God I am so mad lately at my husband. Ninety five percent of the time, he is FINE, he is more than fine, he is PERFECT. He is unselfish and patient, with both me and the kids, he does way more than his fair share around here, he is perfect. But the things that make up the other five percent of him seem to make me the craziest when I am pregnant or crazy, or both. Like now.
I am having a hard time of it here lately, I admit it. Last night he shut the door on my foot, which he is sort of likely to do - he is kind of unaware of the people around him and can be clumsy. I didn't care, really, but then he didn't say one thing! Not I'm sorry, or piss off, or get your big foot out of the way, NOTHING. So I said hey, you shut the door on my foot and he said I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you. Isn't that weird? Not to just say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you? What the hell is that?
Then this morning I am upset. I slept badly, largely because of that effed up apology last night, and also because I can't sleep on my back, side, side, or belly, and I am grumpy this morning. I am TRYING to get over it but I do not look forward to any day here lately - Kathleen is very grumpy and has to go down for her first, teensy, short nap by like 8:30, leaving me no time to do anything except get dressed, Joseph is crazier than ever, I'm tired and short tempered, etc. I said how I was going to have to reschedule my next OB appointment, because of Todd's work schedule, I would have to take the kids with me and I just can't. They are just not the kind of kids I can take to a doctor's appoitntment. I don't have any babysitter options, it's the middle of the day, etc., etc. Todd asked me if there was a way that I could make it for Friday of that week, because he was planning on taking that day off anyway.
Now. I asked him about this yesterday, I said that I made the appointment for a time that I couldn't go and I was concerned about it. He told me that he was unable to leave work that day. Did he mention that he PLANNED to take off a whole day that week? No! Why, I asked him, do you squirrel away information like that? That is the week of Joseph's school break so I am already miserable about it, it would mean a lot to me if he could be home with me. WHY wouldn't you tell me that? He said he just thought of it. I said you just now, just this morning, thought of it? Well no, he said, he thought of it yesterday but then he forgot to tell me.
How I hate people who think "I forgot" means that that automatically makes it okay, somehow. To me, "I forgot" is just shorthand for "I don't care enough to tell you". I forgot? Do I forget to change the kids diapers? To feed them? To go get them when they are crying? I FORGOT? What does that mean?
Then he got very UPSET. He got sort of very sad and emotional. I can't help but think on some level that this is manipulative. He does it a lot - if I have a sore back, he has a sore back AND NECK. If I get a cold, he gets a cold and a VERY SORE THROAT. If I'm tired, he's EXHAUSTED. GOD. I can't believe that I am having my third baby here soon and also taking care of this 40 year old baby, too.
I am hoping this is just pregnancy madness. The bad thing about pregnancy madness, for me, is that it feels really real.