Song

Tonight I made up a new song, while I cleaned the toy room for the one millionth time.  It's for my husband and it goes like this:

You think you're mad at me, but I am mad at you
You stupid motherfucker!
You think you're mad at me, but I am mad at you
You stupid motherfucker!
You think you're mad at me, (you think you're mad at me)
But you are wrong, you stupid motherfucker!

It's kind of Old Lady Taylor Swift.

Impossible

So.  Let's say you have a job, or you're about to start a new job.  Let's say your old job was Mother of Three and your new job is Mother of Four.  It's a COMPLETELY different job and it changes every day, because the ages of your children will really affect the job.  Also, the times of year will affect the job.  Like, during the school year, your job will be easier because part of your job will be done by someone else for a few hours a day.  But during the summer and holidays your job will be harder because there will only be you to do your job AND your children will be MAD because they sort of like the other person that was doing some of your job better than they like you.  Also, sometimes you won't get to sleep in your job because the amount of daylight you see in a day will change and it will affect your children's sleep habits.  Sometimes, they will stay up super late and still wake up super early and get extremely grumpy and difficult from, oh, about noon on until bedtime.  So not only are you super tired, but everyone is grumpy and badly behaved.

Also they are LOUD.  Like maybe you used to work in a factory where OSHA would have been called in to protect your ears but this is louder, your four year old is louder.  And maybe your middle kids are struggling with some jealousy issues so when you take the baby for TEN LOUSY MINUTES to put her down for a nap, maybe the middle kids subconsciously but still purposely make a shitload of noise and wake up the baby seconds after she falls asleep.  Then the baby is grumpy because she can never nap.  Then she too sleeps badly at night because she is all janked up from not sleeping all day.

So.  You are losing your mind, say, and it's only JUNE.  And you have no one to talk to.  Because if you say it to anyone, you are not just bad at your job, but you are a bad mother.  You don't think you're a bad mother, but you are starting to think you are a bad and unlucky person.

In short - WORST.  JOB.  EVER.

Things that are Annoying Me

• driving and bad drivers - I have to go get Joseph every day at school and I feel like I see too much, like I drive for a LIVING or something.  I have to go into a very crowded area of town at the height of rush hour, and I always have the three girls with me, and ugh, ooh, it's a pain.  Every day I think, 'well this is it, this is the accident that will kill us'.  It's stress inducing.  
• Facebook.  Oh, Lord, save me from Facebook!  People who are never on Facebook will come on just to shame their friends about not voting or not voting the way THEY want them to.  The wrist slapping is insane, I mean really.  How is that social?  Would anyone do that at a party?  Show up late and start finger wagging:  "I voted today - DID YOU?"?  And not for nothing but it's a freaking primary, so shut up.  SHUT UP.  
• My kids and their weak immune systems and their strong vocal chords and tongues and mouths.  OH LORD the talking from my four year old would kill a strong man.  Lately I've been listening to comedians on Pandora and I find it really helps my mood.  It cheers me and reminds me of when I was a kid and we used to listen to comedy albums, like George Carlin and Bill Cosby.  But Kathleen can't stand to see me listening to something else, so she badgers me with questions when I am trying to listen.  
• Which brings me to my next point.  The other day, this mom I know posted on FB this link about "how to miss a c h i l d h o o d" and it was, of course, shaming.  Don't talk on the phone when you are with your kids, don't think of anything else, don't ever take your eyes off them, don't have ME time you selfish harpy, etc. etc. etc because - wait for it - that's How To Miss A Child Hood.  UGH.  Shut UP.  I mean, raise your kids however you want to but why do you have to tell me what to do?  I read this OTHER thing on Blogher about how this woman does NOT need me time, she doesn't need social time, she gets social time at playdates and can see her kids while she talks to other adults.  I just - I don't buy it.  It doesn't make sense to me - how is it enough for you to spend all your time with children when you are not a child?  Where does all the adult stuff go?  
• Toilet training.  Lucy is toilet trained, I'd say.  But she still will have moments where she just doesn't want to stop what she's doing and she will come to me and say solemnly, "I pee".  I can't wait until it's over.  Joseph is mostly trained, too, but it's a different kind of trained.  He just gets taken to the toilet a lot.  We are going back to the beginning on it and hopefully we'll get it worked out.  
• Oh, again with the Facebook.  A friend of mine posted about Betty Draper from Mad Men and I said I kind of feel for her.  I said it's boring now to be a housewife, let alone 40 years ago.  Some FRIEND of my FRIEND said, and I quote, "It doesn't have to be boring to be a housewife!!!!!!!  Whether it's 40 or 60 years ago!!!!!!!!".  Now.  I don't want to throw down with this asshole but rilly, shut it.  I can't believe she didn't just tell me that bored people were boring or something equally pithy.  Of course I don't mean boring.  I mean isolating.  Soul sucking.  Hard.  Unappreciated.  But whatever, lady!!!!  Enough with the exclamation points!!!!!  

Things that are making me happy

• The weather is good, not that it was ever bad, really, this winter, but it's summer time now and I like it.  
• Todd and I are going away for two nights which we haven't done for two years.  I hate to leave the baby but I think it's important to get away.  It's been a long seven months since she's been born.  Ha, it's been a long seven YEARS since Joseph's been born.  
• The girls are through with preschool as of next week.  I am hopeful we can have a somewhat laid back summer.  
• The baby is super cute.  She is sitting up and eating some and she had tubes put in after six ear infections in six months and she's doing great.  I didn't even realize how draining it was (ha ha, draining) for her to be so sick until she got better.  It's a relief beyond words.

I should just get off Facebook but I can't stand not knowing.  I always think, well I'll make one tiny comment and then some jerk has to go and ruin it.  I don't know if I'll make it through the Presidential election.  

I think Marriage is Bullshitty

I guess I don't think Marriage is bullshitty but I think the tit for tat, who did what, no I DIDN'T use a tone of voice when I said that thing is bullshit. Maybe I think marriage and CHILDREN are bullshitty.

First things first, it's a girl! Her name is Rose. Well it's not Rose but that's what we're calling her. I mean, that's what I'm calling her here. Anyways. She's fine, she's almost FIVE months old, she's very sweet and sleeping well and although we had some problems with nursing and sickness in the beginning, it's been just swell.

Last night her two sisters were both up. I guess Lucy is getting sick, but MY GOD it's a slow burning sickness! Sunday she was badly behaved and tired, Monday she threw up one time and today she has a very runny nose. That's it! But she was up last night, Kathleen was up in the night, LORD LORD am I tired all the time. And I guess maybe I'm paranoid.

I never feel like I'm doing enough. Todd had to go up to Joseph tonight, and I asked if he needed help but he said NO in a sad panda voice, which I hate. So I thought eff it, I'll go up and go to bed anyway, I'm tired and over all of it. Then he came down and asked me about it and, when pressed, I told him, I think you're a little dramatic. But it turns out I was WRONG. I feel like I am always wrong and I think am I? It's possible. It's possible I could be paranoid, feeling like I'm not pulling my weight, and projecting that on him. But I do think he's a little dramatic. There is a lot of sighing and tongue clicking that goes on around here.

He yelled at Lucy tonight because she beaned Joseph in the head with a brush. I mean, he sort of screeched and I ran downstairs. I thought she had done something to the baby, like boiled her in oil or something! So I mentioned it, when trying to make my point about being overly dramatic, and he said I yell at them all the time and I of all people should understand. And I could feel my heart breaking a little because - I don't! I mean, I yell, I do my share of yelling, but it is not until VERY late in the day or week, usually. I pray CONSTANTLY for patience so that they don't have a memory of me screeching or yelling at them. He was home for like 30 minutes when he yelled at Lucy!

Don't compare me to you, I want to say. We are not the same because we are both parents. I am home with these fuckers all day long. Alllll day long! I hate it. I hate fighting and I hate keeping score and I hate being so tired and I hate doubting my own sanity. I hate it. And it's only Tuesday!

Two Weeks

I am in such a countdown mode, I can't help it. I can't help but wanting pregnancy to be over. I hate it. HOW I HATE IT.

Litany:

• I have heartburn all the time.
• I have the wickedest cold with the wickedest cough I've ever had.
• I can take exactly NOTHING for it.
• I went to the med check today just to be sure I didn't have pneumonia (I don't). She said I had a 'bad' URI, except not an infection, just a virus. I know it's better to not need antibiotics, but just like with my kids, I wish it were something fixable, just the same.
• I couldn't see the doctor last week. They are making us see everyone in the practice and every time I've seen a different doctor, I've had to wait in excess of like 30 minutes. It burns my ASS to wait longer than the appointment is going to take. So last time I left and I canceled my appointment this week, because it was with another doctor.
• But then I had high blood pressure - not super high, 142 over ... 78 or something but not great, certainly higher than it's been. So I called to make an appointment to see my doctor and FIRST the girl said that she'd 'try to figure out who I could see' and THEN, when I said I wanted to see MY doctor, she said, all snooty, that I was supposed to see my doctor anyway, here at 38 weeks. Whatever. Now I'm going on Friday. So I just ... hope the blood pressure isn't indicative of pre eclampsia or something? Mmmmkay.
• I am so tired.
• My back hurts.
• I can't sleep.
• My husband keeps telling me how it's SO CLOSE and it's not.
• I am a wussy. I can't take chronic pain.
• I know that if I weren't pregnant and I had such a cold, I'd just glug Nyquil straight from the bottle and sleep and sleep.
• I can't wait to go to the hospital and meet this baby AND not be pregnant anymore.
• I'm scared nursing is going to hurt since it's been so long since I've done it.
• I'm scared the baby isn't going to be okay.
• I'm scared it's going to be a boy and a) have to be circumcised and b) have autism.
• I'm scared I can't do it. Four kids. FOUR KIDS. ONE OF THEM IS KATHLEEN! She crazy!
• My parents are leaving town to be snowbirds when this baby is five days old.

On the plus side:

• I can do this, I've done it before.
• If I had pre eclampsia, it would probably present with other symptoms, right?
• Who cares if this baby has autism? We should probably cross that bridge when we come to it. Ditto: circumcision.
• I know this cold will go away the second the baby is born.
• Less than two weeks is less than two weeks, it is kind of soon.
• My parents drive me crazy anyway, who cares if they're not here.
• New baby! New person!

Here we are again

I'm eight weeks away from having this baby and I truly feel like I am going to kill someone. I feel like such an asshole, because I have relatively easy pregnancies. It's not hard for me to get pregnant. I am grateful for my husband and kids, I really am! I know how lucky this makes me. But - my God. Everyone is conspiring, I feel, to drive me mad before I have this next baby.

MY HUSBAND

I don't know what I expect. I know that I am unrealistic. I just - I wish that he would work on being well-rested so that he could take over some of my duties AND not be so freaking TIRED about it. Like, I had to work last night and I had to work late - it's only every four weeks that I have to close, and this is the last time I'll have to do it for a long time, since I'm only working two more weeks, but he didn't go to sleep until after 11:30. So then I got home at 2:00 and slept until 7:00, I had worked for nine hours at the END of the day, and I was exhausted this morning when we all got up to get ready for church. I went and laid down when the younger two took a nap and I fell asleep so hard it almost didn't feel good, you know how that is? Like I was DROOLING, ugh. Anyways, I finally woke up and I was super discombobulated, it was almost worse that I laid down at all, which I should have remembered. Anyway, I get up and I'm trying to do stuff and he is, like, falling asleep in the chair. I said, why don't you go up and lie down for a while and he's all 'no, no I couldn't possibly'. And I think, silently, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU WOULD JUST GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR! Through the week, he is always asleep by 10:30 at the latest. So why stay up late because I have to stay up late? The 'fairness' of marriage turns into a tit-for-tat so fast I don't even know how it happened.

Also I am still mad that he ruined by baby girl name. Also I know I am being ridiculous. I KNOW.

MY SON

I actually have no complaints about him - he has such hard, hard sensory issues and autism and despite that we have really made progress with toilet training. It feels miraculous.

MY DAUGHTERS

Ugh. Stop dropping things on the floor! STOP IT! I am at the point where I make an 'unnnh!' sound every time I bend over and pick something up and I hate it, it makes me feel weak and babyish. Unfortunately for me, these finks drop every single thing in the house on the floor. Sometimes they put STICKERS on the floor, so I have to spend a LOT of time down there. Sometimes I give up and sit on the floor and then one of them FLINGS themselves at me and I am stuck playing, which I don't want to do, but I JUST got down there and I can't muster the energy to get back up and get away.

MY OB'S OFFICE

Oh these rat bastards. Every single time I have had a baby, and this is the fourth, they screw with me at the end. With my first, I had to PEE into a HAT for 24 hours and keep it COLD so they could make sure I didn't have pre eclampsia. Now here's the thing, I know it's no joke. I know! But my blood pressure was high, they said, and it totally wasn't. It was like a few points higher than the week before, and since then I've had higher bp's than that and no one has said a word. With my second, I had diabetes so I had to come in for non-stress tests once a week or something. The last time, I was like 38 weeks, and they made me wait for an hour for this test, so I just said I had to leave. I mean, I had another kid at home, the test can take a long time, if the baby is not 'cooperating', and I had just had it. I swear to God, there was a point where I thought they were going to call security or something and MAKE me wait there. I said, I'm leaving and I will be back when it's time to have this baby, you people are driving me crazy!, and I was, crazy, but it was their fault. With my third, I mentioned (like a dumbass) to my OB that I hardly ever felt the baby move. I had an anterior placenta, so this wasn't uncommon, but man, they whooshed me down to maternal fetal medicine and I had to get a bio physical profile and then take non-stress tests every two days or whatever the hell. I went back for ANOTHER ultrasound and I waited ANOTHER hour and then I left. I called the nurse and I said I can't sit around waiting for these dumbbells to see how my baby's doing, sorry! I have two other kids, that are OUT of the WOMB who I have to go home to. The nurse was like, um, when can you come back? I said, how about never? How about I just see you when the baby is going to be born, since she is due next week anyway? She said, and I will never forget this, okay, but if you have any trouble this weekend, call the doctor. Um. Okay. OK, you jerk, I will. I will call my OB if I feel that I am having anything wrong with the baby! GOD! Who WOULDN'T?

So now this time, I called for my 30 week checkup appointment, since I have to start going every two weeks now. The receptionist said "ok, it's time for you to see Dr. Whoever". My OB's office is making you see everyone in the practice now, they didn't used to. I am having a scheduled c-section so it's so stupid, but I am COMPLYING. But I said, oh no, my OB wants me to see her this time, she told me. This was, contrary to what the dumbass receptionist thought, the TRUTH. So we went back and forth, I said that I was supposed to have an ultrasound too since I am measuring big (I always measure big because of poly hyrdrosis, but I'll also always taken an ultrasound) and finally she said the NURSE would have to call me BACK. I said, you do whatever you need to, sister, because by then I was getting a little HOT. These are the same JERKS who sent me ROUND and ROUND when I said that I was scheduling my glucola test early because my DOCTOR said TO. I had to talk to 10 different people in order to take the test at 24 weeks instead of 28. Who, I ask you, WHO would want to take that test? They acted like I was asking for extra dessert or something.

Anyways, the nurse called back to schedule the appointment but of course I was out and now I have been trying to call back for a week but every time I call - and I mean every single time - I get a recording that says they are experiencing high call volume, that I have to wait, and then I have to leave a message. Every time! All day Friday I got this message. So I finally left a message, saying that I needed to make an appointment and that I had seriously gotten SPRINGSTEEN tickets through TICKETMASTER more easily than I could make this damned appointment. I haven't heard back, I'm sure they hate me, but I don't give a SHIT. They are really going to hate me when I RAIL against them to my doctor. I swear, I want to just not go back, I want to just show up for my c-section in 8 weeks and be all, hi, I've been SUPER busy, but I'm ready to have the baby. But of course I can't because I'm scared and they know it. How I hate them.

I guess that's it. I hate my parents too and I hate myself for hating them when they are all so good to me.

I do not hate the new baby, I can't wait to meet him or her. This is the MOVIEST baby I've ever had. Kicking, and kicking and rolling and kicking, alll the time. It's so exciting here at the end. I just can't wait to see him. Or her. I know I'm insane because at this stage I can't even wait to start nursing and I really hate it, ha!

Rough

Today my husband took the three kids out for the morning so I could have some time to myself. He had to go to church first so I had to get up at the normal time and then get everybody ready and then they left. I went to church and then to run some errands and then I went home and lay on the couch, trying to 'relax' and maybe to 'nap', although it didn't go well.

I feel a lot of pressure when gifts like this are given to me, to appreciate them in some immediate way, and I fail to appreciate them. I mean, I was glad to have some time alone. Usually I go to church and I'm fretting the whole time, worried that Joseph is having tantrums, that the girls are being difficult, basically that it's going like it goes for me whenever I am alone with the three of them. But - it's hard to appreciate it and just be all better. I feel really sad and hormonal and worried a lot of the time. I don't sleep well, my hands keep falling asleep in the night and I always have to pee, blah blah blah first trimester woes, and then I wake up so SAD, like so dejected and depressed. It takes me a while to shake off the night.

I hate Sundays, I want a break, I want things to be easier. I have been bitching about the weather being so cold and today it's like 85. What in the what? 85? Where is spring? It was like 40 for a high last week and now it's almost 90? I KNOW I complained about winter, I KNOW it was hard to have an ice storm that lasted a month, but man. I'm sorry! Can it just not be summer right away? I'm not even that pregnant and I'm already dreading the actual summer, sheesh.

This is a real bitchfest, huh? I don't mean it to be, I hate to sound so - to BE so unhappy. But that's just how it is right now. It is very difficult for me to not be sad when my son is so sad. I know it will get better, I tell HIM all the time it will get better, but when? WHEN? I try to think of others, I try to think of the Japanese, about mothers in third world countries who have to really worry about their children. I try to count my blessings but mostly I just want to lie on the couch and watch tv and feel sorry for myself.

Tomorrow I am going to exercise in the morning. I am hoping that if I start to do something different in my life, maybe my life will be different? We shall see.

In baby news, all is well. I'm seeing the doctor for my monthly checkup this week, so that should be fun. I still can't think of a name that I like. Lucky for me I have plenty of time.