Monday, January 28, 2008

And then I nursed her again...zzzzzzzz

So it was just the weekend and Todd said to me on Saturday, "it's like every other day!" I didn't say anything but ... right! Welcome to my world, buddy, I wanted to say. It is worse with a newborn around though - it is so strange to be up in the night again. I have seen "Music & Lyrics" like a million times, now. I also have started to really like Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show. Then the next morning, I can barely remember being up. I saw Tony Shaloub on the SAG awards last night and I thought "he's a Green Bay Packers fan". But then I thought how the hell do I know that? I saw him on the Late Late show, in a nursing fugue. What a weird thing.

My friend Emily came over this week, she has a baby 5 weeks older than Kathleen. I said, how is it natural to nurse this baby every two hours? How do women around the globe do it? And she said they sleep with their babies, is how. I know that is the answer for a lot of women but I can't do it. I'm so tired, I don't trust myself and I don't feel like I have any kind of 'mommy instinct' to stop me from rolling my big ass over onto that little baby.

I am hopefully going to hear this week from our early intervention thingy place. Joseph is 2.5 and still a terrible, terrible communicator. He knows a million words and numbers, letters, animals, colors, etc., but he is loathe to ever string two words together. It's so hard and frustrating to try and explain things to him, or to know what's on his mind, and it's only gotten worse since we brought Kathleen home. So they only do this testing until they're three and I figure I'll take advantage of it now, especially as Todd is still home. I am scared, though. I read this Late Talking Child book and the doctor that wrote it is kind of against early intervention. I have to try and make something work though. I don't think I can potty train a kid that won't talk to me, or acknowledge me in any way, and he is getting so big! He is a giant, especially compared to that new baby.

So that's what's up with me. I'm waiting for January to be over, waiting for Kathleen to be six weeks old, waiting to sleep a little better, waiting, waiting, waiting. It goes so fast! people say to me and I think when? When does it go fast? It feels slow, it feels like I'm walking through Jello.

Monday, January 21, 2008

TIRED

Sisters, I are tired. I remember a post from Dooce - here I'll link it - well I can't find it and the point is that it's hard to be so tired when you have a newborn but you have to suck it up and just ... embrace it, kind of. Last night we went upstairs around 8:00 and watched The Amazing Race, then put Kathleen down and she slept from like 9:00 to 11:30 in her bassinet. This is always the best sleep of the night. Then Todd went to the guest room and I fed the baby. Then I tried to lay her down about 10 times and she never would go to sleep. So I finally got up and got her and sat in the chair with her and she slept and I nodded off now and again. This went on until 4:00 and then Todd came in and said "you should have come to get me!" and I think "why?" Why should I come to get you, so I can sleep for 45 minutes and then you can bring her to me and say she needs to eat? Eh. It doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather have him sleep and then be okay in the day so I can take a nap if I need to.

My friend M came over last night and I told her that no matter how bad it's gotten with Joseph - if he's had a bad day, not napped, etc., I at least know it will be over by 7:00 - he'll go to bed and go to sleep and not come out of his room until 7:00 the next morning. But now - even if he goes to bed early (and he does since he is not napping anymore) the second part of my day - the night part of my day - is just beginning. It is so weird, it used to feel endless when Joseph was a baby but now it's like a whole new level. How in the hell do people do this with twins? HOW?

My mom told me going from one to two kids was the hardest and she had four. I can understand that.

My MIL is coming over today - she called yesterday. Sigh. My friend C wanted to come over, my friend L was going to come over and my friend R is coming over to drop off dinner and visit. The f? We have been home for a week and nobody - NOBODY - came to see us, except my sister. Now in one day 10 people want to come. It feels so hard - I am lonely and want to see people, but I don't want to have to clean my house for them to come over. And I only want the exact right people to come over (read - not my MIL and the whole Hee Haw Gang, including our niece, who is "dying to see the baby!" but I am telling you will freaking text message the WHOLE time she is here and never even look at that freaking baby) and I want them to stay the exact right amount of time. I want help but I don't want to ask for it. I want Todd and everyone else to just KNOW what I want and stop asking me! He is a sweet man, and said to me this morning (after a slight breakdown of mine) "even if it sounds silly, just ask me, ask me to do anything and I'll do it". I said "can you breastfeed that baby?" NO. Damn it, NO.

So I feel crazy and tired and am eating like a crazed lunatic. I made cookies the other day and then ate a LOT of them. Thank God they're gone. I was unreasonably mad today when I realized the Pop Tarts were gone. I forget how hungry and thirsty you get, breastfeeding.

Kathleen is sleeping and has been for ... oh an hour or so now. She was so fussy before, and I was shhhing her and patting her and rocking her and doing knee bends and thinking "I will lose my effing mind if I have to do this for four months like I did with Joseph". I would hear "shhhh" in my sleep, I would say it upon waking! My boobs are so sore but I have to hold her straight across them to rock her just like she likes.

And over all of this, all these crazy tired thoughts, I think "you ungrateful bitch, you wanted a healthy baby and that's what you got. You have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband who is home for six weeks, WHAT are you complaining about?" And then I answer, "Everything". Oy.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Drugs

This post of Constance's is interesting to me, especially of late. My husband was just saying to me yesterday that he has these impending feelings of doom. I said "since we married?" and he said, not getting it, NO, since we had these kids!

It's awful to be home with a newborn, I think. It's easier with my second but with my first, man, I just thought every day was going to be his last. I have a cousin who lost a baby to SIDS many years ago and it's impossible for me not to think of that like several times a day. When I was first home with Joseph, I went to the library and got some books - I figured I would read a little bit and take my mind off the fact that my baby never stopped screaming. He was about 8 weeks old. So I got a Jennifer Weiner book, I had read In Her Shoes, I think, and I thought it would be nice light reading about a girl with a boy problem. That book title up there should be underlined, I know! I can't find the underline and it was threatening to make me cry so I just italicized. ANYWAY. I got this book called Little Earthquakes and I started to read it and I should have known right away that it was going to be trouble. There's a girl in it that is leaving her husband and she is carrying her Vera Bradley diaper bag out of habit and there is no baby in the picture. It turns out that her baby died when he was 10 weeks old (I am starting to lose it here, Good LORD) while she was out getting a manicure and pedicure. It was the first time she had left him and he died. She is really upset about his fingernails - they were really long because he was a fussy baby and she could never do it while he slept or anything, and he was always waving them around.

So. I had a crazily fussy baby at the time and everyone was always trying to get me to go get my freaking nails done. So that I could "relax". Also he had the longest nails ever because we could never get him to unjam his hands out of tight fists. So I read that book in about 30 minutes and then I had a breakdown when my husband got home from work because I just knew that this bad baby was going to be taken away from me. And I was so worried that people would think that I didn't care about him because he had such long nails, plus I was always complaining about him because I just knew regular babies couldn't be like that. This book was very upsetting to me, I couldn't stop telling people about it and when I told people I couldn't stop crying. Like CRYING. Ugly crying, as Oprah might say.

Sometimes people would say to me, "do you think you should see someone?" and I would say WHEN? WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND TAKE TIME AWAY AND SEE SOMEONE? TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS? I'd say it like that, too. The thing is, I felt strongly that I wasn't depressed, I felt tired. And hopeless. But I wasn't sleeping and my baby never stopped screaming. Which was depressing! So I never knew if I should have seen someone, or taken something. I never did, my son got better at around four months, I read a million books and decided to do something about the sleeping issue and it got better, for real, by about ... well, if I'm going to be honest maybe nine months but still. It got better.

Now I am home with a one week old and my breasts are *killing* me. I have these big giant children (9.2 and 9.6 pounds) with these teensy mouths and oh! the first two weeks! Are! Killing! Me! But I'm sleeping better than I did when I was home with Joseph and we've done it before and my husband is a GIGANTIC help but I am still so scared, sometimes (mostly late at night when I get the SANEST thoughts) that she will be colicky too, that she's not gaining enough weight, that I won't be able to continue breastfeeding, on and on and on. Parenthood sucks, Todd said last night, and he's right. Sometimes.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

We're Home, Mammy...

...we're home. We actually got home on Monday and yesterday had our First Day After Our First Night and BOY was it a long one. Last night we actually laid the baby down which makes a big difference in the amount of sleep we all get.

So it's a girl. Kathleen (not her real name), she is just fine. She sleeps a lot and it freaks me out because Joseph never slept. She is gorgeous and nurses like crazy, which is good for my supply but ohboyohboy does it hurt these first few days. Her mouth is so small! HOW am I supposed to have her OPEN SO WIDE? I was watching the Newborn Channel in the hospital and they showed these babies nursing and they were opening their mouths wide but they were like three months old! I'm just glad it's going well, I'm trying to focus on that. But when she first latches on I have to repeat to myself, in my head, over and over and so fast: do not squoosh her head in, do not squoosh her head in.

It all went well while we were gone. My MIL and her husband stayed here and I think everything was fine. We didn't have Joseph come to the hospital which I think was a good idea. We only had my parents and in laws and Todd came home to sleep. I can't ever believe it, that it's over. I feel like I have been pregnant for so long and now here she is and I just can't get over it. I'm glad I have the apartment building to live in and hang in, though, more than ever.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Na na na na na na na na

Today is your birthday! Today is my little baby's birthday. It just ... until that baby is born it's so hard for me to believe it. When I was pregnant with Joseph I never could picture him. I thought so, so much about the pregnancy, and worried SO much about the pregnancy that I never thought about the actual caring and feeding of the baby. Then he when he was born and he was so bad (I know - I know it's wrong to call your baby bad and I am a terrible mother and person but trust me - he was BAD), I couldn't stop thinking about it. I have been trying to balance it out more this time, worry an appropriate amount about the pregnancy, but today it's all kerflooey.

It's early - Todd woke me up so I could eat. I have to eat by 6:00 and now, not again, until God knows when. Maybe tomorrow? I had leftover lasagna, a roll, a pop tart and a go-tart. And milk. And now I'm finished eating.

My surgery is at 2:00, which BLOWS. It's also on a Friday which BLOWS. Joseph was born on a Friday, too, so I like that, but I hate staying in the hospital on the weekend. I mean no offense to anyone that works in a hospital on the weekend, but in my last experience it seemed that the meanest nurses ever work on the weekend. But my doctor's OR day is Friday, so here I am.

Well. I am terrified but plucky. I am going to think positively that everything will be okay. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday who just had a baby, and she had a LOT of complications and so she had a lot of amnios, and so she knew her baby's sex really early on, and knew when her lungs were ready, etc. I have never even had the triple screen, I kind of don't believe in them for me, except ... today? Today I believe in it all, I wish I had a freaking crystal ball and could just SEE the baby and know everything is okay. Through maybe ... 2036? 2050?

Ha - I was just thinking about high stress things. Like the list of the high stressors? Getting married, starting a new job, moving? I was thinking with this new blog, I'm having a baby, which is just like starting a new job, AND moving into my new pink apartment building. I'm still so glad to be here! I feel SO GREAT that I am going to be able to have somewhere to talk about all these people and not have to watch every freaking word. When I was so miserable with Joseph, in the early days, I would type out all this stuff like "Why does this MFer never stop crying? What have I done? WHY did Todd and I think it was a good idea to have a baby? Our lives are over! I hate this!" and then I would actual post a picture that said "Joseph had a rough night! I hope he naps today!"

OK. So Happy Birthday to Kathleen or Thomas, whoever you are.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Here We Go

I feel like singing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I am" except I'm Constance. The Ninth. I have two other blogs, both for my children. One is for my 2.5 year old boy, Joseph, and one is for my next baby, who I am having tomorrow, Kathleen or Thomas. Those are Not Their Real Names, natch. I have never had any success having a secret blog, but I am really really glad to have one. I created the second baby's blog and told my husband and he *immediately* told my MIL which really pissed me off. God, that woman can run with anything! She was checking it every second and sort of passively/aggressively asking why I hadn't updated it, which is the same thing she does with my son's blog and which makes me want to smack her and then my husband for telling her. I feel like the second I married her son, she has been trying to suck all the lifeblood out of me. I don't think she does it on purpose but here's some examples:

  1. She wanted to come to the - she ASSUMED she was coming to the delivery room when I had my first child.
  2. We didn't tell her when we went to the hospital because my husband, Todd, was afraid that she'd be really upset.
  3. When Todd called her to say that it was a boy! And he was healthy! And hurray! She said "what do you mean? She HAD the baby?!" That was her first reaction. Me me me. Ugh.
  4. I called my new baby's blog something cute like Second Baby and now she only calls my unborn baby Second Baby. She went to a make a bear place and made a bear with her voice recorded on it saying "Hello, Second Baby!".
  5. She is coming up to my house tomorrow to 'help' with Joseph while Todd and I go to the hospital to have the new baby. She is bringing her husband. When Todd told her that my parents were going to stay up North (they winter in a Southern state) through the baby's Birth Day, the first thing she said was "Do I still get to come up and stay with Joseph?"
Maybe this doesn't seem so bad to you all? Maybe I am a bitch? I am definitely a bitch, FO SHO, but I do think she's a pain. Todd had to call her this weekend to say that my mom was going to come in the morning and she could just come up later, after Joseph goes down for his nap. I think it will be better and more normal for him if it's my mom, plus it's MY mom, MY surgery, MY possibly dying on the table, I just want MY mom here, is that so wrong? Waah!

I know. I know I'm whiny. But it's just - I feel like we in my (more normal, superior) family are the ones sucking it up here all the time. My parents live really close - what would be the problem with them coming over for one of the nights?

I don't really care as much as I did, say last week. I am in some kind of a fog now, you know, like right before you have the baby? Some kind of an earth mother groove where I think I will do anything to just have a healthy baby tomorrow. I will mention this 9,999,999 times going forward but my first baby was, to put it lightly, colicky and fussy and cried for the first four months of his life. I swear to God, I have some kind of post traumatic stress disorder from it, it was horrible. So I am praying this time, not just for healthy, but happy. But today? Today I say just healthy. Please, please. And please don't let me die on the table.