Hey, Jealousy

So I was reading this post of Beth's the other day and I got so, so jealous. It has taken me a few days to process it. When I read the beginning of it, like this part:

Sometimes, I think this really sucks. That all I do is change diapers and wipe up puke and do laundry and then more laundry since the hampers are full again as soon as I empty them. And sometimes I want to say, no, you keep two children fed, clean, happy and entertained while stemming the endless tide of toys taking over ever inch of the floor and cooking dinner that at least half of the intended audience will refuse to eat while I go get my nails done or out for drinks or whatever it is I've decided to do with no thought to the impact on your life. Sometimes I get so fed up with being the default parent, so tired of being unable to even go to the bathroom, much less leave the house without making some level of arrangements for their care or well-being. Sometimes when the one kid spends the entire morning puking on my shirt and pants and the floor and the other kid spends the entire morning whining and telling me I may no longer use the pet name I have called her since birth, I can't help but see this as far more punishment than reward. Sometimes I want to quit, to let all the annoying and boring little bits of this life be someone else's problem, to not be the one who is somehow supposed to have all the answers when I don't even understand the questions.

I was like, hell, yeah, sister, sing it!. I feel this way a lot - I try not to be, but I am deeply resentful that Todd just goes out to work every day. He says he doesn't, but I picture him skipping down the sidewalk, happy to finally be gone from our insane asylum. *I* want to quit too, I was thinking, when I read this. I felt so not alone in the moment that I read that post.

Well. The first part of the post. Because the second part went like this:

And then sometimes, when I am rocking a warm, sleeping baby who I know will, with a minimum of prodding, soon be taking a totally reliable two-hour nap while listening to my daughter singing in her room; or when she says she wants to tell me a secret and whispers in my ear that she loves me very much or that I am pretty; or when I can't get the baby to nurse because all he wants to do is smile at me with rivulets of milk pouring out of his mouth and spilling over his chin; well sometimes I feel like this, right here, this is the best part. Sometimes I think these long, slow, hard days with these children are the happiest of my life.

So then I thought, oh. Uh-oh, I thought. My warm baby needs more than prodding, sometimes she needs to scream, loudly, in my ear for a while before she takes a nap and I don't think it's been two hours since she was like a week old. She nurses so, so badly during the day, she is fussy the whole time and I can barely get her to nurse for 10 minutes. On both sides! I can't get help though, since she is gaining weight just fine and is in fact large and healthy.

Not only does my son not tell me that I'm pretty, he never sings in his room, never speaks to me at all, and I am afraid sometimes that he never will. "I love you", I say to him. "Can you say, 'I love you, Mommy?'" I start to cry, a little. "Can you say, 'I love you?'", I say, signing it too. He never answers.

So I think, well, okay, clearly these are not the happiest parts of my life. Maybe the happiest parts are coming? And maybe my happiness doesn't matter so much. Maybe this is, like a friend of mine told me, really God's work, because it's completely selfless and sacrificial love. Maybe. But in the meantime, I am pea green with envy over here.

Gossip

Cause that's what it's for right? This site? To talk about other people with my neighbors?

I have three sisters in law, on Todd's side. I have one sister in law on my side. They are all nuts. Is this true or just me? I don't know.

Todd's sister Lynn has begun a lesbian affair. When we met, she was married to her high school sweetheart - and by that I mean that she got married at like 16 when she was pregnant with her first child. She had her second at like 18 and is now younger than I am and her kids are almost out of the house! She got divorced and her new boyfriend moved in seconds later. Then they broke up because he had gotten fired but didn't tell her and also told her he was still paying the rent. She found out about the lies when she got kicked out of her house. THEN they got back together, then they broke up again. Then this girl started showing up, like, everywhere. I figured she was a lesbian but Todd's stepfather said they were just friends. My inlaws were planning a trip to take our niece and nephew on for our nephew's graduation from high school, then all of a sudden my SIL was going AND her 'friend' was too. STILL no one was talking about how they were a couple. But then last weekend, my MIL told Todd that it was 'official'. It is so funny - I mean, Lynn would be the last person that I would have guessed would have an affair with a woman. I really do not think she is a lesbian - I mean, I have lesbian friends and I just ... I think she's not so much as a lesbian, as she is someone who wants to be in a relationship with this woman. But we'll see. I don't know what she's told her kids, if anything.

My other SIL, Todd's sister Leigh, is having a baby in July. When I met her, she was getting ready to have 'the surgery', as I've noticed some people call it. So she had a gastric bypass and lost a LOT of weight and then sort of went nuts with the drinking and the partying and the 'dating'. It's so heavy, I think - she never dated, ever in her life until she was like 30 something. So it was weird and we talked about it, that she was drinking a lot and sleeping with a lot of people. It wasn't where she wanted to be, she wanted to be in a relationship. And now she's got one. He came to Joseph's birthday party with his two kids and Leigh, last summer. Then he didn't go anywhere because he was on house arrest. Then she got pregnant. Then he got off house arrest and got a job, because before that, he was just living with Leigh and she was working two jobs. Ugh. I haven't heard from her since Joseph's birthday party last year, when she came to the party but didn't even bring a card for Joseph. I hate to be That Mom, but man - he's just a little kid! Thankfully, he's so little that he doesn't know from presents, so I am trying to take that attitude. It's hard though.

My other SIL is divorced and has three kids. She dates a lot and is a bodybuilder. She came to Joseph's birthday party two years ago all painted in tan paint before a shower. She asked for something to eat and took chicken from the can. This is weird right?

In Todd's family, no one ever says anything. His sisters could come and poop on the table during Christmas dinner and NO ONE would say a WORD. In my (superior, natch) family, we talk about things. It is so weird to me that no one ever talks about anything and no one ever introduces anyone to anyone. I was never introduced to Lynn's boyfriend and they were together for a few years! It's crazy, and it's taking some getting used to.

And in the meantime, I can only tell you guys. So don't rat me out, okay?

Hey!

Hey! You! Listen closely because I am not going to say it again - GO TO THE BATHROOM AT WORK! Do NOT walk in the door at 5:00 (I know 5:00 is really early and I do appreciate you leaving early to get home to us) and tell me that you have to go to the bathroom. *I* haven't gone to the bathroom all day - and if I did, I did so with a baby on my lap.

Hey! When the baby is fussy and crying, and you take her from me to 'help', do NOT sit down! You have to rock her and walk with her, you have to pat her bottom and put the pacifier back in at just the right time. I haven't sat down except for the toilet that one time ALL DAY. You are NOT a construction worker! You are a professional! You sit down ALL DAY. Don't sit down as soon as you take the baby, to 'help'.

Hey! If you get up in the night to go to that damned bathroom again, do NOT shake the bed so hard that it wakes me up. I JUST got back to sleep after feeding that baby.

Hey! Do not bring home candy bars from the grocery store because they were on sale! I am dieting! Ditto on the blizzards from DQ!

Hey! When your mom calls at 9:00 on a Sunday morning and says they were thinking of coming over in an hour or so, MENTION that it might be nice to hear from them, say, the day before. To get some notice.

Hey! Stop yawning! WHY are you so tired? You go to sleep at 10:00 and sleep, uninterrupted, until 6:30. Stop it!

Hey! I really do love and appreciate you - I KNOW you are better than a lot of husbands and fathers out there. So just BEHAVE and I won't have to post any more notices like this.

Love,
Your Wife