, but it's very hurtful.

When she is home, she watches the kids whenever I want, at least one night a week and it is beyond helpful. BUT she is always late. ALWAYS. She used to come over to 'help' in the afternoons, and more than half the time, she'd fall asleep on the couch. This is not helpful!

Ugh. Her mom died when she was young and my sister and I have discussed the fact that our mom seems to not know how to be a mom to adult daughters. Also, she and my Dad seem to have this "we raised our kids, now we just want to bask in the sun and be left alone" attitude, which is FINE, I mean, I agree, they did work hard and they were excellent parents and I am glad they can enjoy their retirement but man. I feel like I get the short end of the stick because I had kids later than my brothers.

Also? She leaves ridiculous messages on my voice mail, when she calls. I call her all the time and her cell phone is turned off - because she is charging it. I have told her endless times, she does NOT have to turn off her phone to charge it, but my Dad has told her that she has to (not that he knows anything) and so she does. She'll leave it off all day or until I track her down on my Dad's phone or something. Then she'll call me, at dinner time or bed time or some time when everyone in my world knows is not a good time to call and she'll leave just this on the message, in a VERY strident tone:

"TRYING TO REACH YOU AGAIN! I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN LATER. SIGH. SIGH".

And I think who would answer that message? You can't even use a full sentence on your message? STOP calling me at bedtime! Grrr.

We have had major issues about Joseph and the fact that he is autistic. My mom is a sucker and wants to get in to all these REASONS that he could be autistic. She thinks VACCINES are the cause and that JENNY MCCARTHY is a DOCTOR or something. Ugh. She sends me one million links from World Net Daily, with this NONSENSE about how (and I am not kidding) soy milk can make young boys gay. I mean - really? What am I supposed to do with that information? Every link she sends takes me to some website that has like 100 fonts with blinking text and all this nonsense.

So. Clearly I have major issues with my Mommy but she is coming back soon and I can't wait. I always have high hopes that we won't argue about things, that it will all go well, and then it all falls apart about 20 minutes into every visit. You could almost set your watch by it.

On Husbands

God I am so mad lately at my husband. Ninety five percent of the time, he is FINE, he is more than fine, he is PERFECT. He is unselfish and patient, with both me and the kids, he does way more than his fair share around here, he is perfect. But the things that make up the other five percent of him seem to make me the craziest when I am pregnant or crazy, or both. Like now.

I am having a hard time of it here lately, I admit it. Last night he shut the door on my foot, which he is sort of likely to do - he is kind of unaware of the people around him and can be clumsy. I didn't care, really, but then he didn't say one thing! Not I'm sorry, or piss off, or get your big foot out of the way, NOTHING. So I said hey, you shut the door on my foot and he said I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you. Isn't that weird? Not to just say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you? What the hell is that?

Then this morning I am upset. I slept badly, largely because of that effed up apology last night, and also because I can't sleep on my back, side, side, or belly, and I am grumpy this morning. I am TRYING to get over it but I do not look forward to any day here lately - Kathleen is very grumpy and has to go down for her first, teensy, short nap by like 8:30, leaving me no time to do anything except get dressed, Joseph is crazier than ever, I'm tired and short tempered, etc. I said how I was going to have to reschedule my next OB appointment, because of Todd's work schedule, I would have to take the kids with me and I just can't. They are just not the kind of kids I can take to a doctor's appoitntment. I don't have any babysitter options, it's the middle of the day, etc., etc. Todd asked me if there was a way that I could make it for Friday of that week, because he was planning on taking that day off anyway.

Now. I asked him about this yesterday, I said that I made the appointment for a time that I couldn't go and I was concerned about it. He told me that he was unable to leave work that day. Did he mention that he PLANNED to take off a whole day that week? No! Why, I asked him, do you squirrel away information like that? That is the week of Joseph's school break so I am already miserable about it, it would mean a lot to me if he could be home with me. WHY wouldn't you tell me that? He said he just thought of it. I said you just now, just this morning, thought of it? Well no, he said, he thought of it yesterday but then he forgot to tell me.

How I hate people who think "I forgot" means that that automatically makes it okay, somehow. To me, "I forgot" is just shorthand for "I don't care enough to tell you". I forgot? Do I forget to change the kids diapers? To feed them? To go get them when they are crying? I FORGOT? What does that mean?

Then he got very UPSET. He got sort of very sad and emotional. I can't help but think on some level that this is manipulative. He does it a lot - if I have a sore back, he has a sore back AND NECK. If I get a cold, he gets a cold and a VERY SORE THROAT. If I'm tired, he's EXHAUSTED. GOD. I can't believe that I am having my third baby here soon and also taking care of this 40 year old baby, too.

I am hoping this is just pregnancy madness. The bad thing about pregnancy madness, for me, is that it feels really real.

Hot Button Issues

Is this a theme? C1 talked about her hot button issues and I commented but I thought I'd write about mine here, why not.

I get very annoyed by many, many things, and I am trying to be better about it. Last night I had to go to the drugstore because I needed soda and just ... crap and it was Sunday night and I figured the drugstore would be my best bet. We live in the city so there is not a Target or good grocery store right nearby. It was kind of horrible at the drugstore, it was packed and they didn't have a lot of the things I wanted. I have the gestational diabetes again with this baby - or I should say I was very very borderline on the one hour test and I opted not to take the three hour - I don't see the point of going in and wasting three hours when I could just test at home and eat right and exercise. The nurse at my ob's office seemed sort of shocked about this but seriously? I do not have three hours and it's not like I'm going to be doing anything I shouldn't be doing anyway, eschewing dessert and white food and being sure to exercise a bit every day. So anyway. I wanted sugar free antacids and they had none. I wanted diet and caffeine free soda and they had NONE. NONE. There were crazy people on line, talking and talking to me and carrying in food that they found on the street and running out of money, etc., etc. and I was just over it. I was telling Todd about it when I got home and he said well, they're not going to change, so maybe you should, to be happier. Which is good advice. Annoying but good.

SO. I'm trying not to get mad at people for things they can't control, or for things that *I* deem annoying but are not to everyone. I know I can be a bitch and I'm tired and stressed out most of the time so I have to take myself with a grain of salt.

BUT I have had it with my MIL. Yesterday she was going to come up and see the kids. She had called the previous Saturday for Sunday and we already had plans. So she asked if she could come over THIS Sunday and she called on Thursday to confirm. I think it shocked her to the core that we could have made plans and she couldn't just swoop in like normal. Anyway, she called Saturday night but didn't leave a message so Todd called her yesterday to be sure everything is okay and she wanted to know if she could bring our nephew, who was DYING to see the kids (ha ha, he never even looks at the kids, he just uses our computer or texts the whole time he's here and I don't blame him - he is 16). Anyway, he had a friend with him so could he bring him too? So Todd said no, this comes up EVERY TIME. We have kind of a small house, it's a row house and it's like basically two rooms downstairs. Joseph can be kind of strange with new people, including my MIL, who is new every time she comes. WHY would I want to put him in a situation where he's uncomfortable? Or, and this is probably an unfounded fear, but I don't know this teenage boy at all, what if he was to make fun of Joseph? Or find it amusing how Joseph self-stims? I just am not up to it. Also, if you want to come and see the kids, COME AND SEE THE KIDS. Every single time there is some sort of extra thing involved. This is why I am never having my MIL stay over anymore - every time she does, like if we wanted to stay out overnight, or do something late, or something, she brings EVERYONE she knows, it feels like. Last time her husband couldn't come because he was working on a Saturday, so he came up here at 7:30 Sunday morning. SEVEN THIRTY. No one seems to think it's weird but me.

Todd definitely tells her that she can't bring strangers to the house but he doesn't like to. Plus she knows it's me that's saying no, and yesterday she barely spoke to me. Sigh. I do not know what to do about it. Todd doesn't like to say no to people, he says, as if - I mean, who does? Who LIKES confrontation and making people unhappy? Nobody. I am just willing to do it for the greater good and he's not. Anyway. That is frustrating to me and, I think, at the core of my issue with people not recognizing that our life is different because Joseph has autism. It's not BAD, I'm not JUDGING it, but I just want to call a freaking spade a spade and say we have to consider what is going to happen a little more than someone with a typical child.

God I am really babbling here so I'll stop. Hot button indeed!

The internet

Sheesh. I am so mad at people on the internet all of a sudden. I was innocently looking at pamie dot com and here's this old cow again:

Now look - I really don't care what some allegedly funny lady in LA thinks about me as a stay at home mother. BUT I do care about what some dumbbell thinks about ALL women who stay at home to take care of their kids instead of working outside the home and sending them to daycare (or "school" as some of my friends call it, the place where they send their six month old. Whatever). I mean, what did we go to school for? Why do well in school? GOD. I have many things I would like to say to this asshole:

1.) I went to school and got a Bachelor's degree and then I worked for several years. I also worked while I went to school. THEN I got my Master's degree while working full time and then I worked for some more years. THEN I got married, after having worked full time, post college, for like 14 years! THEN I got pregnant and had a baby and my husband and I decided that the best CHOICE for our family would be for me to stay home and take care of the child(ren). My husband, who also has a graduate degree, made about twice what I did, so he got to keep going to work. I assume I'll work again. I think I'll work as long as my friend James, who is a police officer and is going to retire after 25 years.

2.) I consider it to be a HUGE sacrifice to stay home with my kids. It's not the kind of sacrifice where I tell them all day, every day, what kind of sacrifice I'm making, and how hard I'm working, and how AWESOME I am for doing it, but it's the kind of sacrifice where I feel like maybe someday it will be worth it for me to stay home with them. I consider it the right thing to do, for my family.

3). I always stayed home, and it's worked out well for me since I have a son with autism. I have several friends, though, who worked at first and then because their kids were diagnosed with autism, they had to leave their job and start staying home with their kids because they weren't able to stay in the daycare that their parents had chosen for them. Would you ask THEM why THEY went to school? Why they BOTHERED to do well in school if all they were going to do is stay home? You ASSHOLE?

4.) I wonder if this woman considers herself to be such a contributing member of society that she can talk to a whole bunch of women like they're idiots? Is she a writer? A comedy writer? A writer of a sitcom? She writes the funny words that actors say? And this is some kind of major contribution to our world, one that should be compared favorably to raising children? Taking care of other human beings?

5.) I truly feel like my education has helped me do better in my job, the job of staying at home with my children. It has definitely helped me with my autistic son, although sometimes I wish I had gotten a degree in occupational therapy. It's also helped me think about things in a different way - to realize that there are all kinds of people in the world, and not one thing is going to work for everyone. I wonder what Niya's education has taught her - certainly not that.

Also, I was reading Sundry (again) and she talked about some woman that writes comics about attachment parenting? Or something? The woman was all mad about receiving formula samples in the mail and also about letting a baby cry it out. There were lots of comments, mostly talking about how it's not really offensive to receive a sample in the mail. But there was one about breastfeeding in public and why do some WOMEN have to be so OBVIOUS about it? And I thought what the hell, commenter? I always get scared about comments like that because my sweet Joseph was a really rough nurser and constantly swatting the blanket away and popping off and then rolling away from me so I sometimes had to decide between covering up well or catching the baby and I chose (obviously) to catch the baby. So then I think when some asshole complains about women being so OBVIOUS about it are they talking about me? Or someone like me? Doesn't even matter who they're talking about? Isn't the point of coming a long way (baby) that we don't have to explain this shit, constantly, time after fucking time? Yes, I choose to stay home with my kids, yes, I breastfeed, yes I formula feed, yes, I work outside the home, yes my kid sometimes CRIES. Are you kidding me? Who are these people?

Also, on my other blog, some guy posted a super mean comment about how I was coddling Joseph because I didn't like the way he was roughly handled by some clerk at the playplace we went to. He said that his two year old daughter could take getting a hand stamp, what was the problem with Precious that he couldnt' take it? I mean - really? I have to assume he just thought he was a 'normal' three year old, and didn't read that he was autistic but man. Even if he did think that? It seems kind of rough on a regular three year old to.

So. Newsflash - people can be jerks.

Changing

I was reading on Sundry's blog about the question of parenting changing you. Is there anything left of YOU, as a person, once you have kids? I have been thinking about it a lot because I really think the answer is hell no, and hell yes, both.

Everyone I know knows that I have not taken to motherhood well. But I think it's just my expectations, as usual, that needed to be managed before I had kids. I was just so surprised! by everything!

I still can't believe that my MIL thought that she was going to be in the room for the birth of my children. I still can't believe that she thought NOTHING of pressing on my stomach whenever she saw me after she knew that I was pregnant, even when I was like 10 weeks!

I can't believe how one (former) friend went ON and ON about how WONDERFUL it was and how much SHE LOVED having an infant and it was so beautiful and great and amazing and her baby slept all night at 3 weeks and it was so awesomely awesome in response to me saying "he never sleeps and he screams all the time. I don't know what to do".

I can't believe how tired I have been for almost four years.

I can't believe that I could get so mad at Todd for sleeping. Or having to go to the bathroom. Or having a job.

I can't believe how often I can cry.

I can't believe anyone thinks that because of the above, that I don't love my kids. It makes me insane(r) when people say "it's all worth it". I ESPECIALLY hate it when someone who is not the parent of the child says it. God. Of course I love them. That's part of the problem! Like - Joseph thinks nothing of whacking me in the face, and Kathleen thinks part of climbing up on me is to pinch my breasts or whatever she can grab onto in order to stand. Then I'm being hit in the face! And I think who the HELL is hitting me? Why am I being attacked? But I'm not being attacked, I'm being HELPFUL. I'm being a MOTHER. In order to be a mother, sometimes you have to get hit in the face or get pinched. I am still wrestling with this one.

I know two women that I think are bad mothers. One is the mother of my niece and one is the mother of my friend's stepson. By 'bad mother' I mean, like, bad. Like - I don't mean they don't use cloth diapers and they take their kids to McDonald's, I mean, I think that they are not preparing their children for life, and I think sometimes they are actually putting their children in danger. I have heard these women, on multiple occasions, say what GREAT mothers they are. AWESOME mothers! My friend who has the stepson and I talk about it - like WHO THE HELL sits around saying "I am an AWESOME mom!" It is my anecdotal conclusion, therefore, that good mothers don't talk about what good mothers they are. It's my only hope that I might be a good mother - or have the potential of being a good mother - someday.

Whenever we take Joseph for an autism thing - like an IEP, or an evaluation or something, the teachers/professionals/whoever are always going ON and ON about how GREAT we are doing! "You're doing great mom!" they'll say to me, having met me 30 minutes before. I think really? You think I'm doing great? It feels good and then I feel immediately like a phony. I think if they really knew me, or if they could spend a day watching me mother this boy that I barely understand, or if they (GOD FORBID) knew what I was thinking, they would know that I'm not doing great and that I am barely getting by, some days. So I wonder - are they just saying it? Or do they usually deal with such yahoos that by comparison, Todd and I seem great?

The last thing I'm thinking about whether or not you change or lose yourself or whatever when you're a parent is that sometimes people think they can comment on something like this because they are a parent. They think they (and I include myself in this) have earned the right to have an opinion about other parent's lives because they have kids. They scoff at people who DON'T have kids having an opinion about it. But the thing is, you really can't judge anyone until you have been THEM with THEIR kids. I know that sometimes people might see me on a rare jaunt to the grocery store with both kids. The other day we had an emergency and had to go get some crackers for Joseph (he has a limited list of foods that he will eat). There I was, all pregnant and crazed, with two kids in the cart, and I opened the box so that I could give Joseph some right there in the store. Then I had to give Kathleen some, too, to keep things equal. I KNOW that if I had seen me and didn't know anything, I would think 'look at that mother, coddling that giant boy, he must be really spoiled'. And I would have been SO wrong - he is not spoiled, he's not! He's autistic and he struggles with a lot of communication issues. So if he says "cracker" to me, I like to be able to give him what he wants and reward him for speaking, so that maybe he'll do more of it. But no one could know that in the grocery store. So my conclusion THERE is that you can't judge anyone's parenting, ever, even if you are a parent. Unless you are THEM with THEIR children, thoughts off!

Some Days

Some days are really bad. Some days, I told my husband before on the phone, I feel like it's a race to see what is going to happen first. Will the weather get better? So that we can go outside and maybe breathe some fresh air that doesn't freeze our lungs on contact? Will I ever not have a cold again and maybe be able to breathe and/or sleep before I have this baby in May and am unable to sleep? Or will I go crazy and end up in jail and hell because I've lost my mind and walked out on the kids or something?

Some days I don't know what's going to happen first. Some days Kathleen wakes up SO early and SO angry and then she doesn't nap. Some days Joseph brays like an animal all day, he's super frantic and sad himself. Some days as soon as I try to salvage the sleep day for Kathleen and put her up for her afternoon nap, Joseph stands at the bottom of the stairs (or worse, outside of her door) and brays and brays - wordless, senseless noise.

I pray and pray. I pray that it gets better. I pray that he will SHUT the F up for just an hour so she can get some rest. And then I hear her crying. Some days.

Some days I think no one understands - no one understands what it's like to be a stay at home mother, just a normal one, let alone one like me, one who can't go anywhere because she can't control her kids, I can't chase the brayer and the tired one.

Some days I feel really, REALLY pregnant. I am finding that it is much harder to be six months pregnant with a one year old than with a two year old.

Some days I feel 90 years old. Some days I think I can't do it. I hope tomorrow isn't one of those days. I hope the weather gets better. I hope and hope and hope.

One Word Meme

Where is your cell phone? table

Your significant other? everything

Your hair? needy

Your mother? um

Your father? advising

Your favorite thing? sleep

Your dream last night? forgotten

Your favorite drink? martini

Your dream/goal? thin

What room are you in? kitchen

Your hobby? reading

Your fear? future

Where do you want to be in six years? finished

Where were you last night? home

Something that you aren't? rested

Muffins? yummy

Wish list item? nanny

Last thing you did? I.T.

What are you wearing? maternity

TV? necessity

Your pets? no

Friends? thankful

Your life? crazymaking

Your mood? dire

Missing someone? me

Drinking? nope

Smoking? nope

Your car? new

Something you're not wearing? socks

Your favorite store? Target

Your favorite color? blue

When is the last time you cried? already

Who will resend this? unknown

Where do you go to over and over? school

Five people who email me regularly? friends

My favorite place to eat? out

Favorite place I'd like to be right now? hotel

Four people I think will respond? unknown