Sunday, April 10, 2011


Today my husband took the three kids out for the morning so I could have some time to myself. He had to go to church first so I had to get up at the normal time and then get everybody ready and then they left. I went to church and then to run some errands and then I went home and lay on the couch, trying to 'relax' and maybe to 'nap', although it didn't go well.

I feel a lot of pressure when gifts like this are given to me, to appreciate them in some immediate way, and I fail to appreciate them. I mean, I was glad to have some time alone. Usually I go to church and I'm fretting the whole time, worried that Joseph is having tantrums, that the girls are being difficult, basically that it's going like it goes for me whenever I am alone with the three of them. But - it's hard to appreciate it and just be all better. I feel really sad and hormonal and worried a lot of the time. I don't sleep well, my hands keep falling asleep in the night and I always have to pee, blah blah blah first trimester woes, and then I wake up so SAD, like so dejected and depressed. It takes me a while to shake off the night.

I hate Sundays, I want a break, I want things to be easier. I have been bitching about the weather being so cold and today it's like 85. What in the what? 85? Where is spring? It was like 40 for a high last week and now it's almost 90? I KNOW I complained about winter, I KNOW it was hard to have an ice storm that lasted a month, but man. I'm sorry! Can it just not be summer right away? I'm not even that pregnant and I'm already dreading the actual summer, sheesh.

This is a real bitchfest, huh? I don't mean it to be, I hate to sound so - to BE so unhappy. But that's just how it is right now. It is very difficult for me to not be sad when my son is so sad. I know it will get better, I tell HIM all the time it will get better, but when? WHEN? I try to think of others, I try to think of the Japanese, about mothers in third world countries who have to really worry about their children. I try to count my blessings but mostly I just want to lie on the couch and watch tv and feel sorry for myself.

Tomorrow I am going to exercise in the morning. I am hoping that if I start to do something different in my life, maybe my life will be different? We shall see.

In baby news, all is well. I'm seeing the doctor for my monthly checkup this week, so that should be fun. I still can't think of a name that I like. Lucky for me I have plenty of time.

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