So I went to the new doctor's office and it wasn't too bad. I mean, it was fine, it didn't take too long to get there, it was nice and clean, and it's across the street from the hospital where I'll be delivering. I was only seeing the NP, and my appointment was for 11:15. At 11:45, sitting in the room, having only accomplished filling out scads of paperwork and giving a clean catch urine sample (which actually was a hell of an accomplishment, since I had Kathleen with me and she is a PAIN), I called Todd and said that I hadn't been seen yet. I guess 30 minutes isn't that long to wait? Or something? The NP came in as soon as I called Todd and she said how are you? I said I'm fine but this is my first visit to this office and I'm trying to tell if it's going to be this long of a wait every time. She looked surprised - and at her watch - and said I thought your appointment was at 11:30? I thought I was doing pretty good!

Sigh. I'm sure she did think it was good that I 'only' waited for 15 minutes. But I was holding Kathleen, trying to feed her Cheerios and keep her busy, she pushes against me the whole time I'm holding her, it's hard and waaaaah! I know I'm whiny. I just wish that we didn't just accept that doctors are going to run late, that we should feel so happy and grateful that they even BOTHER to see us that we should never say anything. Ugh.

It ended up to be fine, she was very nice and I just got over myself. She went through my history, decided I should have an ultrasound the next week because it's hard to believe that I got pregnant after just one period, I guess, also I was charting and know I got pregnant really late in my cycle. Which I clearly know nothing about, yet.

I am always up for an ultrasound, so I went in last week for one. The tech said that I should be 6 weeks 6 days but I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days, which actually makes sense, given the date of conception. I mentioned that I was breastfeeding and the tech said "you have to stop!" kind of alarmed like that. I said, blubbering already, what? What? WHY? I said my daughter doesn't take a bottle. She said, and I am not kidding, that breastfeeding causes the uterus to contract and "you don't want to lose the baby". She also said "she'll eat when she gets hungry".

Now. This is not to offend any ultrasound techs out there but they are not, as far as I know, freaking doctors and should not really be dispensing medical advice like this, especially in this threatening manner. When I was done with the tech (who said I have to come back for another ultrasound in two weeks because of my advanced maternal age), I asked the woman at the desk if I could have my doctor (whom I have not yet met) call me so I could talk about this breastfeeding thing. The woman said I could speak to the nurse, which was fine by me, and I did. The nurse said that sometimes it can be hard to keep up with the nutritional requirements of nursing and tending to a new baby at the same time, but there is a lot of controversy over whether or not it's bad for the new baby to breastfeed the old one.

So I came home and we've tried to give Kathleen a bottle but she is UNinterested and frankly, so am I. I'm having an ultrasound next week and then I'm seeing my doctor two weeks after that and I hope and pray everything's okay but what can I do? I just don't want to starve Kathleen to force her to drink formula. She has her nine month appointment this week and I'll talk to her doctor about it and maybe we can get her on a cup of milk at 11 months? She's not great with a bottle, a sippy cup, or a real cup but she does the best with a real cup at this point.

I can't wait to hear what the doctor says about it. If she says she thinks it's okay with me to keep breastfeeding I'm going to tell her that I think she should tell her fat mouth tech that, too.

New Doctors and Why I Hate All of Them

So I called a new doctor's office today. I am only about six weeks pregnant but I figured I should. I had a baby, then a miscarriage, then a baby, so I don't know if they will want to see me early like they did when I was pregnant with Kathleen but I figure I better check. When I had the miscarriage, after Joseph, I was trying to go with a new doctor. My first appointment was the day after I had the miscarriage and they were so awful - even though I said I suspected I had a miscarriage (and I wasn't entirely sure plus I was hopeful, which seems dumb now) they still made me go over the billing and the freaking delivery options. Then I HATED the doctor and she made me wait like six weeks to have a D&C, it was really an awful experience and when I got pregnant with Kathleen, I ran back to my old doctor. I'm sure I thought I could avoid having another miscarriage by just going back to where I had a healthy pregnancy.

But the thing is, I hate the hospital. I hate the practice, I have to wait SOOOOO long for appointments and now, with Kathleen, this will be even harder. I had several ultrasounds with Kathleen and I had to wait like an hour for each of them. I am trying to avoid it. Also I want to go to a nicer hospital - I don't need to go to the freaking Ritz or anything but I just want to go somewhere that's a little ... cheerier. And where the rooms are a teensy bit bigger so I don't feel like when it's Todd and me and a teensy little baby that it's suffocating.

SO. I looked on my insurance for a female doctor who delivers at this nice hospital which is not close to me, necessarily, but I figure if I don't have to wait an hour for every appointment, I'll be saving time. I called today and the girl wasn't that nice. I live in the midwest, even though I am not from here, and I am forever waiting for some of this hospitality I hear so much about. The girl was kind of cold. She said the doctor's nurse will call me back to schedule an appointment and I am hoping the nurse is nicer. I mean, I don't expect anyone to say "Congratulations! Pregnant!? What a novel and amazing thing this is, here at the OB/GYN's office!" but, like, I said I needed an appointment and she said the doctor was scheduling for December. I said oh, well I'm pregnant so I don't think that would work. She said Oh, well that's different, if you're pregnant. I said sorry I didn't mention it, I can barely get my head around it myself. And she said nothing. Which is awkward. But whatever, I am just hoping the nurse is nicer and if she's not maybe the DOCTOR will be nicer.

Todd and I talked this morning about what we were nervous about. I said I was nervous about the health of the baby. I am nervous that I will have another autistic baby. Or that I will have a Down's baby. Or, you know, anything. Todd said he's been nervous about where we'll PUT the baby! I wish that was my worry. Because I already know, I am going to put the baby in the closet. We have a big walk in closet and a portable crib and I am going to get a nicer mattress for it and then put that baby in there. Kathleen will only be 17 months old so she won't be ready for a bed, I don't think, so into the closet for our Number Three.

I'm also nervous that the doctor is going to really push these damned tests on me. I don't like to get them - they're so slanted negative for someone my age, I just don't want to be put in a position where they want me to have an amnio. I'd rather not, so I like to just skip it altogether and in the past I have had some opposition from well meaning doctors on this. So I hope this doctor's not like this. But who knows? Can I be not too picky because of my advanced age? I was actually afraid that the scheduling lady was going to say "sorry, you're too old" when I said my birth date. I have a friend who could *not* find a doctor to take her because she was high risk. I hope this isn't the case with me, I'll have to go right back to my first doctor and the waiting.

But we are getting so excited! Baby Names! And I kiss Kathleen's head and I think ohhhhh. I'll have a whole nother head to kiss in just eight months.

Holy Crap

I have never been so glad to have a secret apartment in my life.

I am pregnant. I cannot believe it. We are Natural Family Planners but we are also Really Dumb. I mean, I have only had one period since I had Kathleen, and so we started filling out my chart and taking my temperature and everything. BUT it doesn't matter, really, when you're nursing - or when I'm nursing, anyway. It was day 20 which seems late right? But like a day or two after (and this is probably TMI but I just keep going over and over it in my mind) I thought 'hmmm, that seems like .. mucus. Hmmm. Should there be mucus? At this late stage?' Apparently not.

So we are freaking out, I mean, we are happy, it is always a happy thing for us but WOW. Joseph is autistic, Kathleen is 8 months old, we only have three bedrooms and there is no way Joseph can share one. I mean, maybe he will be able to? If he gets a little better? For now, we are planning on getting a new car in the next 8 months, and setting up our portable crib in our walk in closet and moving the clothes there... somewhere. Oh Lord, Lord, what the hell is going to happen to us?

BUT. Even freaking out? I feel so happy, in a way. I smell Kathleen's head when I pick her up from a nap and I think oh wow, another one. I could maybe do it again.

I am now praying that everything is okay. I am high risk because I am FREAKING FORTY years old, I had GD with Kathleen, and I am crazy. I am hoping to get a new doctor this time but will anyone even take me? And old thing like myself? Ooh I'm excited and nervous and scared. Can I keep nursing for the next three months? Kathleen will not take a bottle and she's not great with a cup, yet. Does anyone know about nursing while pregnant? Pregnant. Pregnant.

Holy crap.

Yet Another Meme

I have a friend who is always posting these. I am addicted.

1. My uncle once took me to One if by Land, Two if by Sea. I always laugh because I see it advertised as such a romantic restaurant.

2. Never in my life have I been so tired.

3. When I was five I was really smart.

4. High school was fun, for me.

5. I will never forget the day that Joseph was born.

6. Once I met Tanya Tucker.

7. There's this boy I know drives me insane.

8. Once, at a bar, I almost got into a fight with some Jersey Hair Girl.

9. By noon, I've doubted my sanity for the one hundreth time that day.

10. Last night I smoked three cigarettes.

11. If only I had an entirely different life.

12. Next time I go to church will be this Saturday.

13. What worries me most is how things are going to end up for my kids.

14. When I turn my head left I see a highchair, a filing cabinet, and a window.

15. When I turn my head right I see the fridge, vacuum, basically the whole kitchen.

16. You know I'm lying when I say I'm doing okay.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is high school.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I'd be... crazy-ass Ophelia, probably.

19. By this time next year I'd like to be thinner, happier, and saner.

20. A better name for me would be Complainy McWhinesalot

21. I have a hard time understanding my son, a lot of the time.

22. If I ever go back to school, I won't, but I'd like to have been a nurse.

23. You know I like you if I seem to like you. I'm not too subtle.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be my husband.

25. Take my advice, never worry about being pregnant. Worry about that baby and prepare for that.

26. My ideal breakfast is a leisurely one, at one of two places I used to go with my husband before we had THE CHILDREN.

27. A song I love but do not have is ... a song I love? I love Beautiful Day by U2

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you go to the sweet, sweet Mall.

29. Why won't people stop oversimplifying people in both political parties?

30. If you spend a night at my house you have to sleep in our livingroom. But we did just get a new sleepover couch!

31. I'd stop my wedding for nothing.

32. The world could do without Howard Stern. IMO.

33. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than diet.

34. My favorite blondie is my sweet baby girl and boy.

35. Paper clips are used often in my house, to unlock the doors.

36. If I do anything well it's be funny. Talk.

37. I can't help but judge the hell out of myself.

38. I usually cry at intervals of five minutes, here lately.

39. My advice to my nephew/niece is: try and do better in school, try and be a child when you are a child, try and listen to those who love you and want the best for you.

40. And by the way, I should get back to the boy.

Oooh Barracuda

I was reading this article and sighing so, so often. I have no idea what I think about SPalin but man - the language and the tone of this article really pisses me off.

Like this:

Ms. Palin went to extraordinary lengths to ensure that his arrival would not compromise her work. She hid the pregnancy. She traveled to Texas a month before her due date to give an important speech, delivering it even though her amniotic fluid was leaking. Three days after giving birth, she returned to work.

...pisses me off. I am not governor of a state, but I am the emmeffing QUEEN of my household and I went to extraordinary lengths to ensure that my next baby's arrival wouldn't compromise my work. When my son was one year old, I had a miscarriage - LORD it was a messed up miscarriage, involving a mid-day trip to the downtown (read nasty and scary) ER and copious amounts of bleeding, admittance to the hospital and discharge from the same hospital, without having a D&C, weekly blood tests (while carting around my one year old), throwing a birthday party for the baby, and finally, mercifully, a D&C six weeks after the miscarriage. NOBODY questioned me about this. Nobody said "are you sure you can go BACK TO WORK while you are having a miscarriage?"

Then when my son was 2.5, I had his sister. Three days after SHE was born, you know where I was? RIGHT BACK TO WORK. I had a c-section on a Friday and Monday I came home and carried my 38 pound son up the stairs. We were just figuring out that he was not just a late talker, but that he was autistic. He couldn't come and visit me in the hospital because we couldn't figure out a way to tell him that at some point, he'd have to leave. So when I came home, and he was so happy/freaked out to see me, and he needed me to pick him up and act like everything was normal, I did.

He started getting therapy, here at the house, shortly after my husband returned to work. It's hard, at first, the therapy. It's like physical therapy, I guess, where they pull and push parts that don't want to be pulled or pushed, all for the greater good. I would nurse the baby, rock the baby, change the baby, hold the sleeping baby, all while my son (and I) wept and fought against the therapy. Again, NOBODY said to me - are you sure you should go back to work? Are you sure you have time to nurse the baby? Don't you think you should care for your SPECIAL NEEDS child?

It is bullshit - it's sexism and anti-motherhood and rotten to the core, this reaction to SPalin. I should correct myself and say there are, I'm sure, some people who just don't like her - they don't like her politics, or think that she's inexperienced, or that her daughter's troubles are her fault, or whatever. And they might all be right. Personally, I can't get over those NAMES. But this article? Is nothing but sexist and rotten and hating. And I hate it right back.