Some days are really bad. Some days, I told my husband before on the phone, I feel like it's a race to see what is going to happen first. Will the weather get better? So that we can go outside and maybe breathe some fresh air that doesn't freeze our lungs on contact? Will I ever not have a cold again and maybe be able to breathe and/or sleep before I have this baby in May and am unable to sleep? Or will I go crazy and end up in jail and hell because I've lost my mind and walked out on the kids or something?
Some days I don't know what's going to happen first. Some days Kathleen wakes up SO early and SO angry and then she doesn't nap. Some days Joseph brays like an animal all day, he's super frantic and sad himself. Some days as soon as I try to salvage the sleep day for Kathleen and put her up for her afternoon nap, Joseph stands at the bottom of the stairs (or worse, outside of her door) and brays and brays - wordless, senseless noise.
I pray and pray. I pray that it gets better. I pray that he will SHUT the F up for just an hour so she can get some rest. And then I hear her crying. Some days.
Some days I think no one understands - no one understands what it's like to be a stay at home mother, just a normal one, let alone one like me, one who can't go anywhere because she can't control her kids, I can't chase the brayer and the tired one.
Some days I feel really, REALLY pregnant. I am finding that it is much harder to be six months pregnant with a one year old than with a two year old.
Some days I feel 90 years old. Some days I think I can't do it. I hope tomorrow isn't one of those days. I hope the weather gets better. I hope and hope and hope.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
One Word Meme
Where is your cell phone? table
Your significant other? everything
Your hair? needy
Your mother? um
Your father? advising
Your favorite thing? sleep
Your dream last night? forgotten
Your favorite drink? martini
Your dream/goal? thin
What room are you in? kitchen
Your hobby? reading
Your fear? future
Where do you want to be in six years? finished
Where were you last night? home
Something that you aren't? rested
Muffins? yummy
Wish list item? nanny
Last thing you did? I.T.
What are you wearing? maternity
TV? necessity
Your pets? no
Friends? thankful
Your life? crazymaking
Your mood? dire
Missing someone? me
Drinking? nope
Smoking? nope
Your car? new
Something you're not wearing? socks
Your favorite store? Target
Your favorite color? blue
When is the last time you cried? already
Who will resend this? unknown
Where do you go to over and over? school
Five people who email me regularly? friends
My favorite place to eat? out
Favorite place I'd like to be right now? hotel
Four people I think will respond? unknown
Your significant other? everything
Your hair? needy
Your mother? um
Your father? advising
Your favorite thing? sleep
Your dream last night? forgotten
Your favorite drink? martini
Your dream/goal? thin
What room are you in? kitchen
Your hobby? reading
Your fear? future
Where do you want to be in six years? finished
Where were you last night? home
Something that you aren't? rested
Muffins? yummy
Wish list item? nanny
Last thing you did? I.T.
What are you wearing? maternity
TV? necessity
Your pets? no
Friends? thankful
Your life? crazymaking
Your mood? dire
Missing someone? me
Drinking? nope
Smoking? nope
Your car? new
Something you're not wearing? socks
Your favorite store? Target
Your favorite color? blue
When is the last time you cried? already
Who will resend this? unknown
Where do you go to over and over? school
Five people who email me regularly? friends
My favorite place to eat? out
Favorite place I'd like to be right now? hotel
Four people I think will respond? unknown
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Five Years Gone
The other night Todd and I were talking about time and I said that if a fairy godmother of some kind flew into my house tonight and said she could POOF make the next five years disappear - that I could wake up tomorrow and it would be five years later, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Todd seemed kind of hurt. He said he wouldn't want to be five years older tomorrow. But I don't care, I am not taking it back. If I could make the monitors be gone? And if everyone was born and sleeping and ... maybe off to school, or closer to it? I would do it. If I could know what is going to happen with Joseph, and know if he is going to get 'better' and maybe go to a regular school? I would take it, I would, I wish it could happen. I'm so tired and I keep saying it and I'm so sick of myself! Maybe in five years, I'd be thinner? Happier? Maybe not, though - that would be a drag!
What do you all think? Am I crazy? Would any of you take the five year deal?
Todd seemed kind of hurt. He said he wouldn't want to be five years older tomorrow. But I don't care, I am not taking it back. If I could make the monitors be gone? And if everyone was born and sleeping and ... maybe off to school, or closer to it? I would do it. If I could know what is going to happen with Joseph, and know if he is going to get 'better' and maybe go to a regular school? I would take it, I would, I wish it could happen. I'm so tired and I keep saying it and I'm so sick of myself! Maybe in five years, I'd be thinner? Happier? Maybe not, though - that would be a drag!
What do you all think? Am I crazy? Would any of you take the five year deal?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Away
I was watching some show on Veteran's Day and they had all these military wives and mothers on and I was feeling like a big baby. Some of these women had five and six kids and their husbands were gone to Iraq or Afghanistan! I don't like it when Todd is home like FIVE minutes later than I expect him!
But then I was reading one of the thousands of blogs I read a week and it seemed like several were talking about how these women's husbands were just ... going away. Away to run a marathon, away to go hunting, away to just get away and I think there is no way I could stand that. I don't mean to be all - bitchy? mean? one upping? but I am no longer running in races, I am no longer going to the gym, for God's sake. My life has changed dramatically since I've had these children and shouldn't his?
I want my husband to enjoy his life, I do. I suppose I'm lucky because my husband doesn't want to go away on weekends to hunt or fish or run or whatever. But if he did it would be a major issue. I just feel like these years right now are about being home with these children. I am home all the time with them and it's a handful, of course. Todd told me the other day if I wanted to, I should go and do something this weekend. Since Kathleen isn't nursing anymore, hardly, he said I could be gone all day! I said thanks but if I had a whole day to myself I would want to sleep and where can I do that? A bed showroom? It simply isn't done! :)
I feel like a judgmental old biddy, getting mad on behalf of my friends and women who I don't even know about their husbands leaving them. Maybe it's fine. Maybe they think it's great. I just can't imagine it. But I'm trying.
But then I was reading one of the thousands of blogs I read a week and it seemed like several were talking about how these women's husbands were just ... going away. Away to run a marathon, away to go hunting, away to just get away and I think there is no way I could stand that. I don't mean to be all - bitchy? mean? one upping? but I am no longer running in races, I am no longer going to the gym, for God's sake. My life has changed dramatically since I've had these children and shouldn't his?
I want my husband to enjoy his life, I do. I suppose I'm lucky because my husband doesn't want to go away on weekends to hunt or fish or run or whatever. But if he did it would be a major issue. I just feel like these years right now are about being home with these children. I am home all the time with them and it's a handful, of course. Todd told me the other day if I wanted to, I should go and do something this weekend. Since Kathleen isn't nursing anymore, hardly, he said I could be gone all day! I said thanks but if I had a whole day to myself I would want to sleep and where can I do that? A bed showroom? It simply isn't done! :)
I feel like a judgmental old biddy, getting mad on behalf of my friends and women who I don't even know about their husbands leaving them. Maybe it's fine. Maybe they think it's great. I just can't imagine it. But I'm trying.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Dramatic
Can I say something without being overly dramatic? I swear it's not a cry for help or anything. It's just something that I've been thinking about lately.
I am all wound up lately, of course, pregnant, tired, 10 month old still not sleeping, tired, son with autism and school driving me mad, etc., etc., tired, you know the drill. It's always something right? Lately I have been thinking I would have to kill myself to get out of this.
I do not mean that I am thinking about suicide - the how and the where and the how, not at all! I just - I'll be having a really shit day and Joseph is having a giant screaming tantrum and it's making Kathleen yell and then Joseph wants Kathleen to stop yelling so he tries to pop her in the mouth and I am sitting on the floor, and I think oh my God, how can I get out of this? It's too much. I'm too tired. I can't do it for 18 years, I can't! I think the only way to get away from these people would be to kill myself.
And then I feel better. Because I don't want to die. This, although it can really suck sometimes, is better than the alternative. So maybe that's what people mean when they say about getting older, 'it's better than the alternative!'. Maybe?
Again, I am not trying to be dramatic. It's just something that has been pervading my thoughts lately and I wanted to write it down here in a safe place.
I am all wound up lately, of course, pregnant, tired, 10 month old still not sleeping, tired, son with autism and school driving me mad, etc., etc., tired, you know the drill. It's always something right? Lately I have been thinking I would have to kill myself to get out of this.
I do not mean that I am thinking about suicide - the how and the where and the how, not at all! I just - I'll be having a really shit day and Joseph is having a giant screaming tantrum and it's making Kathleen yell and then Joseph wants Kathleen to stop yelling so he tries to pop her in the mouth and I am sitting on the floor, and I think oh my God, how can I get out of this? It's too much. I'm too tired. I can't do it for 18 years, I can't! I think the only way to get away from these people would be to kill myself.
And then I feel better. Because I don't want to die. This, although it can really suck sometimes, is better than the alternative. So maybe that's what people mean when they say about getting older, 'it's better than the alternative!'. Maybe?
Again, I am not trying to be dramatic. It's just something that has been pervading my thoughts lately and I wanted to write it down here in a safe place.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Six Random Things
I stole this from Constance, but I can never, ever not steal a meme. I just love the idea of it.
1. My sister and I have always written letters to each other during the day. We started when we were both in high school and continued it when she went to college and I was still in high school, then when we were both in college, when we used to fax letters to each other before email, and now, of course, via email and IM.
2. I used to smoke but don't anymore. But I still LOVE the idea of it.
3. I can drive a stick shift but we do not have a stick shift car because my husband can't.
4. I get very paranoid that after I speak, my husband inwardly rolls his eyes and thinks "will she ever shut up?"
5. I used to go to the gym almost every day, and sometimes I would just take two classes in a row because I was there anyway. Now I can literally barely sweep the floor by the end of the day.
6. My parents have been married (to one another) for 45 years but both my husband's parents have been married three times.
1. My sister and I have always written letters to each other during the day. We started when we were both in high school and continued it when she went to college and I was still in high school, then when we were both in college, when we used to fax letters to each other before email, and now, of course, via email and IM.
2. I used to smoke but don't anymore. But I still LOVE the idea of it.
3. I can drive a stick shift but we do not have a stick shift car because my husband can't.
4. I get very paranoid that after I speak, my husband inwardly rolls his eyes and thinks "will she ever shut up?"
5. I used to go to the gym almost every day, and sometimes I would just take two classes in a row because I was there anyway. Now I can literally barely sweep the floor by the end of the day.
6. My parents have been married (to one another) for 45 years but both my husband's parents have been married three times.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
People...they're the worst
So I am on this autism listserv right? There are sometimes messages about walks and fairs where you can get information on therapies, etc., but mostly there are frantic posts about chelation and diets and Jenny Mc Carthy and it sort of freaks me out. Since Joseph has been diagnosed with autism, I have gone right to the internets to find ... help and comfort and people in like situations, like every other thing in my life. But I can't find anyone who just wants to talk about what their days are like. I start to think maybe it's me, maybe I don't want Joseph to get better? But the thing is, I do. He is in preschool five days a week and although it's not the most aggressive program in the world, he is only three years old and he seems to be thriving. He gets speech and occupational therapy there. Then two afternoons a week, we all three (and a half, I guess, or a quarter) drive to another place so he can get more occupational and physical therapy too. He has 'low muscle tone' in his core and when I heard that I was like "who doesn't?" Ha! ANYWAY.
I am trying to balance accepting and loving Joseph for who he is with trying to change him and make him better. I think a lot of things that make our lives crazy with Joseph are age, too. He is super noisy during Kathleen's naps, he sometimes sits at the bottom of the stairs and yells, which is super annoying as she is a light sleeper. But ... he's three. I don't expect him to do everything I say. I just try and distract him, to move him on to something else, preferably outside. I tell him the baby is sleeping and he sometimes says "baaaaaby...sleeping", very seriously, like he gets it, and then screams wildly and wakes her up. So...ugh, right? But also ... three.
So. My point, if I have one, is that the other night this woman posted this "very important breakthrough" news and it was about how mercury poisoning has been proven to cause autism. So I was looking at the study and it seemed weird, it seemed to talk in circles and the main thing was that you could get a urine test from some lab in France for 100 dollars. So I googled it and found an interesting post on this guy's blog - he's in England and his daughter has Asperger's - and he said a lot of stuff contradicting this study. So I posted the link to the blog and said thanks for the link and here was a differing point of view. Well. This woman, who seems very nice, posted in like TWO SECONDS asking me all these questions about WHOSE blog it was and WHO did he think he was and THAT wasn't the test she was talking about and on and on, saying the blog author was probably a PLANT from BIG PHARM and DOCTORS. So I posted back and linked to the about me section in the blog and said I didn't think he was and I was just, as I said, posting a different point of view and I thought that would be cool since SHE had posted one point of view. Ugh. Forget it.
I just wish I could have friends, like my regular friends that I have met since I had kids - and they could understand my situation a little bit. It feels very isolating, because Joseph can be kind of a pain at playgroups, etc., (really I don't think any more than any other kid, they all have good and bad days) and I'm afraid that out old friends are not inviting us over because of that. It might not even really be happening, but it's in my head. Also, I have to go and get him every day kind of late morning so once Kathleen is done with her morning nap, we usually just go and get Joseph and then we can't do anything after lunch because Kathleen is napping again. Hoo boy.
So. Whine whine whine, I know. But it just sometimes feels like I am banging my head against the wall and after a while I think boy this hurts! And my head is bleeding!
I am trying to balance accepting and loving Joseph for who he is with trying to change him and make him better. I think a lot of things that make our lives crazy with Joseph are age, too. He is super noisy during Kathleen's naps, he sometimes sits at the bottom of the stairs and yells, which is super annoying as she is a light sleeper. But ... he's three. I don't expect him to do everything I say. I just try and distract him, to move him on to something else, preferably outside. I tell him the baby is sleeping and he sometimes says "baaaaaby...sleeping", very seriously, like he gets it, and then screams wildly and wakes her up. So...ugh, right? But also ... three.
So. My point, if I have one, is that the other night this woman posted this "very important breakthrough" news and it was about how mercury poisoning has been proven to cause autism. So I was looking at the study and it seemed weird, it seemed to talk in circles and the main thing was that you could get a urine test from some lab in France for 100 dollars. So I googled it and found an interesting post on this guy's blog - he's in England and his daughter has Asperger's - and he said a lot of stuff contradicting this study. So I posted the link to the blog and said thanks for the link and here was a differing point of view. Well. This woman, who seems very nice, posted in like TWO SECONDS asking me all these questions about WHOSE blog it was and WHO did he think he was and THAT wasn't the test she was talking about and on and on, saying the blog author was probably a PLANT from BIG PHARM and DOCTORS. So I posted back and linked to the about me section in the blog and said I didn't think he was and I was just, as I said, posting a different point of view and I thought that would be cool since SHE had posted one point of view. Ugh. Forget it.
I just wish I could have friends, like my regular friends that I have met since I had kids - and they could understand my situation a little bit. It feels very isolating, because Joseph can be kind of a pain at playgroups, etc., (really I don't think any more than any other kid, they all have good and bad days) and I'm afraid that out old friends are not inviting us over because of that. It might not even really be happening, but it's in my head. Also, I have to go and get him every day kind of late morning so once Kathleen is done with her morning nap, we usually just go and get Joseph and then we can't do anything after lunch because Kathleen is napping again. Hoo boy.
So. Whine whine whine, I know. But it just sometimes feels like I am banging my head against the wall and after a while I think boy this hurts! And my head is bleeding!
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