Unhappiness

Here is the thing about being unhappy in one facet of your life. It's very hard to separate it, for me anyway. Our son Joseph has been having some major problems lately. He has autism and he's been really struggling with communication and meltdowns. His communication skills are non-existent, and he gets frustrated and has this mind-blowing tantrums. It happens a lot when he first wakes up and - I mean, I know he is a little boy and I mostly feel for him, but the best comparison I can make is if I lived with someone who hit me. Like I try to walk on eggshells and I try to make everything right for him, but I am always nervous and kind of waiting. So anyways. We are working through it, we are hoping that it gets better and trying to employ all these techniques. I am also trying to keep him away from the little girls because I don't want him to inadvertently hit them.

So...it can suck. And it can make me unhappy, even though I try not to be. And when I'm unhappy in my *family*, in my *house*, I feel unhappy in my marriage. But I am NOT unhappy in my marriage, I just feel like the unhappiness that we have is so pervasive that it invades everything. It makes me feel super impatient with my other kids and also with my husband.

But what to do? I don't feel depressed, necessarily. I don't feel ... out of sorts - I mean a lot of it sucks right now, is all. I don't think it will suck forever, we are taking steps to make it better, I just - I feel bad that I feel bad. I feel bad that I am mad and I stomp around sometimes and say "My life SUCKS!" and "This sucks!" and, if I'm being honest, "I want to run away from here and never come back" and, to be completely honest and tell what a jerk I can be, "I wish I were dead and buried in the ground!". I know. I know it's not nice to say.

But you know what would help? What would help is if my husband would say nice things to me. It's so lame, I know, but like, I have often thought if he complimented my house keeping or child rearing or LIFE DEALING WITH as often as he talked about my ass, I'd be perfectly sated. I would be happy to never hear another word about my stupid ass if I could just get some real-life compliments.