Can I say something without being overly dramatic? I swear it's not a cry for help or anything. It's just something that I've been thinking about lately.
I am all wound up lately, of course, pregnant, tired, 10 month old still not sleeping, tired, son with autism and school driving me mad, etc., etc., tired, you know the drill. It's always something right? Lately I have been thinking I would have to kill myself to get out of this.
I do not mean that I am thinking about suicide - the how and the where and the how, not at all! I just - I'll be having a really shit day and Joseph is having a giant screaming tantrum and it's making Kathleen yell and then Joseph wants Kathleen to stop yelling so he tries to pop her in the mouth and I am sitting on the floor, and I think oh my God, how can I get out of this? It's too much. I'm too tired. I can't do it for 18 years, I can't! I think the only way to get away from these people would be to kill myself.
And then I feel better. Because I don't want to die. This, although it can really suck sometimes, is better than the alternative. So maybe that's what people mean when they say about getting older, 'it's better than the alternative!'. Maybe?
Again, I am not trying to be dramatic. It's just something that has been pervading my thoughts lately and I wanted to write it down here in a safe place.