Oooh Barracuda

I was reading this article and sighing so, so often. I have no idea what I think about SPalin but man - the language and the tone of this article really pisses me off.

Like this:

Ms. Palin went to extraordinary lengths to ensure that his arrival would not compromise her work. She hid the pregnancy. She traveled to Texas a month before her due date to give an important speech, delivering it even though her amniotic fluid was leaking. Three days after giving birth, she returned to work.

...pisses me off. I am not governor of a state, but I am the emmeffing QUEEN of my household and I went to extraordinary lengths to ensure that my next baby's arrival wouldn't compromise my work. When my son was one year old, I had a miscarriage - LORD it was a messed up miscarriage, involving a mid-day trip to the downtown (read nasty and scary) ER and copious amounts of bleeding, admittance to the hospital and discharge from the same hospital, without having a D&C, weekly blood tests (while carting around my one year old), throwing a birthday party for the baby, and finally, mercifully, a D&C six weeks after the miscarriage. NOBODY questioned me about this. Nobody said "are you sure you can go BACK TO WORK while you are having a miscarriage?"

Then when my son was 2.5, I had his sister. Three days after SHE was born, you know where I was? RIGHT BACK TO WORK. I had a c-section on a Friday and Monday I came home and carried my 38 pound son up the stairs. We were just figuring out that he was not just a late talker, but that he was autistic. He couldn't come and visit me in the hospital because we couldn't figure out a way to tell him that at some point, he'd have to leave. So when I came home, and he was so happy/freaked out to see me, and he needed me to pick him up and act like everything was normal, I did.

He started getting therapy, here at the house, shortly after my husband returned to work. It's hard, at first, the therapy. It's like physical therapy, I guess, where they pull and push parts that don't want to be pulled or pushed, all for the greater good. I would nurse the baby, rock the baby, change the baby, hold the sleeping baby, all while my son (and I) wept and fought against the therapy. Again, NOBODY said to me - are you sure you should go back to work? Are you sure you have time to nurse the baby? Don't you think you should care for your SPECIAL NEEDS child?

It is bullshit - it's sexism and anti-motherhood and rotten to the core, this reaction to SPalin. I should correct myself and say there are, I'm sure, some people who just don't like her - they don't like her politics, or think that she's inexperienced, or that her daughter's troubles are her fault, or whatever. And they might all be right. Personally, I can't get over those NAMES. But this article? Is nothing but sexist and rotten and hating. And I hate it right back.

Sleep

I hate to talk (and think) so much about sleep but man, Kathleen is throwing me for a loop. I am breaking out the Weisbluth because I am confounded. She nurses at night as often as she nurses in the day, except for one long (?) stretch between, say, 6:00 and 11:00. Five hours is as long as she goes, and she is almost seven months old and weighs like 18 pounds. The rest of the night she nurses every three hours, and then gets up for the day at like 7:00.

In other news, she used to take a bottle and now she has stopped. I get sort of filled with dread when I think of breastfeeding for the next five months or so. I am a bad breastfeeder, but it's just so surprising how much I ... well, I don't want to say I hate it but man, I do not love it. I don't think it's a great bonding thing for me and mine, I just - I feel like it's a good way to get milk into them and I'm glad it works for me but beyond that, I am not feeling the love.

Joseph has been up in the night lately too. I have read that kids with a_utism can have trouble sleeping and he sure does. I mean, I have friends whose kids sleep like crap too and they're not a_utistic so who knows? But the last several days he has been up *early*, like before 5:00 and then he is wretched - HORRIBLE - in the afternoon and I feel like I just want to run, run away and not come back. He is in school and it's going well but I almost wish he was in the afternoon program there because at least then THEY could have him when he is freaking out every two seconds.

Sometimes I am with the baby, nursing or whatever, and Joseph is pulling at my hands and asking for food that he can't have (I curse you, fruit rollups) and starting a tantrum and I think "no. I can't do it again. I can't protect the baby so that his flailing hands don't hit her and I can't listen to him scream anymore and I can't have him whacking me in the legs and I just - I can't. I can't do this job anymore". My husband calls and asks how it's going and I can't even talk, I can't say anything without crying. He sighs and says he will be home as soon as he can. I feel guilty and awful for being so bad at this job and so mad at Joseph for being so crazy.

And then? Then dinner time comes and bedtime comes and we watch reality television or something or I read a book that I like or go for a long walk or work out or whatever and I feel better and I start it again the next day. This is the craziest freaking job I have ever had in my life - I don't know how I am supposed to do it for 90 billion more years or whatever it will be until they get the hell out of my house.

I do not love that John and Kate and their eight or whatever but yesterday I caught a little bit of one and she was saying over and over "I can get through this day, I can get through this day" and that's what I've been doing lately. That and trying not to JUDGE my situation so much. I would be kinder to a ... well to anyone than I am to myself, with the judging.

I have no idea how to wrap this up, I started it weeks ago. Um... things will get better? Joseph will maybe start to do better in school and talk more and get less frustrated? Kathleen will start to sleep better? This too shall pass? I would like to drink a bottle of wine tonight? Hmmm. Maybe that's it!

One Week Down

...thousands of weeks to go. :) But it didn't go that bad. Yesterday I ate whatever I wanted, which wasn't too crazy. I had some cookies that had been here, haunting me, and I had a hamburger on a bun and dessert(s). But I also started working out yesterday. I had not worked out all week, I was trying to just concentrate on the diet part of it and also? I am SO TIRED. This baby of mine will not SLEEP. Now I think maybe she's getting teeth? And is also, ahem, kind of jammed up? So I am feeding her prunes and trying to give her some water and in general hoping for the best. We thought maybe it was teeth so I gave her Ty Ty (as we refer to it around here) last night and the night before but now I think maybe it's just her stomach and the solids. Ugh. Babies are gross!

ANYWAY. So I worked out again today and am not having bread and am not having sweets. This naturally makes me have more greens and veg and just make better choices. So far, so good. I am dreaming of ice cream but I had some yesterday and it was just okay. Do you know how that is? When you give something up and then you have it and you think really? I went all crazy over this? I find this to be true with food, cigarettes, alcohol and bad boyfriends.

Now I am just hoping I can keep on doing it, keep on behaving food wise and working out. And then, maybe someday this child of mine will sleep better and I will feel good and it will be a pay off.

Ha - Todd is funny. Monday was the start of my diet and Monday night I said "I don' t look any thinner!" to him. He said maybe it takes a while? Then Tuesday morning I walked in the bedroom from Kathleen's room and he said "I think you look a little thinner this morning". Sweet.

Diet

Ugh. I am starting a diet tomorrow. It is a diet and not a lifestyle change, although it involves lifestyle changes. I have these friends that are doing South/Beach and I thought maybe I would do that once I'm done nursing. But then I was talking to Todd about it and he said maybe we could just stop eating so much sweets and carbs? Because he is logical like that.

The thing is, I feel awful. I feel kind of depressed and unmotivated. I don't hardly have any clothes to wear. The same exact thing that happened to me after I had Joseph is happening to me now. After I had Joseph, I lost the weight that I gained while pregnant like right away. So fast, like within weeks. I attributed it to never eating, because I preferred to sleep rather than eat and I literally didn't have enough time to do both. Now, after Kathleen, I lost all my weight right away and because I had had the GD while pregnant, I hadn't even gained any weight from like 28 weeks on so it all just went away. But man did I start to eat after I had her! Ice cream and bread and butter and ice cream and...wait for it...ice cream!

A few months ago I started to work out again, every day. But I couldn't fix the eating thing. I would be good all day and then Todd would say how about a blizzard? and I'd say SURE. I NEVER say no to ice cream. ICE CREAM.

But I am going to start. Tomorrow I am starting to go easy on carbs. I am not going to eat ice cream, except for possibly one day a week. I haven't decided if I should do that or not. I am not going to eat after 7:30. I am (probably) not going to have any alcohol. That last one isn't a big deal, I hardly ever drink anymore anyway, I'm so damned tired.

But man. Could I just watch what I eat and feel better in like a week? Could I not be so tired and crash-y from the sugar? Because I really do get vicious and mad for no reason and I think it might be a sugar crash? It FEELS like a crash. I am going to try it and see how it goes, just try it for a week and see if I feel better. And then maybe I could start to wear all my clothes again, too, as a bonus?

I will keep you posted.

Another Meme

Things are crazy around here lately. Joseph has started at his developmental preschool and it has gone better than we could have ever dreamed, so far. Kathleen is six months old and isn't sleeping that great and I am so tired. And I'm really tired of people telling me to give her formula, or cereal, or ground beef, or whatever the hell worked for them. GOD. So here's a meme I got tagged with, so as not to focus on the negative.

Three Things......

THAT SCARE ME: not knowing the future, sickness for my kids or my husband, gaining a lot of weight

I LOVE: these children of mine, my husband, my family

I HATE: being tired, feeling out of control, idiots

I'M DOING RIGHT NOW: updating my blog, waiting for Cha/Cha queries, relaxing while K naps

I CAN DO: calm my fretting children, walk or run good distances, remember everything anyone has ever said to me

I CAN'T DO: stop eating ice cream, think before I speak, sleep easily

THAT ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: ice cream, burgers, fries

SHOWS I WATCHED WHEN I WAS A KID: Wonderama, Magic Garden, (these are dating me!), Happy Days

Motherhood Meme

Taken from Melissa.

I would never:
Hit my children. I would want to sometimes, like when I'm hit in the face, but I would never act on it. I would also never leave my children. Again with the want, but never with the act.

I always:
Forget how little they are. Sometimes when one or both of them are making me crazy, I picture them saying "help me, I'm just a little baby", because I forget. I used to spend my whole days with adults that needed me (I worked in computers, in support) and I forget that these little people that I now spend my days with need me and CAN'T do anything else. I also always cry. I used to be a crier but I am so, so much worse now. Today I hugged them both at the same time, which I've never done before, and I looked at both their faces and WAAH, started to cry.

I got an easy ride when it came to:
their health. I have two big, healthy children. They have never had ear infections, never more than a cold or a little teensy stomach bug. I also got an easy ride when it came to husbands because if I didn't have Todd's support I would be so, so hosed.

The part I dislike most about parenting is:
I dislike not knowing what to do a lot of the time. I dislike sleep training. I dislike shrieking. I dislike being so tired all the time. I dislike picking things up hundreds of time a day. I dislike how weak I am most of the time. I dislike feeling like I never get any better at this job.

The part I love most about parenting is:
Oh I do love them so, I love that part. I love bathing them and taking care of them. I love that they are people that came out of me and they are going to grow up and be my son and daughter forever. I love our family. I love that I truly love my work, that has never happened to me before and it never will again, I bet.

My terrible parenting secret is:
I don't keep many secrets, I bitch and moan a LOT. I sometimes think of how happy I was before I had kids. I'm ashamed of how mad and out of control I feel sometimes. I hate to feel so weak and helpless.

I would describe my approach to discipline as:
Hmm. Well let me say this and I don't want to offend anyone. I don't really respect my children. I mean, I respect them as human beings and, actually, as children of God (to be all religious) but I don't respect a three year old's opinion on things. And I really don't respect the five month old's opinion. I want them to know that I am in charge, a dictator, but a benevolent one. I love them and everything I do comes from that. So if I want them to go to bed, or take a nap when they're tired, or not hit me or their friends, I come from a loving place with that. I hope.

My worst parenting habit:
God, I don't know. Complaining. Not realizing how great I have it.

The one thing I am really proud of is:
That I have worked so well with Joseph. He is a very, very challenging person to be around for five minutes, let alone three years. He is my first and I knew nothing, I just thought that's maybe how all kids were. He is a special needs person and I am not a special needs educator, but I have had to become one very quickly and I think I am doing okay. I'm also proud that we didn't get all hung up on the label of 'special education' or 'autism' or whatever. We just want to help him, however that help comes.

I probably am too lenient when it comes to:
Food. I can't have fights over food.

I hope my kids inherit my:
husband's brains. I am smart but he is smarter. I hope they inherit my sense of humor, or rather the sense of humor that I used to have before I became such an old hag.

I hope my kids don’t inherit my:
horrible lack of patience. Struggles with weight. Tendency to be mean.

I love that my kids are:
so beautiful. I feel like it goes a long way with me. On days where everything is falling apart, I think at least they're so, so cute.

The thing I miss most about my pre-mom days is:
Sleeping. Being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Being able to think of the word for things whenever I wanted. Putting me and my husband first. Going out to dinner. Staying up later and knowing I could sleep in. Not feeling so much pressure all the time. Not thinking about sleep all the time.

Motherhood is:
Not for the weak.

Three years and Five Months

This week my Joseph will turn three years old and my Kathleen will turn five months old. It feels longer in both cases. I have to say, I never understand when people tell me about how the time, it flies, and OMG you have to enjoy each second because the time will FLY! FLY I tell you, FLY! They will be 18 before you know it! FLYING! THE TIME! Ahhhh!

I will be married four years this summer and it feels like 20. Joseph will be three and I feel like it's been ten years since I brought him home from the hospital. I can barely remember bringing Kathleen home and I have been awake a LOT since then, it seems LONG. Who are you people for whom it's flying by?

I think your kids are older, maybe. Or maybe you're happier? Or maybe you're not home all the damned time? Because my sweet Joseph is insane, I hardly ever take him and Kathleen out together during the day, like to the store or anything. We go to playgroups and out in the backyard and that's it. I have tried to take them for walks, or to the store but it can get very ugly if he has a tantrum and anything can set him off so I just stay here, where it's safe.

Who said that the days are long but the years are short? That is the best description I've heard of life with children. At least the best so far - who knows, maybe in a few years I'll be telling strangers on the street with little kids "it goes so fast! Enjoy each day!" I hope not, but maybe. Everything else I've ever thought wouldn't happen has happened, so it may as well.

In other news, Joseph is starting at a developmental pre school soon. He'll be gone two hours a day every day. I have no idea how either of us will handle this. OH, I hope it's good for him and for me. And maybe Kathleen, who I don't get to pay much attention to. I hope he gets some help and can make some strides communication-wise. It's funny, I have thought for months that they were going to assess him as someone on the autism spectrum, but when they said it officially, and when I read it in the conference report, it made me so sad, all over again. Like they said they observed him laughing at nothing and that was a sign! And I have always just thought that was so cute - I mean, I guess it can still be cute but it's also a sign of him being autistic and now it's sort of scary to me, too. I am choosing to be optimistic about it, though, and I hope that it helps him to be in a more structured environment. It can't be good for any of us to be here, day after day, counting the minutes until bedtime.

Kathleen is getting to be much more fun, as most five month olds do. She has been kind enough to sleep for like eleven hours with only one wakeup the last three out of four nights, which goes a long way. I told my sister today, though - at this point I can't even imagine that she'll ever sleep all night. Even before she wakes up, I wake up, all milk-soaked and worried. But then I go in and she's kicking her legs and says "ha!" which almost sounds like "hi!" to me and it's so nice, I don't even mind that it's four in the morning.

In even more other news, my husband is tired too, did you know that? Did you know that sometimes he can't get back to sleep after I wake up and feed the baby? In another room? SILENTLY? And sometimes he wakes up too early. I say if you're tired and you're allowed to take Sominex or something and you choose not to? You have to KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.