Monday, November 3, 2008


Can I say something without being overly dramatic? I swear it's not a cry for help or anything. It's just something that I've been thinking about lately.

I am all wound up lately, of course, pregnant, tired, 10 month old still not sleeping, tired, son with autism and school driving me mad, etc., etc., tired, you know the drill. It's always something right? Lately I have been thinking I would have to kill myself to get out of this.

I do not mean that I am thinking about suicide - the how and the where and the how, not at all! I just - I'll be having a really shit day and Joseph is having a giant screaming tantrum and it's making Kathleen yell and then Joseph wants Kathleen to stop yelling so he tries to pop her in the mouth and I am sitting on the floor, and I think oh my God, how can I get out of this? It's too much. I'm too tired. I can't do it for 18 years, I can't! I think the only way to get away from these people would be to kill myself.

And then I feel better. Because I don't want to die. This, although it can really suck sometimes, is better than the alternative. So maybe that's what people mean when they say about getting older, 'it's better than the alternative!'. Maybe?

Again, I am not trying to be dramatic. It's just something that has been pervading my thoughts lately and I wanted to write it down here in a safe place.


Anonymous said...

No, I hear you. Sometimes thinking "The only way around it is through it" is actually encouraging.

CP said...

You are very much not alone. I often have these feelings while driving. I'm not going to drive off a bridge or anything but those same types of thoughts you have go through my head. And then I continue to drive on.

ConstanceTheNinth said...

You Constances are my kind of people. I feel so much better that I said it and you all hear me.

desperate housewife said...

Wow, I'm glad I read this. I've been having these thoughts frequently lately. Just like you said, not "want to slit my wrists" thoughts, just "is there any way I can rewind the last few years and make myself still be childless and free for a while longer?" thoughts. And I know, being single and childless or married and childless, these have their drama and annoyance too. But yeah, when the screaming escalates and the diaper pails are all overflowing and your husband is (you know) silently wishing to start trying for a third baby, it's hard not to think, "How did I GET here? Can I just take a break from being RESPONSIBLE for all this?"

Constance65 said...

I am right with you. There are days that I just can't take it. My oldest has autism and when the younger 3 start their fighting & screaming....I just want to run away. Often times, I have to. I run in the other room and give myself a time-out. And that time-out really helps me. So, you are not alone...not one bit.