Today is your birthday! Today is my little baby's birthday. It just ... until that baby is born it's so hard for me to believe it. When I was pregnant with Joseph I never could picture him. I thought so, so much about the pregnancy, and worried SO much about the pregnancy that I never thought about the actual caring and feeding of the baby. Then he when he was born and he was so bad (I know - I know it's wrong to call your baby bad and I am a terrible mother and person but trust me - he was BAD), I couldn't stop thinking about it. I have been trying to balance it out more this time, worry an appropriate amount about the pregnancy, but today it's all kerflooey.
It's early - Todd woke me up so I could eat. I have to eat by 6:00 and now, not again, until God knows when. Maybe tomorrow? I had leftover lasagna, a roll, a pop tart and a go-tart. And milk. And now I'm finished eating.
My surgery is at 2:00, which BLOWS. It's also on a Friday which BLOWS. Joseph was born on a Friday, too, so I like that, but I hate staying in the hospital on the weekend. I mean no offense to anyone that works in a hospital on the weekend, but in my last experience it seemed that the meanest nurses ever work on the weekend. But my doctor's OR day is Friday, so here I am.
Well. I am terrified but plucky. I am going to think positively that everything will be okay. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday who just had a baby, and she had a LOT of complications and so she had a lot of amnios, and so she knew her baby's sex really early on, and knew when her lungs were ready, etc. I have never even had the triple screen, I kind of don't believe in them for me, except ... today? Today I believe in it all, I wish I had a freaking crystal ball and could just SEE the baby and know everything is okay. Through maybe ... 2036? 2050?
Ha - I was just thinking about high stress things. Like the list of the high stressors? Getting married, starting a new job, moving? I was thinking with this new blog, I'm having a baby, which is just like starting a new job, AND moving into my new pink apartment building. I'm still so glad to be here! I feel SO GREAT that I am going to be able to have somewhere to talk about all these people and not have to watch every freaking word. When I was so miserable with Joseph, in the early days, I would type out all this stuff like "Why does this MFer never stop crying? What have I done? WHY did Todd and I think it was a good idea to have a baby? Our lives are over! I hate this!" and then I would actual post a picture that said "Joseph had a rough night! I hope he naps today!"
OK. So Happy Birthday to Kathleen or Thomas, whoever you are.