Hey, Jealousy

So I was reading this post of Beth's the other day and I got so, so jealous. It has taken me a few days to process it. When I read the beginning of it, like this part:

Sometimes, I think this really sucks. That all I do is change diapers and wipe up puke and do laundry and then more laundry since the hampers are full again as soon as I empty them. And sometimes I want to say, no, you keep two children fed, clean, happy and entertained while stemming the endless tide of toys taking over ever inch of the floor and cooking dinner that at least half of the intended audience will refuse to eat while I go get my nails done or out for drinks or whatever it is I've decided to do with no thought to the impact on your life. Sometimes I get so fed up with being the default parent, so tired of being unable to even go to the bathroom, much less leave the house without making some level of arrangements for their care or well-being. Sometimes when the one kid spends the entire morning puking on my shirt and pants and the floor and the other kid spends the entire morning whining and telling me I may no longer use the pet name I have called her since birth, I can't help but see this as far more punishment than reward. Sometimes I want to quit, to let all the annoying and boring little bits of this life be someone else's problem, to not be the one who is somehow supposed to have all the answers when I don't even understand the questions.

I was like, hell, yeah, sister, sing it!. I feel this way a lot - I try not to be, but I am deeply resentful that Todd just goes out to work every day. He says he doesn't, but I picture him skipping down the sidewalk, happy to finally be gone from our insane asylum. *I* want to quit too, I was thinking, when I read this. I felt so not alone in the moment that I read that post.

Well. The first part of the post. Because the second part went like this:

And then sometimes, when I am rocking a warm, sleeping baby who I know will, with a minimum of prodding, soon be taking a totally reliable two-hour nap while listening to my daughter singing in her room; or when she says she wants to tell me a secret and whispers in my ear that she loves me very much or that I am pretty; or when I can't get the baby to nurse because all he wants to do is smile at me with rivulets of milk pouring out of his mouth and spilling over his chin; well sometimes I feel like this, right here, this is the best part. Sometimes I think these long, slow, hard days with these children are the happiest of my life.

So then I thought, oh. Uh-oh, I thought. My warm baby needs more than prodding, sometimes she needs to scream, loudly, in my ear for a while before she takes a nap and I don't think it's been two hours since she was like a week old. She nurses so, so badly during the day, she is fussy the whole time and I can barely get her to nurse for 10 minutes. On both sides! I can't get help though, since she is gaining weight just fine and is in fact large and healthy.

Not only does my son not tell me that I'm pretty, he never sings in his room, never speaks to me at all, and I am afraid sometimes that he never will. "I love you", I say to him. "Can you say, 'I love you, Mommy?'" I start to cry, a little. "Can you say, 'I love you?'", I say, signing it too. He never answers.

So I think, well, okay, clearly these are not the happiest parts of my life. Maybe the happiest parts are coming? And maybe my happiness doesn't matter so much. Maybe this is, like a friend of mine told me, really God's work, because it's completely selfless and sacrificial love. Maybe. But in the meantime, I am pea green with envy over here.

Gossip

Cause that's what it's for right? This site? To talk about other people with my neighbors?

I have three sisters in law, on Todd's side. I have one sister in law on my side. They are all nuts. Is this true or just me? I don't know.

Todd's sister Lynn has begun a lesbian affair. When we met, she was married to her high school sweetheart - and by that I mean that she got married at like 16 when she was pregnant with her first child. She had her second at like 18 and is now younger than I am and her kids are almost out of the house! She got divorced and her new boyfriend moved in seconds later. Then they broke up because he had gotten fired but didn't tell her and also told her he was still paying the rent. She found out about the lies when she got kicked out of her house. THEN they got back together, then they broke up again. Then this girl started showing up, like, everywhere. I figured she was a lesbian but Todd's stepfather said they were just friends. My inlaws were planning a trip to take our niece and nephew on for our nephew's graduation from high school, then all of a sudden my SIL was going AND her 'friend' was too. STILL no one was talking about how they were a couple. But then last weekend, my MIL told Todd that it was 'official'. It is so funny - I mean, Lynn would be the last person that I would have guessed would have an affair with a woman. I really do not think she is a lesbian - I mean, I have lesbian friends and I just ... I think she's not so much as a lesbian, as she is someone who wants to be in a relationship with this woman. But we'll see. I don't know what she's told her kids, if anything.

My other SIL, Todd's sister Leigh, is having a baby in July. When I met her, she was getting ready to have 'the surgery', as I've noticed some people call it. So she had a gastric bypass and lost a LOT of weight and then sort of went nuts with the drinking and the partying and the 'dating'. It's so heavy, I think - she never dated, ever in her life until she was like 30 something. So it was weird and we talked about it, that she was drinking a lot and sleeping with a lot of people. It wasn't where she wanted to be, she wanted to be in a relationship. And now she's got one. He came to Joseph's birthday party with his two kids and Leigh, last summer. Then he didn't go anywhere because he was on house arrest. Then she got pregnant. Then he got off house arrest and got a job, because before that, he was just living with Leigh and she was working two jobs. Ugh. I haven't heard from her since Joseph's birthday party last year, when she came to the party but didn't even bring a card for Joseph. I hate to be That Mom, but man - he's just a little kid! Thankfully, he's so little that he doesn't know from presents, so I am trying to take that attitude. It's hard though.

My other SIL is divorced and has three kids. She dates a lot and is a bodybuilder. She came to Joseph's birthday party two years ago all painted in tan paint before a shower. She asked for something to eat and took chicken from the can. This is weird right?

In Todd's family, no one ever says anything. His sisters could come and poop on the table during Christmas dinner and NO ONE would say a WORD. In my (superior, natch) family, we talk about things. It is so weird to me that no one ever talks about anything and no one ever introduces anyone to anyone. I was never introduced to Lynn's boyfriend and they were together for a few years! It's crazy, and it's taking some getting used to.

And in the meantime, I can only tell you guys. So don't rat me out, okay?

Hey!

Hey! You! Listen closely because I am not going to say it again - GO TO THE BATHROOM AT WORK! Do NOT walk in the door at 5:00 (I know 5:00 is really early and I do appreciate you leaving early to get home to us) and tell me that you have to go to the bathroom. *I* haven't gone to the bathroom all day - and if I did, I did so with a baby on my lap.

Hey! When the baby is fussy and crying, and you take her from me to 'help', do NOT sit down! You have to rock her and walk with her, you have to pat her bottom and put the pacifier back in at just the right time. I haven't sat down except for the toilet that one time ALL DAY. You are NOT a construction worker! You are a professional! You sit down ALL DAY. Don't sit down as soon as you take the baby, to 'help'.

Hey! If you get up in the night to go to that damned bathroom again, do NOT shake the bed so hard that it wakes me up. I JUST got back to sleep after feeding that baby.

Hey! Do not bring home candy bars from the grocery store because they were on sale! I am dieting! Ditto on the blizzards from DQ!

Hey! When your mom calls at 9:00 on a Sunday morning and says they were thinking of coming over in an hour or so, MENTION that it might be nice to hear from them, say, the day before. To get some notice.

Hey! Stop yawning! WHY are you so tired? You go to sleep at 10:00 and sleep, uninterrupted, until 6:30. Stop it!

Hey! I really do love and appreciate you - I KNOW you are better than a lot of husbands and fathers out there. So just BEHAVE and I won't have to post any more notices like this.

Love,
Your Wife

Better?

Thanks for your nice comments on my last, crazed entry. I am still crazed and in fact was totally nutters today but now? Now everyone's in bed, I'm going to watch and see who got kicked of AI, and tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is Thursday, a day on which I have TWO things to do, and even though one of them is the hateful, hateful speech therapy, I love to have something to do and I love to have people come to my house, even if it is the hateful speech therapist, who thinks Joseph should be strapped down so he can 'focus' on his speech therapy. I have NO taste! Come on over, Jack the Ripper! Coffee's on!

The weather is getting better, I can see the light at the end of the winter. My mom is coming home in a few weeks and she can help me, or at least be trusted to babysit so I can go out to dinner. Or go have a drink. Or something. My MIL didn't come up last weekend because gas prices are so high. Sigh.

My latest bitch? Because I know you all are DYING to hear? Is that Kathleen isn't nursing well. She pops off and screams and then I pump and get four or five ounces and then she takes the bottle like it's all she was waiting for. This scares me, I don't know that I can pump and feed her bottles. Also I'm afraid my supply is going to get all weird. WHY do I have these weird kids? Or maybe everyone feels this way?

So things are better, kind of. I am sleeping more which of course helps a lot. I have started to use cloth diapers, which I have always wanted to do and it makes me feel very accomplished. I am not eating well, even though I swore I was going to after my birthday. Today I ate all the ears off Joseph's easter bunny. He isn't interested, so it's not like I snatched it away from him but still - they were big ears! Todd said he never likes that cheap bunny chocolate and I said, I don't like it either! That is not the point! I ate it standing over the sink and had potato chips in between bites. The chocolate, and it's quality was never the point.

I am going to bed.

I'm thinking of quitting my job

I called my husband before, one of those crazy phone calls? He's told me about a guy that used to work in his office who had a crazy wife, who would call and make up crazy stories in order for him to come home. That's who I feel like when I call him at work and tell him that I'm quitting but I can't help it.

Today I was folding laundry down by the dryer and Joseph crawled in the dryer. And I thought maybe if he breaks the dryer door, maybe THEN someone will listen to me. We have had a lot of people through here doing evaluations on Joseph so he can start his therapy and we tell them all the same thing - that we want to put him in a preschool but we are afraid no one would take him, because he's so crazy. And I thought then why do *I* have to watch him? With also an infant to take care of? I'm not qualified! I'm all alone here and crazy and trying to breastfeed one and make sure the other one stays out of the dryer, the exersaucer, the road, off the top of the tv, on and on.

So I try and think, wait. Wait three months and see how he does in therapy. Kathleen will get older and won't have to be breastfed every two minutes, she won't have to be carried around or scream, just wait. And then I think, I can't make it three days, let alone three months. We start O.T. on Thursday afternoon and maybe it will go well. I'm frustrated because his other two therapists, who are supposed to start after tomorrow, haven't called me, or returned my call, or my email. I hate to start on the wrong foot but man, this is the way to do it - don't return my call if you really want me to think you're an idiot.

And then - after three months - if it's no better and I can't do it, I'm going to look into some kind of daycare/preschool option. I hate to do it to Kathleen, but then I think oh well, maybe she'd be better off in daycare. They don't get much more screwed up than Joseph and I have been home with him all this time.

I feel like such a failure, though. I am constantly amazed at how BAD I am at this job. If it were any other job, and I worked for me, I would have fired myself years ago.

The Business of Being Born

There's this new movie (I think it's new) coming out - The Business of Being Born. So far the trailer has made me cry while changing Kathleen's diaper and apologizing for birthing her wrong.

The thing is - I really was interested in having a midwife and going to a birthing center. My husband was not so into it. He used to say, "Sure, why go to a hospital where they have millions of dollars of equipment and where the doctors have had years and years of education when we could go to a birthing center where someone has taken a six week course". He was kidding and exaggerating, of course, but I took his point. I was of advanced maternal age and I honestly don't know if I could have gotten anyone to take me on as a patient - they act like you're poison or something.

So I got a doula and it ended up to be such a bad experience. She was with another patient for a long time and my husband and I just ended up going to the hospital. We had no idea what was going on, it seemed like my contractions were so close together and so intense (I'm sure it was nerves contributing to that feeling) we just went to the hospital. This was a *mistake* as the rotten resident doctor immediately starting saying that I couldn't have ice chips, I needed to have a fetal monitor on at all times, etc., etc. Then Joseph never did descend after like 24 hours and they said they had to do a c-section. Did they? I don't know. But man, that baby's heart rate starts going down and I do whatever they say. I wish that the doula had come to my house when I called her so that I could have labored at home for a while and been comfortable and drunk some damned water if I wanted and walked around or bounced on my ball or rocked in my rocking chair. Then maybe I wouldn't have had Pitocin and the epidural and maybe he would have come down. But maybe not. He has a remarkably large head and even with Kathleen, the doctor had to use suction on her gigantic noggin and that was for a scheduled c-section!

But I feel bad. I wish I were 10 years younger when I had my kids and they couldn't hold my age against me. I wish I were 10 years younger now because I distinctly recall needing less sleep when I was almost 30. I wish I wish I wish.

But do all doctors do unnecessary c-sections on patients because they only take 20 minutes? I talked to my doctor about Joseph's delivery and he said see? Women say they want 'natural labor' but no one wants 'natural' labor. Unmedicated labor, maybe, but not natural. I said I thought of that - I thought what if I went to a birthing center, or tried to have Joseph at home and then he didn't descend and his heart rate dipped? What if it was 100 years ago? My doctor said he probably would have died and maybe you would have died too. I can't really type that without crying. The thought of the baby dying because I wanted to have the kind of birth experience that *I* wanted to have is too much for me to think about. But maybe it was just a scare tactic?

I don't know - I hate to be a sucker to the medical community, but aren't we all, really?

Damn You, GSA

My GOD have I eaten a lot of GS cookies this year. Todd brought home a million boxes from his office and I have been just eating and eating them. It's too bad, because if I had a brain in my head, I would eat well while I'm breastfeeding and in this stage of postpartumness. I lost the weight I gained with Kathleen, and then some. My clothes fit better than they did when I got pregnant. So clearly I'm in a good place to drop weight but do I eat well? NOOO. I do work out, a little bit, because Kathleen likes to do aerobics when she's fussy. I hold her for it and she's my 11 pound weight. But still - too many Cookies, Corduroy, to quote one of our favorite books.

It is such a rotten vicious cycle. If I ate better and exercised more, I'd feel better and less tired. But I'm so tired and feel so bad most days, I don't want to eat better and I'm too tired to exercise. Ugh.

I will be FORTY this month. FORTY! That's how it feels, capitalized. I am planning to start a new regimen when I turn it. I'm going to try to eat like I ate when I had the gestational diabetes. After all, I did very well when I was pregnant - I didn't eat sugar, I ate a lot more vegetables, etc., because it was good for the baby. If I ate that way now, it would be good for ME, which would ultimately be good for both my children too right? I have a hard time making that connection.

I was talking to my SIL this weekend, she was saying what easy labors and births she had. She was TWENTY years younger than I was, I pointed out. Isn't that crazy? She is younger than I am and her oldest will graduate from high school this year (mine will turn three) and her youngest has started her first part time job (mine was born). I wouldn't have wanted to be as young as she is, but I wish I were a little bit younger.

Todd just left for work. I am hosting a playgroup here today, I like these girls that are coming over, they are my people. I have another playgroup and while I like the women that are in it, they are not my people. This is my poor playgroup, we all live in town, our houses are pretty small, some of us have part time jobs. My other playgroup, they all live in the suburbs in these giant houses, some of their husbands are doctors, their kids are in preschool more often, etc. The only think I really envy them is their attached garages.

We went to my MIL's this weekend. She is perfectly nice, as I've said (defensively) several times, but LORD are they country. Her husband drives me batty. This weekend he was holding Joseph up over his head and bonking his head on the ceiling. WTF? I know it wasn't hurting Joseph, he seemed to barely notice, but if it was my Dad doing it (which it wouldn't be), I'd say cut it out. They want to be called Mammaw and Pappaw. I really don't like it but what can you do? Well, what I did was try to ignore it, at first. I never say it and I would usually say to Joseph "go give this to your Grandmother" or something. But it HURT her FEELINGS so I had to stop. I still hate it, though.

We have no plans for this week, really. Playgroup today, playgroup Thursday. It is going to be warm today and it was warm yesterday, but tomorrow is going to be back in the 20's and maybe snow. I feel like this winter will never end, but it has to right? It will be spring on the calendar in just a few weeks and maybe that will be true.

What a random post - I wanted to get something down while I had the time but it seems like a bunch of claptrap!