I used to think that breastfed babies didn't get colic.
I used to think that Joseph wasn't autistic, because he wasn't a good baby and I thought autistic children weren't bad babies.
I used to think that I would never have to worry as much about my kids once they were born.
I used to think I worked hard, at my old job.
I used to think I had been tired, that I knew what it was like.
I used to think I knew about conflicting emotions.
BUT:
Joseph was breastfed and the colickiest person ever known to man.
He was a rough newborn, and I think he is autistic.
I worry so much about him that it is making me sick. Everything takes so long - we had his first evaluation like a month ago and now we have to wait two more weeks to start therapy because of paperwork and nonsense. It feels like it makes this winter even longer.
I have never worked so hard at a job in my life as I have being a SAHM. By the end of the day, I am worn down to a nub, I've been crying at least once during the day, my breasts are sore from nursing a lot, my back is sore from rocking the baby, and I am deeply ashamed of myself for saying and thinking horrible things about my two year old.
I love these children, of course. I love Joseph. But I get so mad and dejected and horrified and angry in one day, I just can't believe it. Todd comes home and I just want to RUN out the door. Not just some days, not just on 'bad' days, but every day. I love them all but I want to leave them, too.
I used to be so stupid. I don't feel smart now, just older. Like WAY older. Like OLDE.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
We're going out tonight
Is that crazy? We're taking Kathleen and getting a babysitter for Joseph. Unless it's one of his grandmother's, we only get babysitters to watch Joseph after he's in bed. He's too crazy with the separation anxiety otherwise. He's too much of a handful for the teenagers we employ to put to bed. But it's my friend William's birthday and we are going to just meet him and his wife at a restaurant/bar where I used to work and have a drink and then go home. Kathleen isn't going to bed until 10:00 so I figure why not. I hope I don't regret it but I might. I usually do. But I am so sick of being in this damned house! I'm all antsy and nervous for our meeting about Joseph on Wednesday and Todd goes back to work full time this week so I'd like to go out and celebrate.
I was reading Melissa's entry on being a martyr of a mom and that is me, totally. I am so jealous of women that go back to work, women that just seem to still live their lives after they have kids. I don't want to be someone whose children encompass them entirely but the way that Joseph is and the fact that Kathleen is pretty new - I don't know how else to be. I have tried to take him to the nursery at the Y, and tried to take him to the nursery at my mom's meetings, but it's always a no go, and I am sick of the people who work there taking him to me after 15 minutes or whatever. So I stay in, I only go out when Todd can stay with the kids, and I get madder and madder about it.
God, I hope we can get somewhere with this therapy for Joseph. I would love to be able to talk to him a little bit better and be understood. If I could just say "I'm going out but I'll be back" and have him understand me! It's like a dream at this point.
Tomorrow is Kathleen's baptism and I already made the food and will bake it up tomorrow. I cleaned the house today so hopefully it won't be too tension filled tomorrow. Ugh, wish me luck.
I was reading Melissa's entry on being a martyr of a mom and that is me, totally. I am so jealous of women that go back to work, women that just seem to still live their lives after they have kids. I don't want to be someone whose children encompass them entirely but the way that Joseph is and the fact that Kathleen is pretty new - I don't know how else to be. I have tried to take him to the nursery at the Y, and tried to take him to the nursery at my mom's meetings, but it's always a no go, and I am sick of the people who work there taking him to me after 15 minutes or whatever. So I stay in, I only go out when Todd can stay with the kids, and I get madder and madder about it.
God, I hope we can get somewhere with this therapy for Joseph. I would love to be able to talk to him a little bit better and be understood. If I could just say "I'm going out but I'll be back" and have him understand me! It's like a dream at this point.
Tomorrow is Kathleen's baptism and I already made the food and will bake it up tomorrow. I cleaned the house today so hopefully it won't be too tension filled tomorrow. Ugh, wish me luck.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Repitition
My friend Sue told me that it's like Groundhog Day when you have a newborn and she was right. I never know what day it is and who cares anyway. Things are getting better, I guess - she's five weeks now so we are getting ... somewhere. We're all getting older, I guess, anyway.
My new topic is Joseph. This week we had our early intervention people come to evaluate him and they think he needs speech, developmental and occupational therapy. He doesn't talk enough, he doesn't communicate hardly at all. We have a meeting scheduled in ten days to talk about how he's doing and what we should do to help him.
It scares me because I worry that he's autistic and then I think big deal. He's pretty smart, I think, he knows a lot of words and concepts. He is pretty affectionate and is very rambunctious and loves to run and play and climb things. We had to move the tv in the livingroom to the floor because he was climbing on it and standing on it! Insane! But he's him and I wouldn't want him to be any different.
My mother, however, is driving me *insane* on the subject. She is a crazy person anyways, loves politics, Rush Limbaugh, loves to argue and point her finger at you when she's talking, you know the type I'm sure. Her new thing is that Joseph has autism and she read Jenny McCarty's book on how HER kid has autism and she just changed his diet and poof! he's better and Joseph watches too much tv and maybe that gave him autism but really it's probably the immunizations and there will not be enough money in the WORLD to settle the lawsuits that will come if they ever prove that immunizations and autism are related and God will not be mocked by using aborted fetuses in immunizations and blah blah blah I'm going to kill myself if she keeps sending me emails about this bullshit, which is what I told her.
The thing is - we are seeking therapy and help for Joseph. I want him to be happy and live in the world and get along and ... just be him, you know? So he seems to be having some trouble with this and we're getting him help. His doctor, who I love, says that he is a good smart boy and I should just keep talking to him but I want to take advantage of this program while I can (they only do it til they're 3) and it's (practically) free. I want to be able to talk to him more and I want him to talk to me, and I know it will happen some day but I am ready. I'm bored and lonely, home with two children that rarely speak to me.
And if he's autistic, then fine. We'll do what we can to help him navigate the world. But I just want to know what I can do. It makes me cry and cry to think about people who have children that are ill and can't do anything about it. These children drive me insane on a daily basis but when I think about anything happening to them, I just ... it's too much.
We are having Kathleen baptized a week from Sunday. It's going to be a quiet affair, as my parents are still out of town. My in laws are coming and my brother's family and my sister. So I will have to whip up a small party. Todd invited my inlaws, which I know seems normal but my parents aren't coming so I was hoping for a no-parents day.
In other news, I made a blueberry cobbler today, from the Pioneer Woman's site. I was looking at her recipe for lasagna and I couldn't believe the comments! People are freaking crazy!
My new topic is Joseph. This week we had our early intervention people come to evaluate him and they think he needs speech, developmental and occupational therapy. He doesn't talk enough, he doesn't communicate hardly at all. We have a meeting scheduled in ten days to talk about how he's doing and what we should do to help him.
It scares me because I worry that he's autistic and then I think big deal. He's pretty smart, I think, he knows a lot of words and concepts. He is pretty affectionate and is very rambunctious and loves to run and play and climb things. We had to move the tv in the livingroom to the floor because he was climbing on it and standing on it! Insane! But he's him and I wouldn't want him to be any different.
My mother, however, is driving me *insane* on the subject. She is a crazy person anyways, loves politics, Rush Limbaugh, loves to argue and point her finger at you when she's talking, you know the type I'm sure. Her new thing is that Joseph has autism and she read Jenny McCarty's book on how HER kid has autism and she just changed his diet and poof! he's better and Joseph watches too much tv and maybe that gave him autism but really it's probably the immunizations and there will not be enough money in the WORLD to settle the lawsuits that will come if they ever prove that immunizations and autism are related and God will not be mocked by using aborted fetuses in immunizations and blah blah blah I'm going to kill myself if she keeps sending me emails about this bullshit, which is what I told her.
The thing is - we are seeking therapy and help for Joseph. I want him to be happy and live in the world and get along and ... just be him, you know? So he seems to be having some trouble with this and we're getting him help. His doctor, who I love, says that he is a good smart boy and I should just keep talking to him but I want to take advantage of this program while I can (they only do it til they're 3) and it's (practically) free. I want to be able to talk to him more and I want him to talk to me, and I know it will happen some day but I am ready. I'm bored and lonely, home with two children that rarely speak to me.
And if he's autistic, then fine. We'll do what we can to help him navigate the world. But I just want to know what I can do. It makes me cry and cry to think about people who have children that are ill and can't do anything about it. These children drive me insane on a daily basis but when I think about anything happening to them, I just ... it's too much.
We are having Kathleen baptized a week from Sunday. It's going to be a quiet affair, as my parents are still out of town. My in laws are coming and my brother's family and my sister. So I will have to whip up a small party. Todd invited my inlaws, which I know seems normal but my parents aren't coming so I was hoping for a no-parents day.
In other news, I made a blueberry cobbler today, from the Pioneer Woman's site. I was looking at her recipe for lasagna and I couldn't believe the comments! People are freaking crazy!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
February!
I'm glad it's February. Kathleen was 3 weeks old yesterday, and as I told her, only 49 weeks til her first birthday! Three weeks and 17 years until she's 18! It's true, I spend my life wishing it all away.
You all have no idea how much it helps me to hear that you all sleep in chairs too.
Kathleen is definitely fussy. This terrifies me because Joseph was colicky, for no physical reason, until he was 16 weeks old, which was a hell of a long time. I really hoped and prayed that we wouldn't have a colicky baby this time but I think we got one. And I don't know if I'm up to it again. I'm almost 40, as I told Kathleen this morning. I feel old and tired and scared of the next several weeks.
Tonight I had mashed potatoes and bread and butter for dinner. I kind of thought maybe Todd would go get us something. I have literally held that baby all day. ALL DAY. So at 6:15 I said "what do you want to do for dinner?" and he said "I don't really feel like anything, do you?". Sigh. No. No I guess not. Nursing doesn't make me hungry or thirsty, I don't have to eat or drink or go to the bathroom, ever. I was just checking. So then he offered to go and get anything and came up with all sorts of good-sounding ideas but I am nothing if not a freaking grudge holder so I said NO. It's FINE, I said. I'll have LEFTOVER MASHED POTATOES. FINE. I showed him.
No nap for Joseph today so at least he'll go to bed soon and then I can too maybe. For a while, and then it's off to the chair with me!
My sister said she was going to come over tonight after church and have dinner and even though I somewhat dread people coming over, I was looking forward to seeing someone. But then she called and said she wasn't coming. I was unreasonably unhappy about it, as I said, I don't really want anyone to come over but ... I sort of do, too.
Well, now it's Monday, I have been writing this for days! Today is a not bad day, Kathleen slept okay last night although she will not lie down in her bassinet after her first sleep. Oh well. It will come, I guess. I have been thinking about breastfeeding a lot, since it seems like that's all I do. I keep meaning to pump and get some bottles together for when we (hopefully) can start giving her bottles but I just don't want to pump! I know it's only like ten minutes but I just hate it and since there's no instant gratification involved with it, since we don't give her bottles yet, I just think eff it. But I'm going to be sorry when I have no backup milk and can't go anywhere here soon.
But on breastfeeding - I sort of hate it, especially in the beginning. Her head is so floppy I have to hold her head and I also have to hold my ginormous breast and then since I have no hands left I have to lie her down on a pillow, and it just seems like such a pain! She almost always falls asleep and then I have to feel guilty about tickling her foot or something to get her to wake up and nurse. They're always so rough on them in the hospital, I think, those lactation consultant people? "Wake up!" she yelled at Kathleen, and sort of whacked her foot. My first reaction was to whack the LC in the head - I mean, she was like 3 days old! Anyway, I do it but I don't love it. I love that it's good for them and I love that it's pretty simple, especially in the night. But I don't love the gigantic breasts, or the nursing bra that I wear 23 hours and 45 minutes a day, and the fact that it's only me that can feed her right now. I don't love that I'm not a good public nurser, I'm so jealous of women that seem so good at it. I hate that I feel like I have ONE MORE THING to not be too good at, motherhood wise.
Anyway. Todd's been holding her for a while and I should go switch it up. I'm so glad it's February, that she'll be one month old this month. Soon. And then she'll be five and then eighteen! ;)
You all have no idea how much it helps me to hear that you all sleep in chairs too.
Kathleen is definitely fussy. This terrifies me because Joseph was colicky, for no physical reason, until he was 16 weeks old, which was a hell of a long time. I really hoped and prayed that we wouldn't have a colicky baby this time but I think we got one. And I don't know if I'm up to it again. I'm almost 40, as I told Kathleen this morning. I feel old and tired and scared of the next several weeks.
Tonight I had mashed potatoes and bread and butter for dinner. I kind of thought maybe Todd would go get us something. I have literally held that baby all day. ALL DAY. So at 6:15 I said "what do you want to do for dinner?" and he said "I don't really feel like anything, do you?". Sigh. No. No I guess not. Nursing doesn't make me hungry or thirsty, I don't have to eat or drink or go to the bathroom, ever. I was just checking. So then he offered to go and get anything and came up with all sorts of good-sounding ideas but I am nothing if not a freaking grudge holder so I said NO. It's FINE, I said. I'll have LEFTOVER MASHED POTATOES. FINE. I showed him.
No nap for Joseph today so at least he'll go to bed soon and then I can too maybe. For a while, and then it's off to the chair with me!
My sister said she was going to come over tonight after church and have dinner and even though I somewhat dread people coming over, I was looking forward to seeing someone. But then she called and said she wasn't coming. I was unreasonably unhappy about it, as I said, I don't really want anyone to come over but ... I sort of do, too.
Well, now it's Monday, I have been writing this for days! Today is a not bad day, Kathleen slept okay last night although she will not lie down in her bassinet after her first sleep. Oh well. It will come, I guess. I have been thinking about breastfeeding a lot, since it seems like that's all I do. I keep meaning to pump and get some bottles together for when we (hopefully) can start giving her bottles but I just don't want to pump! I know it's only like ten minutes but I just hate it and since there's no instant gratification involved with it, since we don't give her bottles yet, I just think eff it. But I'm going to be sorry when I have no backup milk and can't go anywhere here soon.
But on breastfeeding - I sort of hate it, especially in the beginning. Her head is so floppy I have to hold her head and I also have to hold my ginormous breast and then since I have no hands left I have to lie her down on a pillow, and it just seems like such a pain! She almost always falls asleep and then I have to feel guilty about tickling her foot or something to get her to wake up and nurse. They're always so rough on them in the hospital, I think, those lactation consultant people? "Wake up!" she yelled at Kathleen, and sort of whacked her foot. My first reaction was to whack the LC in the head - I mean, she was like 3 days old! Anyway, I do it but I don't love it. I love that it's good for them and I love that it's pretty simple, especially in the night. But I don't love the gigantic breasts, or the nursing bra that I wear 23 hours and 45 minutes a day, and the fact that it's only me that can feed her right now. I don't love that I'm not a good public nurser, I'm so jealous of women that seem so good at it. I hate that I feel like I have ONE MORE THING to not be too good at, motherhood wise.
Anyway. Todd's been holding her for a while and I should go switch it up. I'm so glad it's February, that she'll be one month old this month. Soon. And then she'll be five and then eighteen! ;)
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