Unhappiness

Here is the thing about being unhappy in one facet of your life. It's very hard to separate it, for me anyway. Our son Joseph has been having some major problems lately. He has autism and he's been really struggling with communication and meltdowns. His communication skills are non-existent, and he gets frustrated and has this mind-blowing tantrums. It happens a lot when he first wakes up and - I mean, I know he is a little boy and I mostly feel for him, but the best comparison I can make is if I lived with someone who hit me. Like I try to walk on eggshells and I try to make everything right for him, but I am always nervous and kind of waiting. So anyways. We are working through it, we are hoping that it gets better and trying to employ all these techniques. I am also trying to keep him away from the little girls because I don't want him to inadvertently hit them.

So...it can suck. And it can make me unhappy, even though I try not to be. And when I'm unhappy in my *family*, in my *house*, I feel unhappy in my marriage. But I am NOT unhappy in my marriage, I just feel like the unhappiness that we have is so pervasive that it invades everything. It makes me feel super impatient with my other kids and also with my husband.

But what to do? I don't feel depressed, necessarily. I don't feel ... out of sorts - I mean a lot of it sucks right now, is all. I don't think it will suck forever, we are taking steps to make it better, I just - I feel bad that I feel bad. I feel bad that I am mad and I stomp around sometimes and say "My life SUCKS!" and "This sucks!" and, if I'm being honest, "I want to run away from here and never come back" and, to be completely honest and tell what a jerk I can be, "I wish I were dead and buried in the ground!". I know. I know it's not nice to say.

But you know what would help? What would help is if my husband would say nice things to me. It's so lame, I know, but like, I have often thought if he complimented my house keeping or child rearing or LIFE DEALING WITH as often as he talked about my ass, I'd be perfectly sated. I would be happy to never hear another word about my stupid ass if I could just get some real-life compliments.

RANDOM

Lucy is going to be one this weekend. ONE. It has gone fast, even with her sleeping in our room. I keep thinking she will soon be old enough to share a room with Kathleen, who is almost 2.5. But it doesn't seem like anyone is ready. Lucy just started sleeping all night and now I am afraid to mess it up. She is a sweet thing, such a happy and nice baby.

I am going to wean her here soon. She has finally learned the finer points of the sippy cup, which is exciting. She is not much of an eater, but we are working on it. I'll take her next week for her one year checkup and hopefully she'll have gained. She was only 16 pounds at her 9 month appointment. I feel sad and also excited about weaning her.

Kathleen is driving me mad. I will be a SAHM for five years next year and I don't like it any better than when I started, although I recognize that there is no way I could do anything else. I couldn't have these kids and work, I can barely get out the damned door to a PARK. She is chatty and bossy and she wants to go out in the car every second of the day.

Joseph is doing well in school, and in general, but he had a period a few weeks ago where he was MISERABLE and so were we. I fought with his school because they wanted me to GIVE him TYLENOL and to TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR and there was nothing wrong with him except that he was ... really unhappy? Going through a rough period? Having a lot of tantrums? Having major sensory issues? Jeez, I don't know. That's why he is in a SPECIAL SCHOOL for KIDS WITH AUTISM, I felt like telling them. Anyways, he is better now. For now. Whenever he has such tantrums and is so miserable and unable to communicate what is hurting him, I get veryclose to panicking. I picture him bigger and older and kicking my ass, or hurting the girls. It's terrifying. But I am trying to be faithful, we are doing what we can, he is a sweet boy and I am hoping he remains so.

My mother is driving me mad. She thinks Kathleen watches too much tv. She said that she - well, it's too weird. Kathleen knows her letters and how to count to 10 and sometimes 20. She knows every color that there is, and lots of animals. She has an excellent memory and she is a good singer. I think that's pretty good for 2.5, but I don't really know, because Joseph isn't a good comparison. But my mom started saying how Kathleen "couldn't count" and "didn't know any letters" and "couldn't hold a conversation". It was INSANE. I told her that she had to leave, I told her I couldn't take it. I am worried enough, I am always looking at the younger two, worried that they are going to be autistic, and I can't have her LYING just to make her case about the freaking TV, which is NOT really watched that much. It's better now, too. But man. It's weird - she is the most overinvolved mother I know. I'm more than 40 years old! Leave me alone!

Todd is fine. He is very good, actually. I think we are, at long last, finally starting to communicate a little bit better. It's hard, I don't recommend getting married and having a baby immediately. It makes it very difficult to talk about anything but pregnancy and babies for the next several years. We are trying to not only make it work, but to be happy and enjoy our life, and that is so much more challenging than I would think.

I am doing Weight Watchers. It's been like five weeks and it's going very well, I'd say. I really like that point system. I'm also doing a fitness challenge with one of my mom's groups where we are working out for a certain amount of time per month and I like that too. I've been sick the last two days, but other than that I've been doing something like six days a week and it's great. It's great because a) I am getting activity points for WW so I can eat more and it's great because I am b) doing well in the challenge and also I can c) get away from all this for a short period of time and just think about me. Well, me and whatever bitch is leading my exercise of choice. Ha!

I guess that's it? For now?

Autism

Autism is so many things, to me. It is a big pain in my ass, and I sometimes get so, so mad at it. But then I think my baby boy has autism, and I love him and I even love his weirdness and quirkiness and ... well, downright ANNOYING behaviors and a lot of them are because he has autism. So I love it? Maybe?

I'll tell you what I don't think about autism. I don't think it makes my son into some kind of unicorn or something, I don't think I should leave him just as he is. Because as he is is kind of ... well, socially unacceptable. Selfishly, I want him to talk more because I want to hear what he has to say. I want him to say "NO!" to his sister when she is being a pain or taking something from him. I want him to say "I love you" to me or to his father. I would love to just have a conversation with him, ask him how his day went, something.

We are so, so lucky that we live in a state that has an autism mandate. If we didn't, I don't know what we'd do. There is a therapist at the school that J goes to and her brother has autism. He's like 27 or something and there was no mandate when he was growing up, and her father had to quit his job to stay at home with him and do ABA therapy. He quit his job! I can't imagine. I mean, I am home anyway but there is no way I could do ABA with J, I am busy with those needy sisters of his.

Autism makes for strange bedfellows, or playgroup fellows anyway. I know that sometimes people don't invite us to things because of J and I think it's bullshit. BUT I understand it. J isn't rough or anything, he never pushes or starts fights, and he really likes to be around people. He also likes to wave his hands in front of his face and make goat boy noises and I guess some people aren't comfortable with their kids being around someone like that. Whatevs.

I always start to follow Autism Moms on Twitter and then sometimes I have to stop. I cannot worry about vaccines having caused my son's autism. I don't think they did, and even if they did, (which they didn't, I am sure of it, he's been who he is from Day One), what good does it do me to worry about it now? I have too much to do trying to advocate for my son, I don't have time to advocate for Jenny freaking McCarthy or her idiot boyfriend.

Autism hasn't ruined my life, or my marriage, or my son's life, as some ads from Autism Speaks would want you to believe. While it's true that we have challenges, more challenges than parents of typical kids, I swear to God, Kathleen is twice as challenging as Joseph right now. And Todd and I are so, so dumb about it. Joseph was so non-verbal at Kathleen's age that we are always like 'what is UP with all this talking?' It's exciting and annoying and a little bit sad, to us. Just like Parenthood! Ha!

Random, some more

• My mother and I are fighting. Ugh, it's the dumbest thing - I asked her if she would like to come and stay with me while Todd goes on a long weekend trip. She is in her winter, snow bird home, and I said we'd fly her up here if she wanted to come. I only did it because before she left after Christmas, she went on and On and ON about how much she'd miss me and the kids, and how she wished she could be in two places at once, etc., etc. So she said sure, and then immediately started to say why she couldn't come. She said she was going to drive - for two days to stay here for three days - which seemed screwy. She told me everyone she's ever known has gotten sick after flying. Finally, I emailed her and said FORGET IT, my sister would come and stay and help me out (there are really only a few times a day when it would help to have someone here, as Joseph is kind of stringent about his schedule). She wrote back and told me that the UNDERWEAR bomber was the problem, had I not heard about him? Sheesh. ANYWAY, I asked her WHY did you say you'd do it if you didn't want to and she told me that she likes to be helpful. Um. NOT helpful. Anyways. It's disappointing but I honestly feel like I'd rather know. Mother OFF babysitting list. :)
  
• Kathleen turned two. It feels like she should be 20 or 30 by now. She is so unbelievably relentless. I am hoping as she gets older it will get better, OR maybe I will lose my hearing and it will stop bothering me.
  
• Lucy is getting so big and sitting up and starting to do some pat a cake, which is fun. I wish she babbled more. She seems quiet and of course I am nervous because of Joseph, I'm worried she'll have autism too and if she does I want to get started helping her. This is crazy thinking, I'm aware. She is only eight months old and she's pretty engaged and I'm sure she's fine but man. I am up in the night a lot and I have lots of time to worry.
  
• Joseph is ... oh, he is mostly noisy! The noises that come out of that child! Again, deafness seems not so bad to me right now. I am taking one day at a time with Joseph. He is so sweet and gorgeous and I feel my heart breaking every day when I look at him. I know he'll be all right but ... again with the late night worry.
  
• I am up in the night because that 8 month old baby is far, far, from sleeping all night. She is up usually twice and ... it's wearing. I'm worn out.
  
• As soon as she is weaned, I am going to go away for the weekend, with an old friend of mine who also has three kids. I can't wait and I am also worried. I'm worried the kids will be mad, mostly Lucy, but I have never spent a night away from Kathleen either. Todd and I are planning on going away together in the summer, just for a weekend, so I hope they get used to us being gone separately first.
  
• I talked to a friend of mine about Kathleen starting at a co-op preschool ... I guess next year? When she is three? I don't know when typical kids go to preschool. I love the idea of it. I just don't know if I can wait a year.
  
• Todd and I are fine. He is so good in so many ways, mostly I try to ignore/subtly correct the ways that bug me. Today, it's good so I'll take it.
  
• I have been working out a lot, I'm almost done with the couch to five K. I am still as fat as butter though. I just can't eat as little as I should. I'm hungry. And also? I like ice cream when I'm nursing. But I'm working on it. I wish it were easier but it's NOT.
  

What Have I Done?

Sometimes (largely when I am thinking of other people or looking at their damned blogs) I think OMG I did this all wrong! I was too damned old to get married and start having kids. I see these women who had babies after I did and they are as thin as reeds and I think what the hell? I have been pretty good, diet wise, since August and pretty good, exercise wise since then but also have been running and I am not. As thin. As a reed. Even a trunk-type reed. Well, I think I'm over 40! What do I expect? I think that I am never supposed to eat sweets or anything bad and that just ... that sounds so hard! I'm so tired, I gave up caffeine for the sleepless breastfeeder, I can never go out without getting a call that the baby is crying, etc., etc., all that and no cookies? Ever? It seems wrong. It seems like if I was 15 years younger, it would all be much easier. That and I wouldn't feel so close to death.

Motherhood 101

I have a six month old, and I look at a lot of blogs of people who have babies my age. I like the feeling of it, that we are all in it together or whatever. Sometimes I don't know the person, it's like a friend of a friend or something. This one blog that I go to? It's so strange. The mom had a picture of her older girl, who is like three, and her baby, who is a month younger than Lucy, and the baby appeared to be standing! They were at a pumpkin patch or something outside and it looked like the two girls were standing there by a pumpkin. Then I looked more closely and I could see the Dad was propping up the baby, holding her up in a standing position.

Did I miss a meeting or a class or something? Are we supposed to buy this bullshit? It's like these wretches that are always talking about how their kids slept 'through the night' at whatever age. Two weeks, six weeks, whatever. My friend Cathryn always says her boys slept "through the night, from 7 til 7, and only got up twice to nurse". What the what? That is not sleeping all night! That is sleeping and waking up to nurse!

Lucy has been sick, she had a high fever all last week and I got up with her for like four nights in a row at midnight - for the day. She's better now and I know that's all that matters, but man. Todd was rubbing my shoulders last night and I started to cry, it felt so good. I told him, through very dramatic tears, that I feel like I'll never be well rested again. I'll never just wake up in the morning and ... feel normal. You can set your watch by it, I have a six month old and I think the world is going to end. I know she'll start sleeping soon, better, but man. I am tired and grumpy in the meantime and I just can't take these bitches standing their babies up in pictures!

Litany

Oh do I have complaints! Where better to take them? I hope?

• My head hurts, and has for days. I gave up caffeine, hoping it would help Lucy sleep better. It might be and it might not but for right now my head hurts. Also, she pulls the hell out of my hair and that makes it hurt, too.
  
• I am tired. I haven't slept for eight hours in ... well, it's been years. But I haven't slept for six hours in a year or two and that's harder. Last night I slept for five hours in a row for the first time in months.
  
• I am in a crappy mood, and unable to appreciate my life.
  
• Our furnace needed to be cleaned and when the guy came to do it, he found out that the exhaust pipe was broken (by some bad kid, no doubt) and spewing carbon monoxide everywhere. I assume it had just happened, since we have a CO2 detector and it hadn't gone off yet.
  
• Joseph continues to flourish in school, but I had a run in with the director of his school, who established a policy, through flu season (which she says is through February or March), where your child has to stay home for SEVEN days when they have a fever above 99.9. It's really, really hard for J. to be off his schedule for that long, especially since he was sick for exactly one day.
  
• Kathleen wakes up so early that she is never going to just take one nap a day. She's already up from her first nap and it's 10:30. Lucy is down for her second nap, but crying, because she's so tired. How does this happen? How do I think so much about sleep and never get any?
  
• I am not going to my MIL's for T-giving. She's disappointed, even though I have said we're not going to travel an hour each way when one of us hates the car seat so much that she screams the entire time she's in it. Also? Don't have dinner at 12:30 if you want us to come. That's at least two people's naptime.
  
• I am always worried about money. We're fine but we haven't even started to pay on J's school yet, the insurance company is delaying it so much that we haven't had to pay our $1K deductible yet. We have no idea what we are going to have to pay, with copays, etc. It's so weird to not be able to contribute at all. I can't get Lucy to eat any food, she won't take a bottle, so I have to be here during her waking hours.
  

Let's see, is that all? That's probably pretty good, for a Monday. I am actively trying to make my (our) life better, I am trying to get L to eat and sleep better, trying to push K to stay awake a little longer in the mornings so she can just take one nap a day, and trying to give it over where J and his school is concerned. I'm trying not to worry so much about the future. "I'm trying", I always tell the kids, but you are too". Ha!