Friday, February 29, 2008

Things I Used to Think

I used to think that breastfed babies didn't get colic.

I used to think that Joseph wasn't autistic, because he wasn't a good baby and I thought autistic children weren't bad babies.

I used to think that I would never have to worry as much about my kids once they were born.

I used to think I worked hard, at my old job.

I used to think I had been tired, that I knew what it was like.

I used to think I knew about conflicting emotions.

BUT:

Joseph was breastfed and the colickiest person ever known to man.

He was a rough newborn, and I think he is autistic.

I worry so much about him that it is making me sick. Everything takes so long - we had his first evaluation like a month ago and now we have to wait two more weeks to start therapy because of paperwork and nonsense. It feels like it makes this winter even longer.

I have never worked so hard at a job in my life as I have being a SAHM. By the end of the day, I am worn down to a nub, I've been crying at least once during the day, my breasts are sore from nursing a lot, my back is sore from rocking the baby, and I am deeply ashamed of myself for saying and thinking horrible things about my two year old.

I love these children, of course. I love Joseph. But I get so mad and dejected and horrified and angry in one day, I just can't believe it. Todd comes home and I just want to RUN out the door. Not just some days, not just on 'bad' days, but every day. I love them all but I want to leave them, too.

I used to be so stupid. I don't feel smart now, just older. Like WAY older. Like OLDE.

2 comments:

Farrell said...

I think those feelings are normal given the circumstances. I am on the anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication Effexor, and it has helped me tremendously.

Constance the 20th said...

I shed a lot of tears in the year between suspecting my guy was autistic and getting the diagnosis. It's really stressful. Hang in there.