Six Weeks

So, I am six weeks pregnant today. I think. I suppose it's possible that I got pregnant before I think I did but probably it's not likely, so let's go with six weeks. I think I mentioned that I lost like almost 30 pounds in the months preceding this event, and I swear to God, I would like to get in to the doctor and get weighed so someone will have a RECORD of this but I am eating for like 100 and I am afraid that I'm going to gain it all back before I get in to the doctor.

I'm afraid to go see her though. I know they are going to do an ultrasound and last time I went for my first 'dating' ultrasound the tech said, with a sigh, 'let's see how many are in there' when she started. It had never occurred to me that I might have TWINS but it scared the hell out of me then. I have a friend who had three kids, thought she'd have a fourth and ended up having twins, and then boom!, five kids! I'm not just scared of that, I'm scared in general. I hope everything is okay with this baby. I had a miscarriage between my first and second children and now until I get to ten weeks, which is when it happened, I am sort of nervous and disbelieving about the whole thing.

We haven't told anyone - well, I told my sister and a friend of mine who is in very similar circumstances to me. Todd told a good friend of his, but we haven't told our parents. I am so tired, though, and it's always a giveaway with me because I am a drinker, so I have just been lying low. But can I lie low for like six more weeks? My birthday is in four weeks, St. Patrick's Day, etc., people would wonder. Also I feel like a lazybones, telling people how I couldn't do something because I was too tired, or that I went to bed at 9:00.

I'm also afraid that people are going to judge me. I think *I* might judge me - I mean, I think I am. I have three kids under five and one has autism and ... I'm afraid I am a mess, and that everyone knows it. Sometimes I feel like I just wasn't built for this, that I am a bad mother and wife, that not everyone gets this crazy over this job. I'm afraid I'm going to tell people that we are expecting our fourth and people are going to be shitty and I just can't take it. I don't want the pregnancy besmirched by a shitty attitude, does that make sense? I feel very positive about it, I'm very excited about this new member of the family and I hope everyone feels the same way. People are ALWAYS going on and on to me about "are you having more kids?" and "you know, there are WAYS to prevent that!" and "do you have a television? A hobby?" So now I'm afraid that those same people are going to say things about how we could have PREVENTED this baby who actually exists now, and I just - I don't like the bad mojo involved.

But this is just one small part of it, at six weeks. Mostly at six weeks, I am tired, emotional, forgetful, and excited. We are thinking of baby names, well, just girl names, since we already have a boy name. I am thinking of how I can stretch my stretchy clothes through a pregnancy, since I gave away all of my maternity clothes. I am trying to drink enough water, eat some vegetables, and take my vitamin every night. I'm having crazy-ass dreams, which I totally forgot about. My breasts are gigantic and sore. I have to pee all the time. Crazy. I forget, every time, everything that happens.

News

I am pregnant again. It is BLOWING my MIND. I am not young, not anything but elderly, as far as babyhaving is concerned and I'm afraid at this stage, I might even be ADVANCED elderly. Oy. I am happy, as ever, every time I see that the test says positive, but man. I am shocked! From the looks of it, it would seem like my husband and I are having sex every spare minute but really? It's not that often. We did sort of take a chance last month, in that we had sex after I had my period but before I (thought I) ovulated. I can only assume that this is what is supposed to happen. I feel very optimistic for several reasons. They are:

1. Babies! Yay!

2. Another person to meet, as my husband says.

3. There are four in my family, and I like the sound of it.

4. It is forcing me to quit some bad habits, wine, occasional cigarettes.

5. Time off when in the hospital.

6. We have a bigger house now.

But I'm worried for several reasons, too. They are:

1. I just started losing weight and feeling good about myself.

2. I am so old.

3. I keep thinking I will get back to my life someday, get a job someday, and this just postpones it for another two years or whatever.

4. I'm worried, as usual, about the higher risk of birth defects, or autism, or whatever.

I'm trying to not worry about the worries, though. I keep thinking, generally, in my life, I try to believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. That I am ready for whatever happens. So I am going to try to go with that now, when it seems more important than ever. I'm trying but failing, story of my life.