TIRED

Sisters, I are tired. I remember a post from Dooce - here I'll link it - well I can't find it and the point is that it's hard to be so tired when you have a newborn but you have to suck it up and just ... embrace it, kind of. Last night we went upstairs around 8:00 and watched The Amazing Race, then put Kathleen down and she slept from like 9:00 to 11:30 in her bassinet. This is always the best sleep of the night. Then Todd went to the guest room and I fed the baby. Then I tried to lay her down about 10 times and she never would go to sleep. So I finally got up and got her and sat in the chair with her and she slept and I nodded off now and again. This went on until 4:00 and then Todd came in and said "you should have come to get me!" and I think "why?" Why should I come to get you, so I can sleep for 45 minutes and then you can bring her to me and say she needs to eat? Eh. It doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather have him sleep and then be okay in the day so I can take a nap if I need to.

My friend M came over last night and I told her that no matter how bad it's gotten with Joseph - if he's had a bad day, not napped, etc., I at least know it will be over by 7:00 - he'll go to bed and go to sleep and not come out of his room until 7:00 the next morning. But now - even if he goes to bed early (and he does since he is not napping anymore) the second part of my day - the night part of my day - is just beginning. It is so weird, it used to feel endless when Joseph was a baby but now it's like a whole new level. How in the hell do people do this with twins? HOW?

My mom told me going from one to two kids was the hardest and she had four. I can understand that.

My MIL is coming over today - she called yesterday. Sigh. My friend C wanted to come over, my friend L was going to come over and my friend R is coming over to drop off dinner and visit. The f? We have been home for a week and nobody - NOBODY - came to see us, except my sister. Now in one day 10 people want to come. It feels so hard - I am lonely and want to see people, but I don't want to have to clean my house for them to come over. And I only want the exact right people to come over (read - not my MIL and the whole Hee Haw Gang, including our niece, who is "dying to see the baby!" but I am telling you will freaking text message the WHOLE time she is here and never even look at that freaking baby) and I want them to stay the exact right amount of time. I want help but I don't want to ask for it. I want Todd and everyone else to just KNOW what I want and stop asking me! He is a sweet man, and said to me this morning (after a slight breakdown of mine) "even if it sounds silly, just ask me, ask me to do anything and I'll do it". I said "can you breastfeed that baby?" NO. Damn it, NO.

So I feel crazy and tired and am eating like a crazed lunatic. I made cookies the other day and then ate a LOT of them. Thank God they're gone. I was unreasonably mad today when I realized the Pop Tarts were gone. I forget how hungry and thirsty you get, breastfeeding.

Kathleen is sleeping and has been for ... oh an hour or so now. She was so fussy before, and I was shhhing her and patting her and rocking her and doing knee bends and thinking "I will lose my effing mind if I have to do this for four months like I did with Joseph". I would hear "shhhh" in my sleep, I would say it upon waking! My boobs are so sore but I have to hold her straight across them to rock her just like she likes.

And over all of this, all these crazy tired thoughts, I think "you ungrateful bitch, you wanted a healthy baby and that's what you got. You have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband who is home for six weeks, WHAT are you complaining about?" And then I answer, "Everything". Oy.