Hot Button Issues

Is this a theme? C1 talked about her hot button issues and I commented but I thought I'd write about mine here, why not.

I get very annoyed by many, many things, and I am trying to be better about it. Last night I had to go to the drugstore because I needed soda and just ... crap and it was Sunday night and I figured the drugstore would be my best bet. We live in the city so there is not a Target or good grocery store right nearby. It was kind of horrible at the drugstore, it was packed and they didn't have a lot of the things I wanted. I have the gestational diabetes again with this baby - or I should say I was very very borderline on the one hour test and I opted not to take the three hour - I don't see the point of going in and wasting three hours when I could just test at home and eat right and exercise. The nurse at my ob's office seemed sort of shocked about this but seriously? I do not have three hours and it's not like I'm going to be doing anything I shouldn't be doing anyway, eschewing dessert and white food and being sure to exercise a bit every day. So anyway. I wanted sugar free antacids and they had none. I wanted diet and caffeine free soda and they had NONE. NONE. There were crazy people on line, talking and talking to me and carrying in food that they found on the street and running out of money, etc., etc. and I was just over it. I was telling Todd about it when I got home and he said well, they're not going to change, so maybe you should, to be happier. Which is good advice. Annoying but good.

SO. I'm trying not to get mad at people for things they can't control, or for things that *I* deem annoying but are not to everyone. I know I can be a bitch and I'm tired and stressed out most of the time so I have to take myself with a grain of salt.

BUT I have had it with my MIL. Yesterday she was going to come up and see the kids. She had called the previous Saturday for Sunday and we already had plans. So she asked if she could come over THIS Sunday and she called on Thursday to confirm. I think it shocked her to the core that we could have made plans and she couldn't just swoop in like normal. Anyway, she called Saturday night but didn't leave a message so Todd called her yesterday to be sure everything is okay and she wanted to know if she could bring our nephew, who was DYING to see the kids (ha ha, he never even looks at the kids, he just uses our computer or texts the whole time he's here and I don't blame him - he is 16). Anyway, he had a friend with him so could he bring him too? So Todd said no, this comes up EVERY TIME. We have kind of a small house, it's a row house and it's like basically two rooms downstairs. Joseph can be kind of strange with new people, including my MIL, who is new every time she comes. WHY would I want to put him in a situation where he's uncomfortable? Or, and this is probably an unfounded fear, but I don't know this teenage boy at all, what if he was to make fun of Joseph? Or find it amusing how Joseph self-stims? I just am not up to it. Also, if you want to come and see the kids, COME AND SEE THE KIDS. Every single time there is some sort of extra thing involved. This is why I am never having my MIL stay over anymore - every time she does, like if we wanted to stay out overnight, or do something late, or something, she brings EVERYONE she knows, it feels like. Last time her husband couldn't come because he was working on a Saturday, so he came up here at 7:30 Sunday morning. SEVEN THIRTY. No one seems to think it's weird but me.

Todd definitely tells her that she can't bring strangers to the house but he doesn't like to. Plus she knows it's me that's saying no, and yesterday she barely spoke to me. Sigh. I do not know what to do about it. Todd doesn't like to say no to people, he says, as if - I mean, who does? Who LIKES confrontation and making people unhappy? Nobody. I am just willing to do it for the greater good and he's not. Anyway. That is frustrating to me and, I think, at the core of my issue with people not recognizing that our life is different because Joseph has autism. It's not BAD, I'm not JUDGING it, but I just want to call a freaking spade a spade and say we have to consider what is going to happen a little more than someone with a typical child.

God I am really babbling here so I'll stop. Hot button indeed!

The internet

Sheesh. I am so mad at people on the internet all of a sudden. I was innocently looking at pamie dot com and here's this old cow again:

Now look - I really don't care what some allegedly funny lady in LA thinks about me as a stay at home mother. BUT I do care about what some dumbbell thinks about ALL women who stay at home to take care of their kids instead of working outside the home and sending them to daycare (or "school" as some of my friends call it, the place where they send their six month old. Whatever). I mean, what did we go to school for? Why do well in school? GOD. I have many things I would like to say to this asshole:

1.) I went to school and got a Bachelor's degree and then I worked for several years. I also worked while I went to school. THEN I got my Master's degree while working full time and then I worked for some more years. THEN I got married, after having worked full time, post college, for like 14 years! THEN I got pregnant and had a baby and my husband and I decided that the best CHOICE for our family would be for me to stay home and take care of the child(ren). My husband, who also has a graduate degree, made about twice what I did, so he got to keep going to work. I assume I'll work again. I think I'll work as long as my friend James, who is a police officer and is going to retire after 25 years.

2.) I consider it to be a HUGE sacrifice to stay home with my kids. It's not the kind of sacrifice where I tell them all day, every day, what kind of sacrifice I'm making, and how hard I'm working, and how AWESOME I am for doing it, but it's the kind of sacrifice where I feel like maybe someday it will be worth it for me to stay home with them. I consider it the right thing to do, for my family.

3). I always stayed home, and it's worked out well for me since I have a son with autism. I have several friends, though, who worked at first and then because their kids were diagnosed with autism, they had to leave their job and start staying home with their kids because they weren't able to stay in the daycare that their parents had chosen for them. Would you ask THEM why THEY went to school? Why they BOTHERED to do well in school if all they were going to do is stay home? You ASSHOLE?

4.) I wonder if this woman considers herself to be such a contributing member of society that she can talk to a whole bunch of women like they're idiots? Is she a writer? A comedy writer? A writer of a sitcom? She writes the funny words that actors say? And this is some kind of major contribution to our world, one that should be compared favorably to raising children? Taking care of other human beings?

5.) I truly feel like my education has helped me do better in my job, the job of staying at home with my children. It has definitely helped me with my autistic son, although sometimes I wish I had gotten a degree in occupational therapy. It's also helped me think about things in a different way - to realize that there are all kinds of people in the world, and not one thing is going to work for everyone. I wonder what Niya's education has taught her - certainly not that.

Also, I was reading Sundry (again) and she talked about some woman that writes comics about attachment parenting? Or something? The woman was all mad about receiving formula samples in the mail and also about letting a baby cry it out. There were lots of comments, mostly talking about how it's not really offensive to receive a sample in the mail. But there was one about breastfeeding in public and why do some WOMEN have to be so OBVIOUS about it? And I thought what the hell, commenter? I always get scared about comments like that because my sweet Joseph was a really rough nurser and constantly swatting the blanket away and popping off and then rolling away from me so I sometimes had to decide between covering up well or catching the baby and I chose (obviously) to catch the baby. So then I think when some asshole complains about women being so OBVIOUS about it are they talking about me? Or someone like me? Doesn't even matter who they're talking about? Isn't the point of coming a long way (baby) that we don't have to explain this shit, constantly, time after fucking time? Yes, I choose to stay home with my kids, yes, I breastfeed, yes I formula feed, yes, I work outside the home, yes my kid sometimes CRIES. Are you kidding me? Who are these people?

Also, on my other blog, some guy posted a super mean comment about how I was coddling Joseph because I didn't like the way he was roughly handled by some clerk at the playplace we went to. He said that his two year old daughter could take getting a hand stamp, what was the problem with Precious that he couldnt' take it? I mean - really? I have to assume he just thought he was a 'normal' three year old, and didn't read that he was autistic but man. Even if he did think that? It seems kind of rough on a regular three year old to.

So. Newsflash - people can be jerks.

Changing

I was reading on Sundry's blog about the question of parenting changing you. Is there anything left of YOU, as a person, once you have kids? I have been thinking about it a lot because I really think the answer is hell no, and hell yes, both.

Everyone I know knows that I have not taken to motherhood well. But I think it's just my expectations, as usual, that needed to be managed before I had kids. I was just so surprised! by everything!

I still can't believe that my MIL thought that she was going to be in the room for the birth of my children. I still can't believe that she thought NOTHING of pressing on my stomach whenever she saw me after she knew that I was pregnant, even when I was like 10 weeks!

I can't believe how one (former) friend went ON and ON about how WONDERFUL it was and how much SHE LOVED having an infant and it was so beautiful and great and amazing and her baby slept all night at 3 weeks and it was so awesomely awesome in response to me saying "he never sleeps and he screams all the time. I don't know what to do".

I can't believe how tired I have been for almost four years.

I can't believe that I could get so mad at Todd for sleeping. Or having to go to the bathroom. Or having a job.

I can't believe how often I can cry.

I can't believe anyone thinks that because of the above, that I don't love my kids. It makes me insane(r) when people say "it's all worth it". I ESPECIALLY hate it when someone who is not the parent of the child says it. God. Of course I love them. That's part of the problem! Like - Joseph thinks nothing of whacking me in the face, and Kathleen thinks part of climbing up on me is to pinch my breasts or whatever she can grab onto in order to stand. Then I'm being hit in the face! And I think who the HELL is hitting me? Why am I being attacked? But I'm not being attacked, I'm being HELPFUL. I'm being a MOTHER. In order to be a mother, sometimes you have to get hit in the face or get pinched. I am still wrestling with this one.

I know two women that I think are bad mothers. One is the mother of my niece and one is the mother of my friend's stepson. By 'bad mother' I mean, like, bad. Like - I don't mean they don't use cloth diapers and they take their kids to McDonald's, I mean, I think that they are not preparing their children for life, and I think sometimes they are actually putting their children in danger. I have heard these women, on multiple occasions, say what GREAT mothers they are. AWESOME mothers! My friend who has the stepson and I talk about it - like WHO THE HELL sits around saying "I am an AWESOME mom!" It is my anecdotal conclusion, therefore, that good mothers don't talk about what good mothers they are. It's my only hope that I might be a good mother - or have the potential of being a good mother - someday.

Whenever we take Joseph for an autism thing - like an IEP, or an evaluation or something, the teachers/professionals/whoever are always going ON and ON about how GREAT we are doing! "You're doing great mom!" they'll say to me, having met me 30 minutes before. I think really? You think I'm doing great? It feels good and then I feel immediately like a phony. I think if they really knew me, or if they could spend a day watching me mother this boy that I barely understand, or if they (GOD FORBID) knew what I was thinking, they would know that I'm not doing great and that I am barely getting by, some days. So I wonder - are they just saying it? Or do they usually deal with such yahoos that by comparison, Todd and I seem great?

The last thing I'm thinking about whether or not you change or lose yourself or whatever when you're a parent is that sometimes people think they can comment on something like this because they are a parent. They think they (and I include myself in this) have earned the right to have an opinion about other parent's lives because they have kids. They scoff at people who DON'T have kids having an opinion about it. But the thing is, you really can't judge anyone until you have been THEM with THEIR kids. I know that sometimes people might see me on a rare jaunt to the grocery store with both kids. The other day we had an emergency and had to go get some crackers for Joseph (he has a limited list of foods that he will eat). There I was, all pregnant and crazed, with two kids in the cart, and I opened the box so that I could give Joseph some right there in the store. Then I had to give Kathleen some, too, to keep things equal. I KNOW that if I had seen me and didn't know anything, I would think 'look at that mother, coddling that giant boy, he must be really spoiled'. And I would have been SO wrong - he is not spoiled, he's not! He's autistic and he struggles with a lot of communication issues. So if he says "cracker" to me, I like to be able to give him what he wants and reward him for speaking, so that maybe he'll do more of it. But no one could know that in the grocery store. So my conclusion THERE is that you can't judge anyone's parenting, ever, even if you are a parent. Unless you are THEM with THEIR children, thoughts off!

Some Days

Some days are really bad. Some days, I told my husband before on the phone, I feel like it's a race to see what is going to happen first. Will the weather get better? So that we can go outside and maybe breathe some fresh air that doesn't freeze our lungs on contact? Will I ever not have a cold again and maybe be able to breathe and/or sleep before I have this baby in May and am unable to sleep? Or will I go crazy and end up in jail and hell because I've lost my mind and walked out on the kids or something?

Some days I don't know what's going to happen first. Some days Kathleen wakes up SO early and SO angry and then she doesn't nap. Some days Joseph brays like an animal all day, he's super frantic and sad himself. Some days as soon as I try to salvage the sleep day for Kathleen and put her up for her afternoon nap, Joseph stands at the bottom of the stairs (or worse, outside of her door) and brays and brays - wordless, senseless noise.

I pray and pray. I pray that it gets better. I pray that he will SHUT the F up for just an hour so she can get some rest. And then I hear her crying. Some days.

Some days I think no one understands - no one understands what it's like to be a stay at home mother, just a normal one, let alone one like me, one who can't go anywhere because she can't control her kids, I can't chase the brayer and the tired one.

Some days I feel really, REALLY pregnant. I am finding that it is much harder to be six months pregnant with a one year old than with a two year old.

Some days I feel 90 years old. Some days I think I can't do it. I hope tomorrow isn't one of those days. I hope the weather gets better. I hope and hope and hope.

One Word Meme

Where is your cell phone? table

Your significant other? everything

Your hair? needy

Your mother? um

Your father? advising

Your favorite thing? sleep

Your dream last night? forgotten

Your favorite drink? martini

Your dream/goal? thin

What room are you in? kitchen

Your hobby? reading

Your fear? future

Where do you want to be in six years? finished

Where were you last night? home

Something that you aren't? rested

Muffins? yummy

Wish list item? nanny

Last thing you did? I.T.

What are you wearing? maternity

TV? necessity

Your pets? no

Friends? thankful

Your life? crazymaking

Your mood? dire

Missing someone? me

Drinking? nope

Smoking? nope

Your car? new

Something you're not wearing? socks

Your favorite store? Target

Your favorite color? blue

When is the last time you cried? already

Who will resend this? unknown

Where do you go to over and over? school

Five people who email me regularly? friends

My favorite place to eat? out

Favorite place I'd like to be right now? hotel

Four people I think will respond? unknown

Five Years Gone

The other night Todd and I were talking about time and I said that if a fairy godmother of some kind flew into my house tonight and said she could POOF make the next five years disappear - that I could wake up tomorrow and it would be five years later, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Todd seemed kind of hurt. He said he wouldn't want to be five years older tomorrow. But I don't care, I am not taking it back. If I could make the monitors be gone? And if everyone was born and sleeping and ... maybe off to school, or closer to it? I would do it. If I could know what is going to happen with Joseph, and know if he is going to get 'better' and maybe go to a regular school? I would take it, I would, I wish it could happen. I'm so tired and I keep saying it and I'm so sick of myself! Maybe in five years, I'd be thinner? Happier? Maybe not, though - that would be a drag!

What do you all think? Am I crazy? Would any of you take the five year deal?

Away

I was watching some show on Veteran's Day and they had all these military wives and mothers on and I was feeling like a big baby. Some of these women had five and six kids and their husbands were gone to Iraq or Afghanistan! I don't like it when Todd is home like FIVE minutes later than I expect him!

But then I was reading one of the thousands of blogs I read a week and it seemed like several were talking about how these women's husbands were just ... going away. Away to run a marathon, away to go hunting, away to just get away and I think there is no way I could stand that. I don't mean to be all - bitchy? mean? one upping? but I am no longer running in races, I am no longer going to the gym, for God's sake. My life has changed dramatically since I've had these children and shouldn't his?

I want my husband to enjoy his life, I do. I suppose I'm lucky because my husband doesn't want to go away on weekends to hunt or fish or run or whatever. But if he did it would be a major issue. I just feel like these years right now are about being home with these children. I am home all the time with them and it's a handful, of course. Todd told me the other day if I wanted to, I should go and do something this weekend. Since Kathleen isn't nursing anymore, hardly, he said I could be gone all day! I said thanks but if I had a whole day to myself I would want to sleep and where can I do that? A bed showroom? It simply isn't done! :)

I feel like a judgmental old biddy, getting mad on behalf of my friends and women who I don't even know about their husbands leaving them. Maybe it's fine. Maybe they think it's great. I just can't imagine it. But I'm trying.