Five Years Gone

The other night Todd and I were talking about time and I said that if a fairy godmother of some kind flew into my house tonight and said she could POOF make the next five years disappear - that I could wake up tomorrow and it would be five years later, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Todd seemed kind of hurt. He said he wouldn't want to be five years older tomorrow. But I don't care, I am not taking it back. If I could make the monitors be gone? And if everyone was born and sleeping and ... maybe off to school, or closer to it? I would do it. If I could know what is going to happen with Joseph, and know if he is going to get 'better' and maybe go to a regular school? I would take it, I would, I wish it could happen. I'm so tired and I keep saying it and I'm so sick of myself! Maybe in five years, I'd be thinner? Happier? Maybe not, though - that would be a drag!

What do you all think? Am I crazy? Would any of you take the five year deal?

Away

I was watching some show on Veteran's Day and they had all these military wives and mothers on and I was feeling like a big baby. Some of these women had five and six kids and their husbands were gone to Iraq or Afghanistan! I don't like it when Todd is home like FIVE minutes later than I expect him!

But then I was reading one of the thousands of blogs I read a week and it seemed like several were talking about how these women's husbands were just ... going away. Away to run a marathon, away to go hunting, away to just get away and I think there is no way I could stand that. I don't mean to be all - bitchy? mean? one upping? but I am no longer running in races, I am no longer going to the gym, for God's sake. My life has changed dramatically since I've had these children and shouldn't his?

I want my husband to enjoy his life, I do. I suppose I'm lucky because my husband doesn't want to go away on weekends to hunt or fish or run or whatever. But if he did it would be a major issue. I just feel like these years right now are about being home with these children. I am home all the time with them and it's a handful, of course. Todd told me the other day if I wanted to, I should go and do something this weekend. Since Kathleen isn't nursing anymore, hardly, he said I could be gone all day! I said thanks but if I had a whole day to myself I would want to sleep and where can I do that? A bed showroom? It simply isn't done! :)

I feel like a judgmental old biddy, getting mad on behalf of my friends and women who I don't even know about their husbands leaving them. Maybe it's fine. Maybe they think it's great. I just can't imagine it. But I'm trying.

Dramatic

Can I say something without being overly dramatic? I swear it's not a cry for help or anything. It's just something that I've been thinking about lately.

I am all wound up lately, of course, pregnant, tired, 10 month old still not sleeping, tired, son with autism and school driving me mad, etc., etc., tired, you know the drill. It's always something right? Lately I have been thinking I would have to kill myself to get out of this.

I do not mean that I am thinking about suicide - the how and the where and the how, not at all! I just - I'll be having a really shit day and Joseph is having a giant screaming tantrum and it's making Kathleen yell and then Joseph wants Kathleen to stop yelling so he tries to pop her in the mouth and I am sitting on the floor, and I think oh my God, how can I get out of this? It's too much. I'm too tired. I can't do it for 18 years, I can't! I think the only way to get away from these people would be to kill myself.

And then I feel better. Because I don't want to die. This, although it can really suck sometimes, is better than the alternative. So maybe that's what people mean when they say about getting older, 'it's better than the alternative!'. Maybe?

Again, I am not trying to be dramatic. It's just something that has been pervading my thoughts lately and I wanted to write it down here in a safe place.