Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mommie Dearest

Oh, my mother. I could go on and on. And I will! :) Our relationship has really shifted, as has everything else in my damned life, in the last five years since I got married and started having kids. Also, our relationship has gotten kind of weird in the last two years or so, since she and my Dad started going to Florida for half of the year. They are SO WEIRD about it. They are almost 70, and maybe this happens to everyone's parents but man. My Dad has always been a quiet person and my mom the gregarious one. NOW, in Florida, my Dad is like this crazy ass golfer, who plays with strangers and goes for walks with his best friend, this guy he used to work with. It's bizarre. My mom is busy busy busy, too, she takes swim classes and plays mahjong and - ugh - it's endless. She, like, never calls me, rather she emails me this BULLSHIT political claptrap and chicken soup for the soul and just - ugh - those cannot count as correspondence!

When she is in town, we talk quite a bit. I will never EVER forget how she used to come over when Joseph was a baby and would scream for hours and hours and hours. I would just call at like 11:00 at night or something and not even say anything and she'd say "Hello? I'll be right there". And she'd show up ten minutes later and take that baby and hold him and let me sleep. One night she sat in a chair holding him from 11:30 til 5:00 the next morning, it was the most sleep I had gotten in months. I will never forget it or be able to repay her for it.

BUT she still drives me mad! She has always been a kook, way too involved in my life, way too opinionated about everything, never having any respect for my decisions, etc. But now that she is a Floridian, it seems like she doesn't care at all about me or what happens and it's so much harder to take than her being overinvolved. I had no idea it would feel like this, but it's very hurtful.

When she is home, she watches the kids whenever I want, at least one night a week and it is beyond helpful. BUT she is always late. ALWAYS. She used to come over to 'help' in the afternoons, and more than half the time, she'd fall asleep on the couch. This is not helpful!

Ugh. Her mom died when she was young and my sister and I have discussed the fact that our mom seems to not know how to be a mom to adult daughters. Also, she and my Dad seem to have this "we raised our kids, now we just want to bask in the sun and be left alone" attitude, which is FINE, I mean, I agree, they did work hard and they were excellent parents and I am glad they can enjoy their retirement but man. I feel like I get the short end of the stick because I had kids later than my brothers.

Also? She leaves ridiculous messages on my voice mail, when she calls. I call her all the time and her cell phone is turned off - because she is charging it. I have told her endless times, she does NOT have to turn off her phone to charge it, but my Dad has told her that she has to (not that he knows anything) and so she does. She'll leave it off all day or until I track her down on my Dad's phone or something. Then she'll call me, at dinner time or bed time or some time when everyone in my world knows is not a good time to call and she'll leave just this on the message, in a VERY strident tone:

"TRYING TO REACH YOU AGAIN! I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN LATER. SIGH. SIGH".

And I think who would answer that message? You can't even use a full sentence on your message? STOP calling me at bedtime! Grrr.

We have had major issues about Joseph and the fact that he is autistic. My mom is a sucker and wants to get in to all these REASONS that he could be autistic. She thinks VACCINES are the cause and that JENNY MCCARTHY is a DOCTOR or something. Ugh. She sends me one million links from World Net Daily, with this NONSENSE about how (and I am not kidding) soy milk can make young boys gay. I mean - really? What am I supposed to do with that information? Every link she sends takes me to some website that has like 100 fonts with blinking text and all this nonsense.

So. Clearly I have major issues with my Mommy but she is coming back soon and I can't wait. I always have high hopes that we won't argue about things, that it will all go well, and then it all falls apart about 20 minutes into every visit. You could almost set your watch by it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

On Husbands

God I am so mad lately at my husband. Ninety five percent of the time, he is FINE, he is more than fine, he is PERFECT. He is unselfish and patient, with both me and the kids, he does way more than his fair share around here, he is perfect. But the things that make up the other five percent of him seem to make me the craziest when I am pregnant or crazy, or both. Like now.

I am having a hard time of it here lately, I admit it. Last night he shut the door on my foot, which he is sort of likely to do - he is kind of unaware of the people around him and can be clumsy. I didn't care, really, but then he didn't say one thing! Not I'm sorry, or piss off, or get your big foot out of the way, NOTHING. So I said hey, you shut the door on my foot and he said I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you. Isn't that weird? Not to just say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that I closed the door behind you? What the hell is that?

Then this morning I am upset. I slept badly, largely because of that effed up apology last night, and also because I can't sleep on my back, side, side, or belly, and I am grumpy this morning. I am TRYING to get over it but I do not look forward to any day here lately - Kathleen is very grumpy and has to go down for her first, teensy, short nap by like 8:30, leaving me no time to do anything except get dressed, Joseph is crazier than ever, I'm tired and short tempered, etc. I said how I was going to have to reschedule my next OB appointment, because of Todd's work schedule, I would have to take the kids with me and I just can't. They are just not the kind of kids I can take to a doctor's appoitntment. I don't have any babysitter options, it's the middle of the day, etc., etc. Todd asked me if there was a way that I could make it for Friday of that week, because he was planning on taking that day off anyway.

Now. I asked him about this yesterday, I said that I made the appointment for a time that I couldn't go and I was concerned about it. He told me that he was unable to leave work that day. Did he mention that he PLANNED to take off a whole day that week? No! Why, I asked him, do you squirrel away information like that? That is the week of Joseph's school break so I am already miserable about it, it would mean a lot to me if he could be home with me. WHY wouldn't you tell me that? He said he just thought of it. I said you just now, just this morning, thought of it? Well no, he said, he thought of it yesterday but then he forgot to tell me.

How I hate people who think "I forgot" means that that automatically makes it okay, somehow. To me, "I forgot" is just shorthand for "I don't care enough to tell you". I forgot? Do I forget to change the kids diapers? To feed them? To go get them when they are crying? I FORGOT? What does that mean?

Then he got very UPSET. He got sort of very sad and emotional. I can't help but think on some level that this is manipulative. He does it a lot - if I have a sore back, he has a sore back AND NECK. If I get a cold, he gets a cold and a VERY SORE THROAT. If I'm tired, he's EXHAUSTED. GOD. I can't believe that I am having my third baby here soon and also taking care of this 40 year old baby, too.

I am hoping this is just pregnancy madness. The bad thing about pregnancy madness, for me, is that it feels really real.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Hot Button Issues

Is this a theme? C1 talked about her hot button issues and I commented but I thought I'd write about mine here, why not.

I get very annoyed by many, many things, and I am trying to be better about it. Last night I had to go to the drugstore because I needed soda and just ... crap and it was Sunday night and I figured the drugstore would be my best bet. We live in the city so there is not a Target or good grocery store right nearby. It was kind of horrible at the drugstore, it was packed and they didn't have a lot of the things I wanted. I have the gestational diabetes again with this baby - or I should say I was very very borderline on the one hour test and I opted not to take the three hour - I don't see the point of going in and wasting three hours when I could just test at home and eat right and exercise. The nurse at my ob's office seemed sort of shocked about this but seriously? I do not have three hours and it's not like I'm going to be doing anything I shouldn't be doing anyway, eschewing dessert and white food and being sure to exercise a bit every day. So anyway. I wanted sugar free antacids and they had none. I wanted diet and caffeine free soda and they had NONE. NONE. There were crazy people on line, talking and talking to me and carrying in food that they found on the street and running out of money, etc., etc. and I was just over it. I was telling Todd about it when I got home and he said well, they're not going to change, so maybe you should, to be happier. Which is good advice. Annoying but good.

SO. I'm trying not to get mad at people for things they can't control, or for things that *I* deem annoying but are not to everyone. I know I can be a bitch and I'm tired and stressed out most of the time so I have to take myself with a grain of salt.

BUT I have had it with my MIL. Yesterday she was going to come up and see the kids. She had called the previous Saturday for Sunday and we already had plans. So she asked if she could come over THIS Sunday and she called on Thursday to confirm. I think it shocked her to the core that we could have made plans and she couldn't just swoop in like normal. Anyway, she called Saturday night but didn't leave a message so Todd called her yesterday to be sure everything is okay and she wanted to know if she could bring our nephew, who was DYING to see the kids (ha ha, he never even looks at the kids, he just uses our computer or texts the whole time he's here and I don't blame him - he is 16). Anyway, he had a friend with him so could he bring him too? So Todd said no, this comes up EVERY TIME. We have kind of a small house, it's a row house and it's like basically two rooms downstairs. Joseph can be kind of strange with new people, including my MIL, who is new every time she comes. WHY would I want to put him in a situation where he's uncomfortable? Or, and this is probably an unfounded fear, but I don't know this teenage boy at all, what if he was to make fun of Joseph? Or find it amusing how Joseph self-stims? I just am not up to it. Also, if you want to come and see the kids, COME AND SEE THE KIDS. Every single time there is some sort of extra thing involved. This is why I am never having my MIL stay over anymore - every time she does, like if we wanted to stay out overnight, or do something late, or something, she brings EVERYONE she knows, it feels like. Last time her husband couldn't come because he was working on a Saturday, so he came up here at 7:30 Sunday morning. SEVEN THIRTY. No one seems to think it's weird but me.

Todd definitely tells her that she can't bring strangers to the house but he doesn't like to. Plus she knows it's me that's saying no, and yesterday she barely spoke to me. Sigh. I do not know what to do about it. Todd doesn't like to say no to people, he says, as if - I mean, who does? Who LIKES confrontation and making people unhappy? Nobody. I am just willing to do it for the greater good and he's not. Anyway. That is frustrating to me and, I think, at the core of my issue with people not recognizing that our life is different because Joseph has autism. It's not BAD, I'm not JUDGING it, but I just want to call a freaking spade a spade and say we have to consider what is going to happen a little more than someone with a typical child.

God I am really babbling here so I'll stop. Hot button indeed!